Intense pain.

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I tried to sleep through it.  I did, a bit.  Not well, not for long.  I could feel the deep, hard, throbbing aches even while asleep.  I finally surrendered, hobbled down the stairs, into the kitchen, and found my strongest painpills.  Almost surprised the glutton hadn't consumed them all.  Most of them, but there is a dose or four remaining.  I sure hope they help. 

I have been ginger with rolling in bed, careful to not extend, twist, or kick into the mattress.  I... sometimes sleep hard.  YOU fight with demons, djinn, and else in your dreams, you'll understand.  I don't even always win, or even survive.  But I get extra playtime for giving it more than is humanly possible.  I guess. 

That left foot!

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It hurts, and worse than the right foot ever did, this time around.  Part of it may be excess fluid.  So I am hitting that pretty hard.  Too, it may be that it is cold.  You would think, in the low 80s, I could go without socks.  But, no, it seems.  Shorts and a muscle shirt are fine.  PJ bottoms are too much.  But, yes, socks. Not white gym socks, but knee high wool hunting socks.  So be it. 

As well, I am being careful when sleeping.  I still wonder if someone or something twists that in my deeper sleep.  I had a pile of neatly stacked boxes tumble over the other night, up here.  I am certain that stack was stable.  And, I have heard scurrying, but with light on the area and an immediate search, absolutely nothing was found or seen.  And the sound continued while I searched... visually.  Wasn't willing to put my hand down near the sounds.

Not going to play.

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The Lies of P, without updating it anyway, isn't worth playing.  Now, both of my characters are stuck.  Getting good isn't possible.  Leveling more is... impractical in the amount of time to level even once, with the exp from available opponents.  It would take, my strength build, an hour for a level or two of mindless grinding.  Three or four levels for my dex build.

I have tried the bosses, continuously.  Hitting them five to ten times before going back to attempt more leveling.  I have tried blind blocking, studied blocking, just beating the things and dodging.  No way through.

A cool day?

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Depends on how you see things.  Compared to the relatively hot summer days so far?  Sure.  It is reported to get to 89 as a high, out there, today.  At one time, that was brutal to me.  With the weight and size off, even the mid 90s and low 100s are okay, for a bit.  This temp, if that turns out to be fact, is almost pleasant.

Just gaming today.  As usual.  I haven't made coffee today, and may not.  I also may not eat.  I simply don't need food, not daily.  I like it, some days, most days.  I enjoy it.  Usually.  I simply don't need it.  It is good to go without.  As with feasting, I offer my fasting up to God.  In gratitude for the plenty I have.  I just can't pay another's way, less so the ungrateful.

Lies of P: part two

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I keep trying to sort this game.  Having realized how much better a dex weapon was, and being inextricably stuck with that first 'toon, I started a second, this time dex, build.  It... was doing better.  Until a certain boss.

I wasn't needing to hyper level, if I did some of that.  And, all leveling mats are being used for the better weapon.  I made it through a boss and three mini bosses (often harder than actual bosses, if the fights are shorter (if you can win) and sometimes optional.

Almost.

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My right foot, the knuckle belonging to the big toe, again, began to hurt.  About two weeks ago.  So... I have been very careful with it.  Not putting too much pressure on it, keeping walking to a minimum, babying it.  And it has nearly worked.  The pain is down to a softer ache, rarely registering above the other, mostly currently, and also background, pains.

Further, I was being extra careful to not have the pain get into the other foot.  How can you be cautious when you aren't certain of the cause(s)?  Trust me, I could be, and it was working.  However, just as my right foot big toe knuckle is nearly healed, the left said knuckle has gone full retarded and hurts just as bad as the right had been.  More care going forward.  And, at least, it wasn't both at the same time.  Or so far, or to this point.

She knows.

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Not certain if she fully understands, believes.  Further, she is attempting to own the notion.  Threatening to move out?  Okay.  She suggests she'll be out this month.  No, I wouldn't mind.  I won't buy more groceries, and will eat my food until she is gone.  No more buying as a general rule. 

She told me she is joining the mormon church.  I... thought she had.  Her nicotine and caffeine habits are going to... be a problem.  Not my problem.  I doubt if she will be taking Jasmine.  That or back to the pound.  She can't have the cats, especially after beating the kitten nearly to neurological retardation.  The kitten is doing better, but is terribly afraid at times, and still has twitches.

The lies of P

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Here is an honest review.

A recent game purchase.  On disc.  No updates.  Without updates there is only the regular play mode.  Which... is very difficult?  I have read that, if updated, you can choose from three difficulty levels, the other two easier than the one I am playing.

Sleep can be exquisite.

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Tonight was one of those.  Awake.  But maybe back to sleep?

Having the room 75, even down to 68 if it gets cooler outside, has helped.  Well, and while I haven't spoken with mother, the... decision has been made.  The future beyond that is murky, muddy, messy, and uncertain.  But probably involves emptying, packing, and moving a long way away.

I would like to think there is a woman in that future.  But the truth, as every man knows, is that women are nothing but trouble.  Liars, thieves, in it for themselves.  I'm not convinced I could afford, this way or that, a woman... here or there.

Several folk have suggested...

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that, while kicking back, of an evening, afternoon, morning... when they had a moment and no immediate demands... while reflecting on things... just how much they have been through, suffered, survived.  How well they made it through all these things.  So... I gave it a shot.  Yes, I am different.

Oh, no... I saw what they saw.  How many graves I have literally clambered out from, how many wounds of all sorts and natures I have endured.  How much stress, hatred, and else I have had to contend, defend against, often just suffering through with no means of immediate mitigation.

How strange is THAT!?!

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It is down to 77, downstairs here.  The windows, upstairs and down, are open.  Fans are going hard and heavy, but I am about to give the ones down here a few hours off.  At 77, the coolest it has been in a week, or three, it feels downright chilly!  Sounds crazy, but it is true.  Just dropped to 76... 

And, having slept with the temperature at 73 upstairs, in my zone even, I had finally cooled off, generally.  At this altitude, 73 often feels chilly, especially when wearing summer weight clothing.  Two blankets were needed, if happily.

Very nice.

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With me up here, both AC's running, if on a more moderately warm day, it is 73 up here.  I don't believe it made it to 90?   Perfect sleeping temp.  I did end up using a thin and thick cotton blanket for that perfect sleep.  And sleep was very good, if short.  I even dreamed. 

In one, South American cartel bosses, a few of them, found out I could fly.  If being, mostly, kept secret, even within their organizations, they had tracked me, learned who my family is, and presented me with an offer not designed to be refused.

Some things.

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I did a favor for mother today.  Her dresser, one of them, is a modular by part wire and connector jobby.  She... breaks it from time to time.  But she can't fix it.  She lacks the manual dexterity and strength.  Must admit, it does take some doing.

There is another job she put on my radar.  When I wake, if she is still awake.  I was about to install the ac in the livingroom.  But, when in the kitchen for else, I noticed she had left the back door open when she went out.  So... until we talk, and if she agrees to pay half the overage on electrical bill, with all the AC's running?  No ac in the livingroom.  The woman is incorageable.

So blasted hot.

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The forecast is suggesting a low of 66.  Not convinced.  It is currently 78, according to them.  Which reminds me, I need to find or buy several mechanical temperature gauges, hardy ones that can be adjusted and tested.  The weather stations and channels are notoriously inaccurate. 

I need something covering me, in order to sleep well.  But at 79, up here, with ac, it just doesn't work.  I'll have to put my second ac unit in.  That... should help.  And, get the one installed in the livingroom.  Hopefully the various units will contort to consort.

So very hot.

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If it doesn't hit 100, lately, it isn't off by much.  The lows are even a bit high, into the 70s I think.  The best I can do is get some fresh air in at night.  It just doesn't cool off at all.  Indoors less than outdoors.  Rough. 

So far I just have one AC up here, and one in mom's room.  I am thinking about adding a medium sized one in the living room and/or a big one in the spare bedroom.  The big one was intended for the living room, but doesn't fit that window.  Though I would have to figure out a cat preventing air allowing measure with the spare bedroom use.

Time to rise and shine.

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Or nearing that time.  It's 21:30.  Finally dark out there.  My weather channel suggests it is down to 80.  Down to 77 by 23:00, and 61 as a low sometime tonight.  They... aren't the best at guessing the temp, their own readings betray their prognostications pretty much every day.  They... really aren't good at weather forecasting. 

Hmm... from the time I started writing this to now?  The temp at 23:00 is now supposed to be down to 73, not 77.  What clots.

I did rise.

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It was nearly 23:00.  Give or take an half hour.  Not much done.  Water was reset, plus two jugs for sun tea.  I like it too.  She has been adding lemon wedges, a nice touch.  Working in the heat.  I would rather she not, but I am glad one of us can, and enjoys it.  

Staying hot.  It will until some day between the start of August and the middle of September.  The ac cools up here to 73, without me.  Then it keeps the far part of the room between 73 and 75, while this side gets to 77 or so, with me up here.  Oddly, that is cold enough to cause foot cramps if I kick my feet and legs out at night!  I still have to be careful.

Not today.

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Still in bed at 18:24.  I have been awake for a bit, not awake enough to get going.  Not sure whether it's back to sleep or time to rise.  Stuck in a difficult spot.

Such terrible dreams.  A dream?  Series of them?  Or something else entirely?  If a series, thematically conjoined.  One of the several... dreams, visions.  -  Ask one of the Swords of God a question?  Prepare to not get anything like the answer you anticipated.  No, God is NOT on your side.  You are humbly on His side or you are on your own, in the darkness of your choosing. 

Plans.

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I had hoped to be awake through the day.  I was, of course, up all night.  Some days I can push it on through.  Not today.

I did get water jugs refilled, as with the carafe and reservoir on the r.o. machine.  I reset ice, using some through the night.  The lawn was watered, this time front, a side, and out back.  It really is trying to spruce back up.

A bit to eat.  I remembered to check bp.  Just a tad high, as usual lately.  Blood sugar remains excellent.  Even the 90 day average is down to 111.  I had been tinkering, experimenting, for a bit.  Went off known keto reservation territory.  Tried a few things.  Not that it ever even hit 150, but it got into the 120s for a bit.  I've found what works, and doesn't.  And just how far I can push things.

No, I can't stay up, as hoped.  Not that it is really hot, but warm enough.  It just ended my ability to stay awake.  Still, a good night.  Hoping to be awake for shopping this afternoon or tomorrow.  I'll be taking Mom along.  She has a few items on her list.  I'll buy a few of them, as I prefer better cheeses, and need a few things myself.  Different stores though.

Ugh.  Good night, and day.

Still 80, indoors.

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Nothing I do seems to alter that.  I tried half a dozen variations.  Nothing is changing the temperature an iota.  On the good side, whether it reaches 103 or just 97, it stays well below that in here.  Not cool, in here, just cooler.  Day and night 

I opened the windows upstairs too.  Wondering if that might help.  Or make it worse?  Zero effect.  Mom has her ac running in her room, I think, 24/7.  I would charge for that, but I approve.  It also does help by buffering one of the South rooms.  Plus, I do want her to have a place for refuge.  She is a summer girl, but... we all have our limits.

Hot.

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Staying hot.  At just after 20:00, it is still 86.  It is supposed to drop to 66.  Not convinced, they keep missing their forecast.  As well, opening up at night doesn't seem to do much.  Do get fresh air, just not much real cooling.  It's going to be a rough hot summer.  It stays around 78 here near me, if the far side of the room drops to 70 to 73 depending on the time of day.  With ac of course.

As well, having a major allergy attack from something.  Pollen?  Some local growth of something?  Is Mom cooking with something new or different?  Going through facial tissue like gangbusters, and always with a runny nose.  I feel like one of those elderly grannymas, who always has a hanky or tissues tucked in a pocket, sleeve, purse, and/or elsewhere.  Always at the ready or getting more.  I used to chuckle at the poor dears... until I became one.  Bleh.  Sure hope this passes soon.  Would sure like to know what it is, though.

Managing rage through sleep.

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A temporary fix.  But needed.  Before a talk.  As well, arranging the one-way discussion.  No gas lighting or explaining back allowed.  A simple conveyance of understandings with no wiggle room.  Any attempts at such will lead to am exit.  A final parting of ways.

A series of statements, declaring what could be, is, happening that are problems.  The solutions.  And what will happen, in very short order, if the behavior isn't absolutely changed.  As well, I will suggest, since I doubt she has the willpower to behave, that she begin her search for a new place.

Up late.

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Going to bed early anyway.  I did run the sprinklers last night.  8 see mother did too.  But I didn't know how well or long.  Though it looked like she couldn't move the sprinklers almost at all.  Fair enough.  I wish she would leave me to my tasks.  I hit the areas I hit last time, some of it over what she did (in part because she did it wrong).  If I had done it, alone, water wouldn't have been wasted and I could have hit new patches out back.

She also tries to set the reverse osmosis machine going, but always messes it up.  I wish she would just leave some things alone.  She has zero tech-fu.  Like having a child play with a record player.  Or a female Yoda.  Which makes me wonder if she actually does know, but either doesn't care or is more on the dark side.

Backing away from spending.

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Smaller orders.  Needs based.  Do I really need that?  Technically, I need almost nothing.  But my life is a bit of a mess.  Sometimes, say, nightlights... that turn on from motion, when it is dark, helps me live a little better... a little less precariously.

True, I always have at least one flashlight.  Unless I wake late, early, off, and didn't get one.  And, even with a flashlight, area lighting is limited.  Okay.  So, yes.  The problem?  Those eat batteries!  I've tried those before.  There are plug in ones, but the areas I need them don't have outlets.

Gen X'ers see doom coming?

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I do chuckle at the notion.  For obvious and not, intricate, simple, and elegant reasons.  First, of course, every generation, as it ages out of society, sees that.  Some of it is a... reflection of the truth of their mortality becoming clearer to those individuals.  On a personal and peer level field.

Though, in some cases, it really is more than that.  Seeing technology mate with prophecy, the potential for Christian based ends times is here, or nearly here.  The mark of the beast, or the final one, can be, or is nearing the possibility, of implementation.  To control commerce in such a way is almost ready, just not quite yet, or not quite to scale.

She is just begging to be...

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kicked off the island.  At this point, I'm beginning to agree.  Spending money she doesn't have, relying on my largesse to cover her.  Either using my console and tv, or more likely allowing someone else to do so.  All sorts of schemery.  And I have just about had enough.

Talk?  That we will do.  A final talk.  If she doesn't straighten up she will be moving out, quickly.  She doesn't do enough good to cover the bad at this time.  So the bad has to end or the gig is up.  I don't think she thinks I can or will.  She is terribly mistaken.

Eighty.

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Indoors, at a quarter after one.  It was cooler outdoors by 21:30?  Give or take an hour.  So I opened the house up.  Not my mother's room or my room, upstairs.  Those need 24/7 AC as things stand.  Refuges, if needed.  If I could just get her to keep her door closed!  It won't cool the whole house.  It just wastes energy trying.

Can't tell a woman anything... though I could begin charging her exta for keeping the door open.  Women don't listen until they are on the hook.  Just like her wanting to feed families.  She did buy the chicken she wants to use, but not the food I bought she will eat instead.  She suggests she won't eat for a day.  The amount she is taking is enough for a week of meals.  I don't mind if she fasts.  I do, and it certainly wouldn't hurt her.  But she has no appetite for that sort of humility. 

Up all night.

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Not for gaming.  Mother has been going on about the lawn.  I finally got out to see it.  Yes.  It is rough.  So I set up sprinklers last night.  As soon as the sun was down, I started them.  Then, every few hours, I moved the sprinklers.  I tried to hit every spot on the front and side lawn.

It is pretty crisped.  Not sure how well it can return.  We will find out.  But, for a first night at it, it got a goodly shot of water.  I didn't miss an inch.  But that effort took all night.  I just finished at six in the morning.

Best to smoke in the heat.

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The smoker runs a bit hot.  If, as it turns out, that is a good thing.  For several reasons.  First, no way around it, a brisket is a massive hunk of meat.  Reaching the right internal temperature is... only the beginning.  Second, while hot outside, the smoker is using far fewer pellets.

Could the first batch of pellets have simply been inferior?  Maybe.  But the meats cooked yesterday, and today, have taken three times the time taken together, than that first burn, smoke, call it what you will, yet have used a fifth the number of pellets total.

Even gaming can be difficult.

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Figuring out bosses is usually the most difficult part.  Especially for four different classes, character types.  Casters want distance, the dex build can do range or close and dirty, the tank just rolls right up for a rumble.  If there is more to it than just that.

Getting through some zones, though, too can be quite difficult for various classes.  Knowing ambush points, choke points, gank traps, and such can help.  But even knowing that doesn't always mitigate.  A squishy against a well armored opponent, in close quarters, which has extended attacks and gap closing attacks at speed is... a mini boss experience.

Me and my big mouth.

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It had been forecast to be in the low 90s for the next week.  While not a chill spell, certainly better than some years.  I checked again.  Revised.  All revised, upward.  Over a hundred most days this coming week.  Which is higher than usual, earlier than usual.  Only dipping into the 60s.

It stays 77, on my side of the room.  The AC is on the far western side while I sleep on the opposite eastern side.  Though, too, I throw a lot of heat.  Still, it is comfortable enough that I use a blanket and duvet.  Losing all that weight makes a huge difference.

More smoking.

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Trying Cornish game hens, a tritip sirloin roast, and pork ribs.  Brisket tomorrow.  Using apple pellets, if you can believe any label at this time.  The probe is in one of the little birds.  I have several, but no need.  I know the fowl will be finished first.  Though, then it becomes a tossup as to which of the others finishes next.  However, pork ribs can be cooked extra long without too much trouble.  So I'll put the probe in the beef. 

Hot.  If it didn't hit 100, it only missed by a degree or three.  Even in here, where it is cool, the heat just reaches in and lets me know nowhere is really safe.  Reminds me, I need to go through things, find shorts.  Winter pj bottoms just won't do.  And muscle or tank shirts.

I brought Jasmine in.  She likes it outside more.  Still, she got a bit of cool.  Fresh cold water, three or four times a day for her, even the cats.

Two ac's running much of the day.  One upstairs and I set one up in Mom's room.  I wish she would shut her's off later at night.  But, a) she sleeps at night, b) her room is south facing so gets plastered,  c) she keeps it at a reasonable 72, d) she is nearly 84.  I am not going to argue that one.  For me, I give my unit the night off... if, when, possible.

With the next week (2 months) being in the 90s to low 100s, that may not be possible.  Certainly at some point, between the house mass and lack of real cooling, I'll have to run it 24/7.  May have to add an ac to the living room window as well.  Hot, but just usual summer heat.  Maybe even on the cooler side of that.

She was thinking we should talk.  To me, there is nothing to talk about.  I simply can't trust a thing she do and will need to lock everything up.  Living with a thief and liar sucks.  For now... we'll see.  No, I won't accept her gaslighting.  Best just take the hit than try to lie out of it.  An apology would be good, don't expect that from women, especially about that which they untruth about.

Anyway.  Until I can get the latches and else in place, I am using... impediments to egress.  A minor, weighty, complicated, obstacle course.  It'll be both the upstairs and my bathroom.  She even stole a comb I really like.  I got it back.  But she just takes.  No!

The alarm is sounding.  Time to check dinner.

Mostly gaming, lately.

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No discussions, about this or that.  Nothing, really, to be said.  Besides, I'm busy.  Just life moving on.  I am just... more careful.  About everything.

Dark Souls 3, running four 'toons through.  Wanted to run a tank, thief, mage, and pyromancer through.  But the mage is so slow, especially with early kit, that I just ran two pyromancers through, with the idea of changing one to a mage, or battle mage, on the second run... when they have enough skills, spells, and equipment to run effectively. 

Troubles.

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I found my wallet open, and my wad of small bills beside, on my clothing.  I don't do that.  Though perhaps?  Then, today, I found my wallet in the wrong pocket.  Nope.  I am going to have to lock my bedroom from both sides.  A padlock on the outside.  Latches or other inside.

As well. I am certain she has been letting someone play my console.  Probably neighbor kids.  Though, to, it could be anyone with whom she is currying favor.  More, I purchased secure padlocks.  Spent a small fortune on them.  I am just about convinced she clept them, allowing the keys to be copied. 

She said.

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A red, now black?, pilled woman, on y.t. I occasionally view, said "How I realized society was not going to get better".  I haven't viewed that vid, or yet.  Thinking about if I will.

Of course, unless these are truly the end of days?  She is wrong.  Though, some interpretations of prophecy strongly suggest even an earthly golden age, under the King's rule, for some... longish time.  If, even without that, there is heaven for at least the elect.

No, just no.

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She owes $900 over her agreed monthly rent/utilities.  I reduced that by $200, to $700.  She tried to give a check for $700 to cover it all.  No!  I suspected she would try something like this.  NO!  I will no longer order anything through amazon for her, or help her in any way, until she catches up.  I simply can't afford her and my life, fully.  Won't.

I buy her stuff, too.  Like flashlights and bar holders for those, for her walker, little things she requests (not all, just things she wants or needs).  I make sure she has money, if going to a luncheon event.  But I do have limits.

Then, after she is caught up, she will be limited to $50 in any kind of debt a month.  Her memory isn't good, when it isn't convenient.  As mentioned, I have already forgiven around $500 in the last two months, half of that this month already.  NOT going forgive another $550 this month.  Grhhh....  NO!

Have to get new tires this month.  Pay electrical work, if he ever gets back to me, and whenever he starts that.  Plus tankless water heaters, one waiting on electrical work, the other waiting on finding an installer.  On the good side, I have enough credit on my HD card to probably buy both units.  I should check to see if they install. 

A shower and... then... something?  Friday.  Is it?  Later.

Speaking with the Infinite.

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Some dreams are dreams.  Some dreams seem much much more.  Visions?  I have to believe the latter, not the former.

Hearing God is not understanding God.  Like... hearing in color, or feeling with taste.  Several parsecs beyond even my trained understandings.  Or... misunderstandings?  What I have seen and experienced has led me to a comprehensive accidental enlightment.  Not the so-called modernist version, but the true one.

Even so, all I can do in those... moments... is listen.  See.  Sense.  Realize there is God.  These times used to terrify me.  They still move me beyond expressions I could codify into words.  Like the blind, seeing the sun for the first time?  Only, that, and so much more.

Not great.

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On the one hand, life has been very good.  The stitch in the side is much lessened.  The feet cramping only happens a few times a week.  And I have been able to be awake much of the day during daytime even.  But getting to things is a whole other matter.

More crippled than usual.  I'd like to blame mom, she can distract which makes doing my list more difficult.  But that is a minor side additional thing, not the main cause, or one of them.

A few things.

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A bench/storage foot locker mother wanted was assembled.  Much less trouble than anticipated.  Initially it seemed a few parts were missing.  Just parts put where they weren't supposed to go.  Fifteen minutes?  Or so.

As well, the various pork cuts were smoked.  Took quite a while, at least to finish the bigger portions.  The boneless "ribs" and pork chops were done fairly quickly and mostly well.  The chops were a bit dry, but the riblets were very good, fine.

Almost chilly.

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The high, today, is supposed to be 65 and the forecast looks to probably be correct or close enough.  Tomorrow cooler?  Enjoying the light reprieve.  But, too, it's causing me to crash out a bit.  I'll get up shortly.  Get a window ac installed, and put a storage bench together.  Well, and have a bite to eat.

Back to carnivore for a bit.  Blood sugar hit 144.  Though... from back to back to back abuses.  A bit of both a test heaped on a failure.  Wanted to see what it took to elevate blood sugar.  Surprising how much it took and how little it raised it.  Still, back to right eating.  The highest other reading, in probably a year, or two, was 122 otherwise. 

A smoother day.

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Still moving?  Hasn't said.  A few tasks done, several meals eaten.  No further discussion.

It got warm, 93 I believe.  The ac up here is enough, for now.  With the fans.  Two were assembled for downstairs as well.  Not sure if mother can open her windows, but I think so.  She just wants someone else to do it.  No, not if she can.

Male disengagement.

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One of the oldest societal issues.  One of the most devastating, right behind the rejection of reproductivity, mostly by women... in it's many forms.  The various states and cultures throughout history have struggled with the male problem.  As... can easily be read in history books, even through the majority of lies in them, those treatments have failed. 

From the most severe, the agoge (which I had a closer relationship with than most moderns), to less restrictive attempts at bribery to exclusivity to privilege, most systems failed quickly to slowly.  Though, I will suggest the problem with the spartan system had more to do with the feminization of politics by pushing men to death, while allowing women to actually possess wealth as widows and political power as a result.  In the end, banshee cougars ran that state (right into the ground).

Not to call her mother, or mom.

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She wants me to total her debts.  She intends to pay it off and move into assisted living at the end of the month.  Okay.  That is her choice.  She is in the state to make such choices.  I just wish I had known this a bit earlier.  I spent lots of money on things that simply weren't the best investment for short term events... if she actually can get out.

As mentioned, I'll just settle, sell, and move.  If I can make enough money over closing for that to work.  From there?  I'll begin traveling the world.  See what I can see.

Well trimmed.

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The house.  It was up to 88 yesterday.  Is supposed to hit 91 today.  And is already 78 outside.  It is 73 throughout the house.  I just closed the last window.  Leaving the windows on the western side open a bit longer is okay.  Still cooler, no matter how it might seem.  Altitude adjusts things.  Oh, but the last window upstairs. 

Back up, but just for a bit.  Gaming.  Wanted coffee.  Set it up.  But going back to bed shortly.  Though, had grinding to do in game, on several 'toons.  With that done, perhaps I can get back to enjoying the game.  Grinding is annoying, not entertaining.

A tiny few things.

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Checked to see that her coffee was made.  That is one gift I try to give.  Brought in boxes, it was too warm earlier, and I too tired.  For no good cause mind you.  Well, mother was in a mood if that really wasn't it.  That just made trying to fight for a bit more daylight unpalatable.  Less palatable?  Or such.

I get it.  I've been laying in provisions and else fairly heavily.  Finally done.  Truly.  But, there is the aftermath.  Items she often can't move, I don't have a place for quite yet, so things are in the way.  Well, and my energy has been nearly zeroed.

Still, a few things tonight.  Hopefully a few things tomorrow.  Just... no promises.

Even gaming couldn't keep me awake.  Tired,  beyond my capacity to escape.  So, again, sleep it is.  Sleep well when you may.   Wow, could barely keep my eyes open to finish this! 

Mother isn't happy.

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What she, and most women, don't understand is?  No one can make them happy.  Happiness, neither, is a choice or a gift.  Could I do dishes?  Sure.  But more often than not, she makes dishes just for herself.  And, she wants them done "now".  I... don't do anything "now".  Nothing, no thing.  I don't even pee "now", even when I should.  ;p

Besides, I provided a dishwasher.  That is what I could do.

Reconfiguring.

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With the AC running days, and a fan and open windows at night, it is staying between 72 and 74 up here.  Which is nice.  It makes sleeping with a blanket or two another part of the plan.  A welcome one.  It had been running 77 up here for a week or two.

Now, that wasn't bad.  But it was beginning to stretch my tolerances.  And the downstairs was beginning to get warmer as well.  With the new arrangements, the downstairs is staying cool enough so that AC hasn't been started down there quite yet.

Smoked ribs.

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At 250, they took four hours, and used seven pounds of wood pellets?  Or so.  One hour open, two hours in foil, then another hour and a half actually open again.  Tender, with a smoke ring.  Could have cooked longer?  Yes.  But done and not bad at all.

A whole chicken and a chuck roast are being thawed to try next.  If I must get to town, I may grab a pork butt and chops, or something else to fill.  Best bet, with as many pellets as this uses, the time involved, and the space available, is to fill the cook spaces and cook enough for a few weeks, pulling some for fresh or near fresh. Freezing the rest in meal or several meal packets.  Or, that's how I see things.

Awake at near my new normal.

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It was just at 22:30 when I woke.  Why?  I would much rather be awake during the day.  The cool, of night, is only better when it is blazing hot out there.  While it is reaching into the 80's out there, at this altitude, and else this particular season, that is... splendid weather.  Not... to be out in, during the highs.  But in the morning and evening, outdoors, while indoors remains quite pleasant during even the highs.

Yes.  I will have to push my days and nights around.  Or give it a good shot.  You have no idea how difficult that is for a native night owl.  Still, sometimes, for a time, I can stand on my proverbial sleep hands for a little while.

Just look at that!

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I finally got around to ordering a traeger smoker.  Will it work well?  Not in the box.  It... sat there, in the box, for three, four, days.  Longer?  Not much longer.  Unless it was a week or more.  My mind, and time, are not well synced lately.  Not at all. 

In any case, after two false starts, today was the day.  To try.  So... I tried.  Just getting the thing out of the box was a trick, solo.  When I can't pull, or push, I try other methods.  In this case. I turned the box over, careful so as to not dent or ding anything.  Gravity is your friend if you use various control methods.

Finally got the clothes rack up.

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I knew it was going to be a beastly chore, especially solo.  Mother couldn't have reached what needed held, nor does she have the strength.  Not complaining, just explaining. 

Putting up the base boards, needing to pre drill, then use the cordless drill to screw the wood down, while keeping it balanced?  Quite a trick.  Oh, but should I need to do such a task again, I have learned a few things.  Such as starting in the middle.

Several days of rest helps.

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Was so messed up.  Some of it, most of it initially, was pain.  First in the side.  Then much more sharply in the right foot.  Cramps, aching, deforming spasms, brutal.  But then, the pains were eating my sleep, or reducing its ability to allow me to regenerate, catch my breath, refresh.  It was becoming brutal.  I was at the point of trying to make a podiatry appointment.  Couldn't get through, so I procrastinated.  Now things have improved.

I have been sleeping warmly and well the last three longer cycles.  Mostly.  Last night, my left foot tried to join in on all the fun and games.  It, too, started cramping.  Gah!  BUT, this time, I knew exactly what to do.  I took the sock off, slathered it in salve, put the sock back on, and stuffed it in a shoe.  DONE!  Oh, and croc's work, the more fitted ones.  Though if malformation gets worse, at the worst case, tied shoes work the best.  Though, when up and at things, the tied shoes are the ticket.  Just for support while walking.

I got a nice spot of things done.

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And just so far.  Wheezing.  With sleep corrupting my life, and pain, I have become a bit... weak.  Even so, I tore it up. up here.  I've worked on two other areas previously (if you couldn't tell, I definitely can).  Three steps forward, one back.  Sometimes no options other than that.  

This time, I cleared the northern end at the foot of my sleeping pallet.  Not... cleared.  Organized, nicely.  Everything there will need to be sorted before long as well, but the boxes are stacked, sorted.  There is a path in the middle, other than my medicine balls which can easily be moved.  And my new camera gear is altogether, and right there.

A bit better.

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I went downstairs.  The trip was still a bit of a hobble, but wasn't abandonedly agonizing.  It wasn't simple, normal, or even painless though either.  I did go out to bring Jasmine in.  I wanted some fresh air, and to take a few more steps.  Not a lot, just a few. 

Supper, gaming, not much else.  While the pain was bearable, it went well beyond my typical ability to block the sensations.  From the few efforts I put forward, I was sweating profusely from the amount of pain that I could consciously feel.  I... do wonder how much pain my body shields my conscious mind from.  Though I probably... really don't want to know.

My foot.

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The shoe get too tight.  I can't wear it all night.  It begins causing more trouble than adding coolmfort.  There is a risk when taking the shoes off.  Yesterday it worked.  Last night not so much.  By this morning, it was back to like walking on a broken bloody balloon of a foot.

I limped downstairs, hoping it would sort out.  I fed the cats, ate an egg breakfast mother had made, had coffee, then gamed for a bit.  But the pain, even without load on it, became eye-watetingly intense.  Nauseatingly intense.  I... surrendered the field.

Before going back to bed, in humiliatimg defeat, I took four of the strongest painpills I keep on hand.  As well, mother had asked for a painkiller salve, for her arthritic hands.  She works wonders with them, but not without pain, bless her.  Anyway, I tried some of that.

Then up to bed, with shoes on.  Well, one shoe on.  No need, I am realizing, to wear both shoes to bed, uncomfortable as they are.  The hope was that pain might soften, between sleep, medication, the ointment, and the shoe and wool socks.  It has worked!

Now, half way through, I woke in agony.  With the shoe tied, and the foot swelling, the compression became unbearable.  I tried, as before, to ignore, or "snooze" the pain.  As before, that eventually fails.  Pain makes me sweat, at some point of intensity.  Sweat was just pouring off me.  Stubborn, I am.  Even I have limits.

But, this time, I tried a middle ground.  I just loosened the ties, opened the ankle and tongue of the shoe.  Then.... tried, and succeeded returning to sleep.  Half a day?  Six to nine hours, roughly.  But, awake.  With a foot that doesn't bring me yo my knees, even eithout weight.  Oh my goodness gracious, the joy to be awake and not in waves of panic and nausea inducing agony!

Now to go downstairs, carefully.  Maybe to finish the coffee, yave some water, do some gaming.  Just... a test run.  If, and I do mean if, i can do a few light things, I may try to do a few things on our to-do list.  Putting up a secondary shower curtain.  Putting up a drying rack.  And, maybe, making supper for us.

Oh, I fried the fish the other day.  Mother said nothing, through the meal.  So I guessed she didn't like it.  I was not going to push for a comment, bit oh well, I thought it was delicious.  After I had given up on a word, either way, she... admitted this was better than lst time.

What was so hard about saying that?  It's not really a contest.  Is it?  I don't use batter.  I simply salt, lightly pepper, and gently fry in tallow.  Fresh lemon, if available.  Frying ag medium to medium high, flipping with tongs, after gentling loosening the fillets.  I work fish like no other food.  Being very careful not to overcook.  She just blasts it, like it was a steak.  Strange, but she can cook a thinner steak correctly... though too, only if she has the state of mind, in the moment, to focus.  I use timers, so things don't get out 9f hand.  She just thinks she has enough focus.  Ugh.

Not .. angry.  Just, for some food, I need a more delicate outcome.  I don't mind doing it.  If she can do it, so be it.  If she won't, I will.  And breading!  We are going to have to work up a better keto/carnivore method.  Just flouring things with almond or coconut flour is terrible.  Or even the keto blend I make.  Those work for some things, even tortillas.  But not as crusts.  Too dry, cloying?  No, not cloying, think dry, tasteless, like dried paper mâché.  Have to work on that one, though I have an idea.

moisten slightly, or dab nearly dry... the chicken part, chop, or fish, etc.  coat it in dry gelatin (good beef, flavorless).  Beat an egg, dredge the powdered meat in the egg.  Powder fried pork skins.  then coat the dredged meat in the pork "panko".  Then fry on medium, then bake to finish.  OR...  Bake first, then fry to finish?  The latter, as I prefer crispy.

Oh, right.  On to getting up, maybe to something.  Good evening.  Later. 

Better.

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Sleeping with shoes on is an odd thing.  As a general rule, I haven't done it since I was in the service and either was working extra long hours, days even, with more shifts, duties, or watches incoming.  Or was somewhere I prefered to be ready.  Not comfortable, but now or back then, it wasn't a comfort thing.  Just as when they had us not wear shoes, on subs.  When we were trying to be ultra quiet.  Yes, we did that.

I couldn't wear them the whole time I slept.  It was becoming too painful.  I had to decide whether to try to wake, or take my shoes off and hope my foot didn't spasm into malformations again.  Couln't really wake, so I took the chance, removed the shoes, and went on back to bed.

Awake, to help mom.

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She wanted to be awake by a certain time.  I happened to be awake in time to check on her.  She was awake?  Or, when I opened my door, it woke her up.  In any case, I did that, with my seeming club foot.

I just started gaming.  But my foot was cramping, again... de- or malforming.  Twisting.  So, painful as it was, I put on shoes.  They look like tennis shoes, sneakers, but they are steel toed with a steel shamk.  Keen's.  They... fortify the foot.  Hold it in shape, tighten well, for compression.

A stitch in time.

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Or in the side.  It is finally, mostly, gone.  Replacing it?  The foot pain has returned.  Was it the foot cramps which caused foot damage?  While gaming, have I wrenched my foot?  Bits of both?  Or did someone hurt me, while I slept?  I sometimes do wonder.  As hard as I sleep, it is possible.  The dropsies is a terrible affliction.  Leaves a man completely vulnerable, and the world is cruel and corrupt.  Are they seeing if I am dead, or just being cruel, if that is the case?

The brutality of the pain makes me lame, or again, if in a new way.  My right foot (thankfully just one foot, this time) is swollen in the joint, and throughout the foot, making it like walking on a bloody ballon, rather than a foot.  With the knuckle seemingly displaced.  And a constant ache to it, with added pain for weight bearing, or even moving.  Maybe wearing shoes, to compress against the swelling, and preventing it from twisting, deforming, with or into cramps, might help.  As agony goes, it's winderous, splendid, glorious.  This too, a gift to my Lord... in commiseration at the little cross I am allowed to bear.  And, to be spent as He may, for whomever may gain from it.  Even just in spirit.  Amen.

Awake.

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Trash day.  I need to move the bin out.  And brush my teeth, possibly shave.  Perhaps get some water in, game just a bit, and such.  But to get back to bed before too long.  A shower too?  Late, but maybe.  Every two to three days is best.  Daily is great, but... drying... terribly drying.

Hmm, I'll even, possibly, feed the girls.  At least check on them.  Jasmine is mostly an outdoor girl as weather has warmed.  She prefers that to the cage.  If I can ever get up here sorted, secure from dog chewing, I may allow her up here.  Or, at least when I am awake for a bit.

Mostly better.

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Still with the stitch in the side.  It isn't as bad, if oddly constant rather than intermittent.  I prefer the milder pain, even if regular.  Surprised it remains though.  It does wear me down.

Temps were climbing.  Into the mid 80s.  Then it cooled off down into the 60s.  Which is adding to a need to sleep.  Fragile.  Too hot, cold, too fast, too long, or even fast changes, and I hit a wall.  If you love to sleep, and can survive doing so?  You would love my life.

I think I figured it out.

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The pain.  Though, possibly, it was two things combined.

The lessor additive issue is experimenting with resistant starches.  The goal is to better feed various bacteria et. al. in the lower intestines.  To do this, eating a small amount (think half a cup to a cup) of pasta, beans, or potatoes... cooked, then cooled.  You can reheat those, but don't eat them freshly cooked.  As well, raw potatoes, if you can handle those.

A busier day?

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Yes.  Gaming is helping me be awake more often.  As such, mom can ask for things.  I don't always agree to help, if I can't I don't.  And, not always when she wants something done.  "Now" isn't always possible.  A half hour from now?  Allows me to gather myself, finish whatever I am doing, or be in a physical state, or rest from else, in order to help or do.  She is learning patiences pays better than harrassment.  Harrass and I just go back to bed.  Not in anger, in exhaustion.

I grilled a chicken today.  It did come out very well.  I grilled (smoked, and the chicken too, really or rather) a portion of a btisket the other day.  Both came out pretty good.  A smoked meat, with enough for leftovers, twice month?  More often, with the oven ooc.

BP is being odd.

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For a long time, while taking the maximum blood pressure medicine, bp was remaining high.  Then I started checking bp four times a day.  Before taking medicine, and an hour after.  Trying to take medicine in the morning and evening.  Failing that, taking it in what passes for those, for me.

BP started, slowly, dropping.  Then quickly.  Then too much.  I had to titrate down, quickly.  Going from 12.5 mg twice a day to 6.25 twice a day.  After two days I had to half that.  And, now, my bp is so low I can't take those meds!  Or, not always.  I can't say why.  Though, if I am not careful, and take a dose, or half dose when my bp is good, say 120/80, but certainly lower, I can crash, hard.

A new record.

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If numbers can be believed?  Over 502,000 visitors this last month.  I'm not a believer.  I am a chuckler, so I chuckle.  I ought to see how much the clickfarms charge for that many visits.  Just to see what someone is paying to attempt to trick the (non-existant) ego of a ghost.

I'd recommend they not do that.  Put the money into a pro-life group.  This one in particular is my favored.  If... what I suggest is true?  You'd do my soul a square.  My ego, mind, and body are good with solitude.  Just... a thought... prayer... request.

Finally, some work.

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It is warming.  Perhaps too much.  I may have to push to get ac's installed.  Electrical is still in the works.  Then tankless water heaters.  Then I'll have to get a fresh quote on heating and ac.  So... this fall or next spring?  Maybe.

Still, the warmth is easier to manage than the cold.  I sleep better, in the cool and cold.  But waking becomes a serious problem.  And, yes, working is easier in the warm to even hot temps.  Up to a point.  Too hot and I can't sleep.  At 75 F up here, sleeping is becoming a bit difficult.  Not impossible yet.  But I will need that ac, for reasonable sleep, before it hits 80.

Pain is back.

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About a year ago, I stopped hurting.  Did better, for about six months... or so.  For about thirty five years, to then, I had been in constant pain.  Exhaustive pain, adding to simple exhaustion, doubling or tripling the effects.  Now, while pain ended, exhaustion remained.

The last six months, pain has returned.  Exhaustion has increased with it.  That, exhaustion, had never left.  But, with pain gone, it was simpler, easier to ignore... sometimes.  With pain returning, complete exhaustion is now pretty much complete.

Too many problems.

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Applying for specific other V.A. benfits.  They require online access, video capacity, and other tech to which I don't have access.  Just signing up to my healthy vet, requires joining some id program, which is proving impossible on my smart phone.  I thought these programs were for disabled vets?  What about having access and functionability on modern tech does disability make sense for?

The program isn't likely to be offered.  Not sure it is worth the hassle.  And, yet, it could be very helpful.  Difficult to not try, even if somewhat unlikely.

Creative?

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So it has been suggested.  No longer in the old ways.

Logging dreams used to be done manually.  Is dream journaling actually creative?  Or, more, expressive?  I'm declaring both, mildly.  Interpretation, however, is creative.  If with pattern recognition and so logic, if too, both more mild forms?

I stopped logging those.  I do put some small forms of the ones I don't mind sharing on this blog.  The others I keep to myself.  Keeps some things out of the wrong hands, minds.  Much cannot be shared, even if just dreams.  If... there is any such thing?  Not sure what that really is, or for some of us.

Definitely cold.

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I had two windows open last night.  It got seriously cold, windy, and if not wet at least moist.  Precipitation in the air, if not actually falling.  I about froze before I could shake awake enough to realize the problem and close the closest window.  For the longest time, I just shivered, and burrowed ever deeper into blankets and the duvet.  Gratefully, I did wake and solve the problem.  Almost surprised I didn't get frostbite... seriously.

Up this morning.  Had to get trash and recycling out.  As well, put Jasmine out.  Just for a bit.  It was still frigid, the air seemed moist, and the wind was yet wicked.  So I just put her out for long enough to do whatever function seemed good, then brought her back in.  She actually did want back in, so was easy to sort.

They bet.

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They bet it all.

Someone believed a whole lot of things that just aren't true.  Or... so I write.  I am betting they will lose it all.  If, too, I think they believe they have those bet losses hedged.  That is where I think they will lose not just their shirts, but their pants too.

Boys, and men, will always want games.  As well, of course, the computers, consoles, handhelds, or other platforms upon which to play those games.  They believed they could make those poison, toxic, repulsive even, at every stage, in every way, from price to invasiveness, to... false difficulty and gay.

Not as linear as it appears.

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Looking at the Iran thing, head on?  Nobody likes it.  It definitely doesn't help the little guy, anywhere.  It is mostly an Israeli problem, and genuinely of their own making.  Supporting the US left, democrats and else, is supporting nukes in Iran, money to hezbollah, and the rest.  Though, to some degree, even the secular right is that way.  Still, it's mostly the left and Israel who have fed that system.

Anyway.  So, when Trump enjoined there I was, and remain, displeased.

Tricks, tracks, and rhythm.

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Way too many things on my plate.  A few slim things done.  Plans and ideas haunt my sleeping and waking hours... even those... moments... seemingly interminal periods of indeterminate time when I can't be certain if I am awake or asleep, or neither in some off odd form of reality... or both?  No rest for the wicked?  If true, even less so for those who attempt life in light.  Though, at least with the light?  The suffering is a grace, rather than simple misery.  Or... so I believe.  As I personally understand things.

Recently, I had an appointment.  With the kidney clinic.  Apparently the V.A. allotment had lapsed.  Which means, without fast arrangements, I may be charged.  Their office moved.  And, in there, something was missed.  Or they sent something to me, that I didn't understand, respond correctly, or such?

I keep hoping for improvements.

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Exhausted, right down to the cellular level.  Muscles burn, as if exhausted via vigorous exercise much of the time.  Sometimes having done very little, sometimes from doing nothing at all.

Strangely, I can stack and store several hundred pounds of, say, bags of sand and top soil.  While that exhausts me, that often exhausts me less than I sometimes getting doing nothing, or much less work.  It's as if, at times, randomly, my cells can't get enough oxygen, or energy, so that they struggle to survive.  But that has nothing to do with exertion.  Organ failure?  Metabolic failure at some or several levels?

Running solo for a bit.

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Mother is off to a wedding.  A short stay, this time.  Five days, with travel, or so.  Which means I have to feed and water critters, and myself.  As well, I am doing a few other things, plus daily chores.  Trash is out today.  Not recycling.  If it is recycle day, there isn't enough to bother with.

I refreshed kefir, from scratch, recently.  Then turned that today.  I also cleaned the ice machine and one of the ice buckets, and am running several batches of vinegared water through. I also let the ice bucket soak in vinegar water, rinse soaked it in plain water, then did a final rinse and dried it.  It smells much more neutral again.  Was getting that freezer smell.

Rough?

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Still needing a lot of sleep.  Stress, the weather... it goes from warm to cool to cold, back up, then cold and with health being... off.  BP keeps staying high, even with taking medication, and extra.  I don't understand.  Then again, if mother wasn't here, I would go without food for days, weeks, possibly longer.  And I'd sleep clean through days to weeks, often without medication.  Only drinking water every few days to weekly.  Almost literal hibernation.

Perhaps there are times when the only thing that helps is sleep, well and rest.  While I sleep a lot, I do spend some of that downtime awake but doing nothing... thinking, daydreaming, sensing.  Still, mostly, sleeping for eighteen to thirty six hours, waking for food and water, or very minor chores, and medicine, every eight to twelve hours, for an hour or two.  Waking, every eighteen to thirty six hours for four to maybe pushing eight hours, before I crash again.

Complicated.

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Still sleeping a lot.  I finally closed the upstairs windows.  While it seems warmer, that isn't making much difference.  If I suspect, until it can be nearly seventy up there, regularly, it really is too cold to allow improvements.  And, of course, it will only be that temp for a while, before rising into the eighties or higher, so requiring ac.  Which... complicates temperature regulation.

There are things I like about my home, and the temperature changes, there are things I don't like.  My health issues add to the complications.  As sometimes, no matter how warm or cool, my body simply doesn't correspond to environmental inputs... fevers in the winter, chills in high summer.  Let's just admit I must embrace misery or suffer the more?  Something like that.

Two days down.

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Three?  Lots of sleep.  Trying to wake twice a day for food, water, and medicine, for what good the last is doing.  Though, I suppose, it could be worse otherwise.  However, the medicine isn't reducing my blood pressure as much as it should.  Keeping it in the 150-160/90-110 ranges, in spite of taking larger doses than should be indicated, double to triple the usual doses per reading.  I don't think the waterpills are working either.  I am at 224, last time I weighed.  Which is up fourteen pounds in spite of very few calories or water in.  Oddly, I sure seem to pee a lot?

I'll keep at it.  I may switch some things up.  Trying, for example, to drink plain carbonated water instead of flavored.  And reducing how much bread I eat.  I ate a bit more, with the experiment.  But, too, it isn't causing problems.  I don't think it would be the weight issue.  I think I had gained the weight before starting bread.  Mother says my color is better, after finally resting and sleeping so much more.  I... was getting into trouble there for a bit.  Feeling better.  If more sleep would yet be good.

Oh, the bread.

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I did, last night, get the last loaf of sourdough baked.  Now, for whatever reason, I could not get that loaf to rise to even 200 F.  I think the highest it got was 185.  I baked it for... Four hours?  Five?  At 480.  Checking the internal temp every forty minutes to hour.  Ugh.

Now, it did seem done, not burned or raw.  The flavor was definitely more sour.  A very odd loaf.  Seriously, pretty good.  So very strange though.

A few thoughts.

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I keep seeing bits in even the forms of what passes for news even in my materials regarding modern family issues, inflation or whatever that really is, and else.  I pretty much ignore these things, because to a degree, they don't have too much to do with me.  Still, I thought I would clear some things, like dumping a memory cache, so that I can move on to real issues.

The problem between men and women is pretty simple.  The solutions?  Those will solve themselves.  Currently, those aren't considered as worth pursuing as a social or political problem.  The effects of the disconnects, fewer children, a collapsing modernist population, is considered a feature by those with hands on levers.

Mom is distressed.

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Between wrist surgeries back to back, the good weather and neighborly help, plus what I can and am doing, she has pushed herself.  Pushed to an exhaustion which has exacerbated her palsey to a serious level.  She refuses to believe in cause and effect.

I know.  I... used to push to my near ends, and suffer greatly for it.  I can plainly see what she did and the costs.  That is why I don't let her, myself, or events, push, pull, drag, or crush me that deeply anymore.  I turn off the world, crawl in bed, and sleep as much as needed, wanted... to how much want has anything to do with... anything.

A few things right.

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The bread was finally baked.  It took nearly twice as long as suggested and barely opened along the cut?  Ah, altitude... it is nearly a mile high here.  I am hoping, next full batch, to add bloomed yeast.  As well, even the next loaf (too late to add yeast, as it is formed), to both set it out to come to room temperature, work it lightly to wake it, and add fresh surface tension.  As well, spritz water into the dutch oven as I close it up, in the hopes moisture will allow the skin to rise better before hardening.  As well, the next batch will be made using the keto einkorn flour, which should be much lighter than ground whole wheat.  I suspect, hope, it will be more like white flour, rising much easier.  Though will the sourdough or yeast have as much effect?

Mom seemed to like it.  Me?  Not so much.  I did a good thing, I went by internal temperature, to between 200 and 210 F.  This is why I have had a gummy loaf before.  As well, having a pizza stone under the Staub dutch oven (on a lower rack, not directly under the dutch oven) made it so the bottom of the loaf didn't burn, or even brown.

Getting there.

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Yes, two stretch and folds, as they are properly termed, were enough.  Now I have split the dough into two loaves, and begun shaping them.  Just a bit of stretching and foldind first, to waken the dough, then to form and begin creating a circular, global really, form.  Then rolling and pulling in order to create surface tention.

Once that has been worked as well as possible, a bowl or such is put over the portions.  Which are left for an hour.  I will do that one more time.  At which point, if I feel the tension is good (most likely), I will then heavily flour the battenons, place the portions in, the put those in two gallon plastic bags.  Putting the whole parts in the fridge.

Bread.

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A bit late, an hour later than hoped or so.  The sourdough starter had started deflating, from peak rise, but was still within ten percent of peak.  So, as good as I could do.  Might try using the alarm clocks to do better.  I thought I would be up in time, having slept so much.  But no.

I think the autolyse process went well.  According to what I was expecting , hoping, from a guru, the results were right.  Currently I am letting it rise.  Being whole wheat through and through, it won't bulk ferment to double.  As well, I am receiving conflicting data regarding flipping and folding the dough.

Some things.

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Having a heck of a time getting things done, tracking business and health affairs, being awake well or for long, and else.  I did get four or five things started or going.  But am stuck again.  I have... four or five more things still awaiting work or back in my court again.

I have been checking the sauerkraut varieties.  I may have oversalted?  Will find out.  Looking good, moving along.  So not too little salt or it would go bad.  Obtaining a pH tester next payday... helps track ferments, helps sort the right amount of salt needed, and when a ferment is ready, or safe to refrigerate.  As well, I added a jar of red radishes to begin pickling, a brine pickle as with the sauerkraut.

A short sweet dream.

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I was on a space station, in my current health and age.  It was rather roomier than would be realistic, something I consciously noted outside the dream.  A bit of a fourth wall break, something I generally avoid unless possibly needed to continue the suspended disbelief required for some of my dreams.

The dream survived both the obvious problem and my attempt to bridge the gap.

So sleepy.

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I didn't wake until early afternoon, nearly two/14:00.  But, just to eat.  I couldn't stay up.  Mom had half a dozen things she wanted me to do.  I told her I would do things later.  She wasn't happy.  She ended up just doing some of those things.  As I have said, if she wants things done on her schedule she may have to do them herself.  Not being rude, just... I have serious limits.

If you lived in my skin, you would understand.  Imagine going to bed at, say 21:00 to 22:00.  Waking at, say, 5:00 to 7:00.  Now, imagine being awaken every few hours, being asked to take out the trash, or put up kitchen rods, do these or those chores.  Sometimes, often, you couldn't.  Sometimes I can't even eat, even if it has been actual days between meals.

Trump or nay?

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As presented?  Sure, mostly.  If I have my doubts. 

I mean, most of what he seems to offer, suggest, sounds good.  From ending daylight savings to lowering personal and corporate taxes, shrinking the government, enshrining real enumerated rights... even clawing some of those back.  A lot of good things.

Some things are of no interest, such as attacking Iran for Israel, our involvement in African conflicts or the Ukraine debacle.  Though some of that is business.  Literally.  Like it or not.

Nausea.

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And more.  Like the extra side effects from the flu.  Dizziness, nausea, a mild headache, mild aches of various sorts, exhaustion, something like fevers from time to time.  Not actually sick, not with the flu.  Perhaps bad food in?  Or maybe the fast warming has thrown me?  Some such.

Mother is loving it.  Thus outside working.  Wants me to help.  Forcing me to help.  I got the riding mower gassed and going, she kept getting it stuck on a minor burm in the front yard.  After the second time in minutes I parked the mower, grounding her from using it.

Warming in bounds.

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Leaps and bounds.  It was 45 to 55 for a goodly bit.  Then it dropped into the 20s and 30s for lows.  Finally it seemed to improve, but on paper only... reaching 57 but that feeling cooler somehow than the day before when the high was 42.  Then it warmed into the proper fifties again.  Then hit 67 yesterday and 76 today.

Spring has rolled the

dice on summer.  It comes soon,

like it or otherwise?

Dreams.

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A set of them... three.

In the first, I was an older woman.  Early to mid fifties, single.  Working, but not in a real career.  Never married, no children, currently alone.  A doctor appointment and potentially dark news.  Cervical cancer?  I had to look it up.  Not sure which stage, or treatment plan, as of the dream.  Just... realizing... I was alone, poorish, and in possible serious trouble.

In the next dream, or portion?  I was an older mechanic.  Car?  Plant?  Again, not career, just employed, if partly self employed... Think shop employee and shade tree mechanic.  Married, with grown children.

Another day.

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I reset kefir last night.  Plus, changed all the jars.  I can use the jars four to six times before they start making the kefir a bit too sour due to buildup of old goop.  Though, too, I wanted to put new, cloth thus breathable, caps on the first ferment jars.  If nothing, to see if that makes a difference.

It does seem to make a difference.  From simple observation, the kefir grains float rather than sink in.  I'll know about taste shortly.  Oh, but the yeast scent is... fresher?  It smells more pleasant.  Though, with new, fresh, jars, that may be the cause, or part of it.

Ugh.

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Not everything hoped or planned.  Four things, pieces of business.  Plus bird seed in the feeder.  That was easy.  Most of the business that was completed was easy.  But two of the tasks took quite some time and multiple operators to fix.  However, as far as I can go, everything I started, from my end, was completed to my ability.  Two things are now in other people's hands.

I had planned to wake earlier, to get mom to the workforce center.  She has to, again, again, try to get medicaid in Utah.  They keep trying to deny her by playing ignorant.  Basically the denial game private health insurance uses.  Same game, public instead of private.  Though in Utah there is more to it.  Out-of-staters are third class cutizens.  If in-staters (save the favored) are second class.

Many things.

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This last week has been... more productive.  Shopping, business in town, a few things here at home, this and that.  Today, a lot of business.  I was surprised how much I could do just this afternoon.  Three bills checked, one left to check.  A few numbers obtained, or found again.  Various mortgage business done or arranged.  Several texts and emails received and relayed.  Ugh.

I finally made a final version of a keto flour which includes einkorn wheat, this morning.  And copied four recipes to file cards lately, two this morning.  It's as if I am having to relearn to write cursive again... getting better.  Plus we have been cooking and eating well.  Tonight I had a portion of kidneys.  Once you get used to them, I anyway, like them at least once a month, twice if I can remember.

Sorting things.

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Started burying myself in the cell phone.  Reading, here and there.  Watching vids.  Blogging.  Just killing as much time as possible, when I couldn't sleep.  I needed rest, and sleep.  So, for a bit, it was a method to that madness.  It is time to change that.

What can I do otherwise?  Gaming, some of the time.  Beginning exercises.  More chores and tasks.  Trying to attempt to be awake more often, reengage with life if and as possible.  And eat a bit more.  So cook a bit more.  I have begun exploring those keto recipes, I want to dig in further.  Some work, some don't.

Lots of sleep.

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At eighteen to thirty six hours at a time, only waking for a few hours at most, twice to three times a day, to drink and maybe eat, check vitals, and take medicine if possible, life is... strange.  I am only waking that if because mom wakes me.

She needs more help after carpal tunnel surgery on her right arm.  Which pretty much has made that arm useless to her.  So I am not just wanted, but needed.  I am doing my best to help, take over some of her duties including cooking, and being available when she just needs help.

Still sleeping as if in hibernation.

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Mother just doesn't understand.  I don't need food.  Can go days without even water.  And sleep for days, longer if someone would allow it.  It got really cold, there for a while.  Which added to all else driving me to sleep.  Warming back up, slowly, into the 40's and 50's.

We had a bit of a tiff lately.  She lost her bottom plate (teeth).  I was late for an appointment, couldn't help.  After a raft of merde, and not talking for a few days?  I finally asked.  She found it in her room.  A few more days of me not talking.  I am still a bit unhappy, especially that I had to ask before she told me.  Whatever.

Better, again.

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Still with a foot and a half in the grave, mostly just exhaustion from the harrowing numbers and, to me, cold.  It's been in the mid to high 40s, even 50, lately, for highs, outside.  Relatively warm, blistering for February.  But, up here, inside, it seems frigid.  Usually I mostly sleep through this season, but mom won't have it... mostly for the better, unless that kills me.  It might be?

A bloody nose nearly all of yesterday.  The first one in months, and the worst in years.  A sign or fluke though?

Back up.

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After a spot of sleep, and some rest, I awoke feeling slightly better.  Things have been being caught up, but were still behind.  Water jugs to fill, ice to make, and while at those, cats to feed.

As well, I wanted to check bp.  I took "morning meds", if very late, and after checking bp initially.  With it being in 151/95, by my recent protocol, I took a dose and a half (9.37 mg) of carvedilol.  As mentioned, that was disastrous.  BP dropped to 90/60, roughly.

Busy, ill, bad news, and struggles.

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And other news.  My kidneys, it seems, are damaged from high blood pressure and high insulin.  Both of which are under control.  But they have been under control for over a year.  So... why the recent fall?  My last three A1C readings where 5.9, 5.7, and most recently 5.5.  The last two are basically in the healthy range, without medication.  And bp, if I have to adjust medications, I have been keeping in the 120-130/70-90 range.  Not perfect, and with upward and downward blips, but those managed with more or less carvedilol... not going over the max, if never quite going without.  Why the blips though?

The heavy metals panel was finally completed.  Arsenic?  Not... extremely high, if too high.  Not from food, we cook mostly from raw.  I don't use anything that would induce poisoning.  If I have long suspected poisoning.  Whoever is breaking in?  I honestly believe it is being added to my kefir or the allulose I jad been using daily.  Not... well liked, for things I write, suggest.

Up, early, just for a bit.

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I had to get trash to the curb.  Mom pushes to get trash out, so at least I didn't have to collect it all, get it to the bin, then haul the bin out.  She can't get it, usually, up and in the bin.  But she can and does get it ready to go.  Usually in lighter batches, be cause a) that is her limit (if a good thing), and b) that is before it begins to smell (her nose is more sensitive).  Good all around.

A project is underway.  Finally, I got around to trying to corn a beef, make corned beef from a portion of brisket.  For two weeks, about a week and a half remaining, after creating a convoluted brining liquid, I am juggling the meat and juices, in a plastic bag.  The hope is for a corned beef that doesn't taste terrible.  Storebought has gone so far downhill that I don't consider them worth the fortune they now charge for them.  Slimey, terrible tasting, freezer burned, mushy.  I had given up, until I foung a recipe.  It only took me... three? five? years to finally get to making one?  Meh.