Someone...

.

.

Kicking me in the head, balls.  What a... kick.  Mostly a dame, or three.  But... my pal has visited.  Some bombs, tossed, enjoyed.

I never knew if she was the scorpion, or if that was me.  Though, really, I think we took turns?  Yes.  Yes I think so.  I... enjoyed my turns.

I think so?

.

.

The bank, I think, said yes.  The seller still has the bike, and seems stoked.  My drivers, however, are super busy.  With real work.  Maybe tomorrow afternoon.  If not then, maybe Saturday.  If not either of those, not until next Friday?  Ugh.  And... that will just be the decision, not purchase.

The bank won't be open for business that late or on Saturday.  Drive-thru, but not loan office.  So, down, look the bike over, test drive, decide.  If she's as advertised, I'll go back when he is ready to visit my bank and do the title etc.  Ugh.  Wow.  But so troubling.

Food and texts.

.

.

Some starts.  Cod, but just a small piece.  So I made burgers too.  Things tasted a bit off, but... so be it.  Griddled.  It was down to at least 38.  but the griddle is close enough, and warm enough, to have altered that.  I'd guess it was closer to 34 to 36 out there.  Wow, in early October?  I really think that usually it should be more like in the 40s and 50s, lows.  And into the mid seventies highs?  Seventy is the highest I have seen it, if I have just been making it to midafternoon and just lately.  But I think it has mostly been cooler.  Definitely when raining, overcast.

Texted about a rider. But, not wanting to risk more time passing, I texted to see if the seller still has the bike.  Have heard from neither party.  One I texted earlier, as I know he is an early riser.  He's probably still trying to get in touch with his brother, or sorting some things to see.  The other I didn't text until well after usual... office hours?  Something like that.  Don't disturb resting sellers.  :p

Well, working out.

.

.

Down around 17:00.  Twenty after or before, though, I... my mind was melting by then.  It was one or the other.  I tried to hammer it into memory.  But when that far gone, to do that well is a... bit of a trick.  Waking at 3:40 or so.  Which is as it is wanted.

The goal is to make it to five wakeups, then try to hold it there.  And, get to eight hour sleeps, which means 21:00, or really 20:00 bedtimes.  Anything disturbs that, assuming I am able to hold, and I'll be off again, chasing the day.  That is my lot.  A dreadful thing.

Strange day.

.

.

The extra visits stopped around the turn of the month.  Since then there have been about forty to fifty visits a day.  Back to what had become the usual, after a few years of elevated visits... until I unplugged from the net for a while.  Seventy, today.  Which is the temperature.  Just... an... odd mix.  A strange visit number and a warmer day than of late, if even then far cooler than usual?  Yes.

I contacted a neighbor.  It was trash and recycling day.  Bah.  Which isn't... too awful.  I'll get the bags out tonight, anyway.  There isn't much.  It will do find for a week.

May have found her?

.

.

The bike.  The thing is, I have to find someone to test drive her.  And, then, try to get a loan pre-approval through my bank.  Then arrange for a visit, when the seller, rider, and myself can all be at the same place at the same time.  And, then, figure out how to get her home.  The rider probably doesn't have a drivers license, but can drive.  Ugh.

I have a possible date, if it works out with the other.  But, another is being asked, due to... cramped schedules on one end.  So, having to wait.  Since I haven't even spoken with my bank yet, it's... not... a great push.  But, I would like to let him know I am interested.

Holiday?

.

.

Must be.  Which one I'll have to sort out.  Columbus Day?  Columbus' Day?  Whichever.  Are they still celebrating that?  Or has it been renamed?  I was wondering.  I called my back.  After eight, almost nine.  They didn't say why they weren't open, only that they were closed.  I figured banking hours haven't gotten that bad, though who knows.  Still, suspected it was... something.

So, no chance to call them today.  No calling the V.A. either.  Which is fine.  I'll have to celebrate Columbus somehow.  He had brass ones.  And... put them on the line.  I'm not sure if he really won.  I'm not sure anyone CAN win this game.  Not here, not now, not today, not in fullness, not in truth.  But... they can take risks, attempt to improve their lot, and the lot of their fellows, "superiors", even inferiors.

Food!

.

.

It's been a while.  Still, couldn't eat the whole thing.  I dug through two thirds of it.  The steak has been in the freezer... a while.  Three, four, months.  So wasn't top.  But, it... was steak.  It was a steak which sort of got... bumped to the side and forgotten.  Most other steaks are a month or two.  Though, honestly, the freezer is hard on meat.  Even the drop in.  Though quality, going in, at any time, is always... questionable.  This batch, that roast it's cut from, from handling at the plant, to cutting in the store, to how they pack it.  Problems can occur anywhere.

Hmm... always check.

.

.

The fellow who offered his number suggests it is a number in the states?  I did a reverse check, Mass.  But... I don't know if it is a metered number, if I have to pay to use.  As well, he wants me to call in the evening.  Which... is fine.  My evening, his evening.  I asked for his general time zone, which he hasn't offered.  The Philippines is a collection of islands.  Not sure if it has more than one time zone, but could, easily.  And, I want to have some... time period... his  time.  Ugh.

This shouldn't be so difficult, but... understand. we live in a world in which very little is as it seems.  Check everything, twice, more if you have the time, energy, skills, and capacity to think your way out of a wet paper sack.  I sent another missive, with the queries.  And will check with my phone company tomorrow.  Don't want to pay $50 bucks, or $1k, for phone advice services or something.

Another hour along.

.

.

I push for staying in bed longer.  It just isn't possible.  I had to push past 22:30, then 0:30, to get to 1:30 as it was.  I did stay awake until 16:00.  If more from a minor bout with insomnia than from any skill, or effort, or even luck.  I was... too tired to get up and go to bad, so sat and stared at the screen while I monkeyhammered the keyboard.

Got all medicine in, for sure, yesterday.  And I think the two days before it?  Probably.  I'll try to keep it up.  Taking full dose, as prescribed.  Will for a while.  But if I remain crimpled by it still, in a week or two, I'll lower carvedilol.  That shit is harsh.  Ignore the clown in the medical gear.  Trust the one who is taking the junk.

No shower.

.

.

I got one yesterday.  Will just have to wait for tomorrow.  I did, however, make it to 15:00.  Two after, as I write.  Nice.  Very nice.  Very tired.  Oh, and I took medicine.

So very difficult to... push.  When I am so tired.  Sore even.  I'm a take some painkillers before going to bed.  That can help me sleep better, longer.

Made it!

.

.

Okay, it's only 13:00.  But I have been crashing right after or right before noon for the last three days.  Tried to go a bit more and stumbled.  Surprised I didn't fall and chip a tooth.  Almost literally.  More?  Maybe.  Oh, but I best get medicine down.  Yes, first thing... even before finishing this.  Or... well... yes.  I don't need coffee, had three today?  Two?  I'll... drink something else.  Cool water?  Whatevs...

The goal?  15:00 and a shower.  I haven't pulled trash and recycling, but I have gathered it.  That needs out tonight.  I also pulled meat to thaw.  With plenty of propane, I should be able to eat well for a while.  It's been a few days since I've eaten, even a day of just water.  Soup a few days, just soup a couple of days.  I'm... hungry.  Nothing beats meat.  Wait... never... mind.

Bikes...

.

.

I did a bit more looking tonight.  Reminiscing too.  

The first bike I was going to buy.  I sat it, liked it.  Planned on it.  Just waiting for my reenlistment bonus, $35k in the day.  Then, or put that away and wait for my pay upgrade to petty officer second class.  Or?  I was pretty sure my captain, the co of my sub, was putting in for mustanging.  Busting ranks.  He had done it, had been... waiting for the next one.  Thought he found me.  Yea, so... perhaps waiting until that came through, putting all the other bonuses up for... my first house?

Some fish went for the bait!

.

.

Just... we'll get to that.  But, first... a bike.

I really have to consider this.  Sure, winter is coming.  But there are days when riding is possible.  Usually.  Though if this winter is like last, those days will be rarer than usual.  We'll see.  Then again, it's early October, and down into the mid 30's to low 40s at night.  That... is early.  Cold doesn't mean snow.  But a warm ocean does.  And the ocean isn't so much warm as hot.  Still, cold has to clash with it, from the north.  We'll see.

Midnight and change.

.

.

An hour later each night for the last three.  I think I skipped several hours a shot the nights before?  Heading toward daytime, a ways to go.

It is 42 outdoors.  Upstairs was 63 in the main when I went to bed, didn't check the temp on my alarm, down near me.  When I woke it was 64 in the main, but did check the alarm temp, it was 67.  I put out some serious heat.

Still awake, but dragging.

.

.

Sandpaper eyelids don't help.  *blink blink*  No coffee for most of the night.  Though, finally, I gave in and made some.  Using chocolate collagen powder gave it a boost.  As well, sweetener.  Cool water to temper it just a bit.  Nothing fancy, but it works.

Oh, I did clean the pee jugs.  With things being off, I have been filling one a day, rather than one a week as I had been doing.  Something is really off.  And, during the day, I am voiding about double that.  How can I be dropping nine liters a day, while only taking in between three and five?  Anyway.  That's a good start.

So difficult.

.

.

Having a heck of a time lately.  Just getting in to shower, or remembering to thaw meat, and so on.  The very simple, little, easy things are so seemingly impossible!  Now, I keep aiming at the goals.  Keep pushing, trying, thinking about how to get to these things, what might make it happen.

And, yet, not yet.  Difficult.  And, life is beginning to become painful again.  Mostly kinks in the neck and back.  But my legs hurt, as if they are draining too much.  As well, very susceptible to cramping.  Legs, even the torso if I bend or flex the wrong way.  Not sure what the problem is.  It doesn't make sense.  Minerals used to manage this really easily.

Awake?

.

.

Getting there.  Down just before noon.  It was as good as I could do.  Awake right at 23:23.  Or... that is when I got out of bed.  Not quite awake yet.

Sassy was offered fresh water after washing out her bowl, and food right off.  She was hungry.  And, being down for eleven hours or so, I prefer to feed her right off.  When on my six to more likely eight hour sleep cycle, I wait two to three hours after waking to feed her.  So, this... sort of aligns with that.  With a rotating schedule, I try to play fair with her.

I did get medicine in, "morning and night", yesterday.  My morning, and my night.  Will try to keep that going.  It won't help, immediately.  But, nothing will help any time soon.  I am in some sort of rut.  I still think having a woman around would help.  Children too.  The sounds of life... are pleasing to my ears.  Wouldn't be perfect, just better.  And... reasons to wake.  Someone to greet, even kiss.  Not sex all the time or such, just... kissing a gal as I wake would be... pleasant.  Though... sex wouldn't be horrible, just not always there.  Ugh.

I had an interesting dream.  Was it the Philippines?  Or some other island.  Westerners brought in tech, a long time ago, then abandoned it.  Old tech, but easily enough kept operational, and being brought back into service.  A new Western corp decided to see if it could be used to pull natural gas.

That worked out.  But, with the machinery being so overbuilt, there was some waste.  A bit of negotiating with the locals at the smaller and larger groups, and a plan was hatched to use the "wasted" work potential to pull water.  And aqueduct was created, and the thing put in play.

This new system brought a lot of needed extra water down through villages and to a major port city.  Worked really well.  I was on a tour of the thing.  Fascinating to see old and new, helping the locals and reduce over pumping from groundwater.  Uhrm, for a while.

However, while in there, myself... an engineering friend, a couple of native women, and a company rep, werewolves began to transform.  We had to get out.  Some of the engineering spaces were tight.  Several close calls.  But, finally, we made it into a sealed section.  And then on back.  I was able to help save lives, people getting caught in the machinery, or such.

I would have thought the creatures should have easily caught us, with as many problems as we had.  But they, I supposed, are animals in this form, and probably had a heck of a time.  Charging through an operational mechanical space, with little room to maneuver, they too got caught up on things, probably hurt by the howls of pain, from time to time.

My heart was thumping when I woke.  Not... fear... so much.  But... excitement.  Though there was some anxiety, if more the type that comes when playing tag and not wanting to be it.  For, I too am a monster.  I don't need to change.  But, I don't want people to... know my little secret.  And, facing off easily against two werewolves would have given... some potential things away.  I'm just not a human consuming type of monster.  I... consume monsters.  Or... so the dream seemed to indicate.  And boy was I famished.  Could have used just a bite, but too many witnesses.  *grins*

Got to nothing yesterday.  Will try today, again.  Did call my mother.  Her "obama" phone is worth everything she paid for it.  Lots of trouble.  When it dials through, or rings through, it isn't... always who it says it is.  Lots of problems.  I would think she was the problem, save she never had this problem with her other phone.

The government seems able to screw up everything they touch.  Probably why regular cell phones are becoming so problematic.  And, are those phones the ones being used for call harassments?  Most likely.  Still, this time, I got through.  Short talk.  Just... a welfare check, for my part.  I don't think she will ever call me again, of her own volition.  Whether age or temperament I can't know with certainty.  Well, and the idea that I will be selling off and moving overseas.  She's a bit... miffed.  Oh well.  Later.

More music.

.

.

Almost makes me sad.  But the truth is, I know no woman who was available, seemed interested, who I wanted, and who would work.  Beyond, I can't honestly afford an American, or Western really, woman.  Further.  They aren't all that interested.  

They want to be a wife, or a spouse, or have a wedding day, the ceremony, events, play dress-up.  But to care for a home?  To even have children?  Tend a husband, children?  Too much work.  Easier to just divorce and move on.  Or drag a man into her misery.  I'm... not going there.

So strange.

.

.

I'm not taking extra waterpills.  I even miss every third day, of late.  Even so, my legs hurt from the water coming out.  As if too much is draining.  And, cramps, a bit too often.  The other things which will cause cramping is if my legs are too cold, if I am walking around in a t and underwear, when it is 72 or less, that will do it.  But I have been wearing warm pants, and have been warm.  Warm enough to consider turning the furnace down to 70.  Perhaps even 68, if still good.

As well, I am taking vitamins daily, pretty much every day.  As well, minerals, a compound of them that is specifically for muscle cramping problems when taking waterpills.  And D3 for good measure.  I keep forgetting the B complex, but... that doesn't really help with cramping.  And, to be honest, I haven't seen anything missing from not taking those.  But the minerals, usually, help with cramping.  Not sure why the cramps of late, with the care I am offering.  Maybe not enough food.

A more normal cycle.

.

.

I was counting on more sleep, as has been the time local norm.  But that just didn't happen.  Right at eight hours down, my eyes popped, blood started flowing, and fully awake before there was anything I could do to resist.  Like hitting a wakeup wall full on, at full speed.  No pain, just fully awake immediately.

So?  So I... don't know.  Will try to get to some efforts.  Trash out, recycling out, a shower maybe a shave if not necessarily, any of it, in a hurry and all at once.  Then, cleaning the freezer top, setting up dishes, putting in a load of whites.  I'm... awake.  Plus, if I can wear myself out, then on to bed early.  Or... late, again.  As early or late as possible.  Rock that damn stuck in the mud vehicle.  Get out of the rut!  Ugh.

Doesn't look like it rained.  Looks like whatever was here has moved well on.  And nothing is immediately, currently, on it's heels.  Did I take meds?  I know I did when I woke.  Not sure I did later.  I... am trying, and not doing superior.  I'll... keep trying.  Need to get newer water pills, too.  And find out when my next appointment is, and when and where my doc wants me to get blood work.  If he wants it up there, I'll try.  Still haven't received money for the trip, reimbursement.  Some insurance companies do that too, if travel is long.  So, that's...  Or they used to do that.  Hard to tell these days.  Maybe only CEOs, board members, and congress/senate/government employees get that sort of thing these days?  Don't know.  But, since it's there, I'll apply and... wait.  Not sure how much it is, these days.

About as far as I can get.

.

.

No shower.  No dishes.  No laundry.  Didn't even pull any meat out.  I've been slowly crashing for hours.  But strongly enough that just going to the bathroom has been a bit of work.  Anything else has mostly been out of the question.  I'm hungry.  Almost hangry.  Not much I can do about it.

I had hoped to make a few calls.  Along with those other things.  No dice.  When I have been up too long I can't talk.  The throat gets wonky.  I have been awake too long for several days in a row.  It's offset by sleeping too long.  But both are more a problem than a solution.

Cool out there!

.

.

Expecting it.  But never quite ready for it?  It's 34 out there.  Strange thing though, no snow on the caps.  There had been, last time I really looked.  Feels like a week or two ago.  Then again, was cloudy for the last three or four days.  And raining.  I would have to guess it must have rained on the peaks, rather than snowing?  Very strange, but cold often comes in, chasing off warmer wetter weather.  I guess.

I have been looking for socks which fit my feet.  You wouldn't think that would be required, but when you hit size 15~16, it becomes vital, and difficult.  I found some that are for size 15 to 18.  So, if it's true, not Chinese, size?  I should be in really good shape.  One can hope, but doubt, on amazon.  They seem to only sell Chinese, or for now.  Which is probably why they are dying on the vine.

One of my docs...

.

.

She... was interesting.  Doubted everything I said, but seemed to believe me too.  Very strange woman.  Little, older, foreign.  Not an enemy foreigner, save for her politics.  Tried to be secular, was wrong and knew it.  Strange how people are like that.  I used to be like that, still don't understand it... not fully.

She... is on my mind.  Music I sent her.  In the shade, if I think she knew anyway?  To be a devil, and love a little sister, but it be too late?  So be it.

Some things.

.

.

I wrote a rather harsh review on amazon.  An item that arrived dead.  Then had a heck of a time getting amazon to do a return, until eventually it just timed out and I... gave up.  I wrote about my experience, with the product and amazon.  It's... been... a month?  Two?  Fire and forget.

Received an email, apologizing for the product and experience.  It it, they suggested I simply reply, refund requested, or some such?  I copy and pasted, in a reply, so it would be done.  Of course, whether it will be done, whether I did it correctly, I guess I'll find out.  If they do that, I will raise my review.  And explain that they made it right.  Even so, I will never order such things through amazon again.  Way too many problems with those devices, and the returns have become... unlikely.  They just screw around, tell you one thing, do something else.  It was impossible!

No idea.

.

.

I can't remember when I went to bed.  I think I woke up around 22:30?  Give or take... a while.  I just can't be sure.  Fed Sassy first thing, got coffee going.  Sliced the final parts of cheese and salami... for now or for the month.  We'll see.

It has been dark, day and night really, for the last... day, two, three?  Or, from what of it I have seen.  Raining, a lot.  Just time, or also in inches?  I just don't know.  But there has to be some serious water coming down.  It's been raining off and on for those two to three days.  Not four, I think.  But at least two and more like three.  I think.

Sprinkling and raining.

.

.

Cool to cold, too.  Pretty much all night, so far.  And it seemed to have let loose, or drizzled, during the day as well.

I came down in just a t and unders.  Wasn't sure I'd be awake long.  It's about the time to nap.  May take a shower first?  And another tomorrow... or after the nap really.  Coffee is good.  But it's not much as for food, and the warming of the hot liquid only warms for just a bit.

A bit rough, slightly tumbled.

.

.

I missed medicine yesterday, what with all the doings.  And pushing through.  Or... did I just miss what would have passed for the last two thirds, which would have been an actual, by clock, day?  Something.  I thought I took medicine in my "morning", but then... lost track.  The thing is, when my days stretch out like that, should I take medicine by clock schedule, or not.  I'll... ask my doc, or his nurse, the next time I call.

Still, that would have been at least one more dose, and that didn't happen.  As well, I have been missing medicine off and on a lot lately.  Dark weather, rain, less sun on top of even that through fewer hours up, of what is available.  I just have to get my head back in the game.

Unbelievable.

.

.

Packages, coming in, from Philadelphia, somewhere in Florida, and California.  Said they would be here today, but that... wasn't possible.  Here.  Today.  Okay.  I won't argue with reality or honest assessments.  Just... didn't look possible.  I don't mind being pleasantly surprised.  I just don't expect to be.

I paid the card off, that bought all the goodies.  Cut my mortgage payment, currently, to just what is owed.  Have a savings started.  Took one of the cards off accounts, and will be paying that off as quickly as possible, while cutting spending and increasing savings.  Yes.  The hope is to have a small heap of cash for an exit strategy.  Though, to get the eyes fixed?  And get sorted out how to leave.

I did not get angry.

.

.

And... a good thing too.  The money IS there.  It just... well, I don't get it.  I just checked my mail, and this was the bank statement... for August?  Ah, but... it was for before the deposit in August, and... okay.  But still, very strange.  I have one with $1,300 listed, which I got before I got this one?  Crazy.  Hmm, wonder if this one got put in the wrong box, returned, and put back in my box later?  

Anyway.  I... simply told her my problem.  And, then, went through the difficult task of ID'ing.  And, was as patient as I can be on my best days.  As I told her, when it was finished, it wouldn't have been her who wronged me, even if I had been wronged.

A bit surprised.

.

.

At six, it's just 42 to 43 out there.  Even with the rain.  Which, to be honest, I am surprised hasn't turned to snow.  Yet.  It's warmer than I expected it to be.  Not from weather reports, though those seem to be agreeing with my assessments.  If... also wrong, so far.  We'll see.  It could happen in a flash, or take some time.

I'll try to stay awake long enough to call the credit union, find out what is happening with the money.  As I said, there should be, at the very least, $1900 in there.  More like $2200 to $2400.  They are showing $1k.  Nope, something is wrong.  I'll let them look through it.  Then ask whether it's the police or district attorney's office I need to call about money gone missing.  Don't even think they can gaslight me about any of it.  I'll also call my other bank, see what they suggest.  Of course, banks might well cover for each other.  We'll... see.

Yeah.

.

.

Awake.  Have been since... 16:30?  17:30?  Somewhere in there.  Looking for... patterns, here and there.  Even the best can't, won't, put out meaningful clues, even if they have them, all that often.  Beans, secrets, patterns... if spit out too often, their value becomes zero.  Further, people can only take just so much, just so fast, no matter their... capacity.  Input, output, regulated, even, or in batches anyway.  

Besides, the world is pretty much understood.  Pegged.  Those who realize what is coming either realize they can do absolutely nothing about it, including running.  So, are just going to relax, sit back, perhaps hedge some minor bets by putting some food and such up, weapons, precious metals.  Know that... having and keeping in a starving world are... very different things.  And all thieves and murderers have to do is get lucky once.  Given the odds, it's... well, perhaps they won't ever see it coming.  They'll be dead before they knew it was happening.  Some will, in their terms, get lucky.

Bah!

.

.

Never did get to sleep.  Just... couldn't, didn't, wouldn't?  No, I would have.  It... just... didn't come together.

On the good side, I wrote my old friend again.  I'm... never sure if my friends are mad at me, if they are my friends, if...  Yes, I... share some... feminine traits.  Neurosis of the brain.  Not... to their level or ability.  And, more because I live so very solo.  So, I... fill in for the missing woman of the house, sometimes.

Cheese, salami, gaming, and checking on things.

.

.

I'm hungrier than what a bit of cheese and salami will manage, but I just can't get to more.  Not quite yet.  Maybe not tonight?  I am seriously considering going on to bed much earlier than usual.  Like six to ten hours early.  Why?  I'm... tired.  So very and strangely tired.  It's fall, that will begin happening more and more.

While I keep my home closed off, so don't see the sun often or nearly as directly as many, when there is less of it, it probably has more impact on me than others.  The very little I get is further reduced.  Still, that's fine.  It isn't getting too cold too fast, or yet.  It's been a smooth transition, a slow decline.  Still, I am stumbling just a bit for the season changing.

Someone toying with ideas?

.

.

Mocking, testing, comparing, offering?  I can't be certain.  Or... just randoms.  Not even musical, mostly, this time.  Oh, something in the background I thought was interesting.  Something I... knew long before I knew of this movie.

This one?  Yes.  But... which one?  I think I have played both parts.  Catching, teaching others.  Rightly and wrongly.  Being caught, by God, in my fall, and pulled out for... thoughtful banter and contemplation.  Oh, trust me, if not directly, God has certainly... paused things, while I was dying, or while I was planning to die.  We... have talked.  If I didn't always understand it in that way.  Much as, when young, I didn't realize how slowly I really could, did, move.  Strange, the mind, our understanding of reality... rightly and incorrectly.

Hmm? Oh, awake.

.

.

Just awake, if also not quite awake.  Waking?  Never can be certain, but I think so.

Down sometime after six.  Ten minutes?  Two hours?  I... don't know that.  Awake at about 16:30, give or take ten.  What with putting compression socks on, and getting otherwise dressed.  It might have been very quick, or... a while.  I can never quite tell.  All I know is sometimes all that happens in, like... literal moments.  Other days it takes ten minutes just to get compression socks on.

More changes.

.

.

Simple... economic mechanical... changes.  For now.  I stopped paying the extra against my mortgage.  I'll add that to my savings account instead.  Cash is king, or will be for a bit, going forward.  I have been saving for a while now.  Hmm, looks like money has been removed?  But... when?  I will have to check on that.  It looks like the bank just lost nearly $900.  That had better be a mistake.

Yes, right, more things.

.

.

I have looked up some other things.  One was how to get to Asia, generally, by boat.  At first it seemed... very expensive.  But, when comparing flights, stops, hotel bookings, etc, etc, etc, it... isn't that expensive.  And, for a seat with more room, on a plane?  I would guess the ships would be much more inexpensive.  Especially being able to take some cargo?  I'd have to check.

A cabin costs from $100 to $150 euros a day, and the trip takes thirty days.  The price?  Not as much issue as the time.  Though, really, I don't need to get to the Philippines.  If there is a place I could get to, from when I could then fly the last leg?  That would work.  I just don't want to fly from, or through, the US airports.  If the airlines and government want to make flying shitty, cool.  As the other big guy might have said?  Your fired!

A call.

.

.

Text, actually.  I always get those confused, when I get them while mostly asleep.  An invitation to church, or a meal after.  A meal after.  I couldn't have gotten up and going in time for church, and had nothing ready to wear.  So...  But I could make it for a meal after, and have more casual clothes.  If even that was pushing it.

Time moves so fast.  Hadn't planned on being awake until... 20:00?  It was just at 15:30 when I got the text.  Had to sleep a bit more.  Then got up around 16:30.  Then had to push through.  A shower.  Getting dressed.  Getting to town.  Actually got there, say, ten minutes early?  All good.  I got us a place and waited.

Needed, wanted.

.

.

The steak was just a bit off.  More a texture, than taste, thing.  Thankfully.  Still, I was able to eat two thirds of the rather large steak.  The rest I'll save for later.  Sometimes, if the steak was too rough, I won't.  But this is pretty good.  And I was saving a better part from last, thinking sure I'd get it.  Just... couldn't.

It is sure getting cool out there.  But the grill was warmer.  Strangely.  I wonder if some propane is better than other propane?  I'm not sure what the deal is, but this is burning much, much, hotter.  Very odd.

Finally got to it.

.

.

I didn't check all of the meat, but the first steak I opened and checked seems okay.  Still, I am letting it rest at room temp, with salt, pepper, and garlic powder this time.  I checked the new powder.  Nice odor.  Supposed to be California garlic.  By the scent I trust it more than not.  China garlic is so old, sprayed with so many things, and such, that by the time it gets here, it has no flavor or scent.  Of course, who ever knows these days.  Even that which isn't Chinese, now, is often fake.  Americans and Europeans just fake better.

A timer is set.  When it goes off I'll get the griddle heating.  Looking forward to this, hoping it does work out.  Though, I may fry up the last of the burger, for crumble for the week.  Spicing it with the remnants of old but still potent carolina reaper, and some cayenne.  The blend is... verra noice.  I get high, medium, and some lower notes.  I have added just regular hot pepper flecks, but that really just doesn't seem to... add anything.  Below my threshold?  I may try, again.  If nothing else, it will use the other flecks up, add a bit more color, and... maybe some nearly hidden notes?  Can't hurt, is all I am saying.  A whole handful does nothing, spicewise, for me.  But, I don't think adding that much seed is good for... some places.  So I will with a simple tablespoon... along with the other spices.

Odd.

.

.

The burger I bought tonight looked and felt... better?  Yes, yes it did.  It fried strangely, though.  It was 80% lean, so 20% fat, but cooked up like 93%.  I wonder if they mixed up the packages, or if they are pulling fat "for our own good".  These cunts always get that shit wrong.  All I know is I wasn't really impressed.  Hoping it was just a mix-up.  Though, at least I didn't buy a lot of it.  Just a three to four pound pack.

I didn't check the other meats in the fridge.  I can do that now.  Whatever is bad will go out now... or... when I check shortly.  Anything good... I'll pick something from among it and get that ready.  It's been a while since I have eaten properly.  I am so hoping one of the steaks is still good.

Nice, good, super.

.

.

I got the shower in.  Got dressed.  Moving slowly.  But... moving.  Fast enough, if almost just fast enough.  Then, finally, out.

I didn't brush my teeth.  No one seemed to notice, if I kept my distance.  Though, who knows.  With only "eating" coffee and kefir for days, and mostly a week or two, maybe my breath isn't bad?  I just... don't know.  Flossing yields nothing.  Picking at them doesn't bring "stuff" off.  Still, who knows.  Can't be sure people would be honest, when they are trying to be kind... to the old, dying.

18:00.

.

.

Pretty much as I am waking.  Might have been just a few minutes before, but close enough.  It is 66 outside, 73 near the computer.  I think it was 68 upstairs?  Or... did I even look.  It was a good day for sleep.  My guess is, as the world cools, sleeping in, through, the day has become easier.

Sassy was fed, first thing.  When I am on a more regular schedule, I don't do that.  But, when I am waking an hour or two later, day after day, I tend to feed her right when waking.  It's as fair as I can be do her.  Animals are... more... cyclical, on a regular clock.  I can... only do what I can do, regarding that, at times.  I do my best.  She suffers through well.

Still awake?

.

.

Yes.  Barely.  But, just... never got up there.  Twenty to ten, last time I looked it was 40 out there.  It was 42 around 1:30.  I am pretty sure it got a few degrees colder than 40, as the sun had already been up, and warmly, a good hour and a half by then.  So... 36?  I would bet.  I don't think it frosted, but it is heading that way.

At first, I thought it had clouded over.  Nope.  Just that the sun isn't well up yet, and the tree is blocking even that.  I'm not used to being awake this "late".  Ugh.

Dancing.

.

.

Putting things together.  From fresh, old, recent.  Mostly because someone saw something, and... let me know.  I had to smile.  And eventually post.

Late?

.

.

Or early, to bed?  I... can't remember.  It is 4:02, so is late in the day, early if you were just waking.  But, that doesn't mean anything to somehow whose schedule can spin like a plane out of control.  I can't remember when I have been going to bed, or waking, mostly.  I think I woke between 15:00 and 16:30.  Sure of it.  But... that was today.

Yesterday?  The day before?  And... bedtime?  I have no idea.  All I know is that I have hit a roadblock, and must sleep.

Such... music.

.

.

And her.  Is she haunting me, or am I... thinking too hard.

Some songs, from old.  I remember them, her, us... we.  We... didn't marry, but we certainly enjoined.  Similar, dark, hungry, thirsty.  Naughty?  If... you must, but that never was the point.  Love?  Aspects of it, at various times, in various measures.  She refused it for... for reasons.  I sought it blindly, if mildly.

Awake, and... sort of beginning?

.

.

Oh, some things I ordered last month arrived.  My mistake.  I ordered snow pants, snow cargo pants.  For... reasons.  Anyway, I... ordered the wrong sex?  It looks like it.  Insomnia, plus women's pants are almost never in tall.  Must have been on autopilot when ordering.  No biggy, they just go back.  Already ordered one of a men's type.  I may be a bit strange, but... I'm practical.  Should I try them on, to see?  They... were cheaper.  And, while practical first, I am cheap too.  I don't care, if they... fit, mostly.  Nothing fits perfectly.  But their probably way too big in the butt.  It's... just... how women's things go.  That's mostly a compliment though, so don't take it harshly.

And the cheese arrived.  I haven't thawed salami, but will.  Still, I'll have some of that cheese to start the day, with coffee.

Not... much.

.

.

I am looking things over.  No where I would move, no matter what the pushers say, will be... inexpensive.  Wherever you go, there you are.  And... you get what you pay for.  From language barrier to exotic expenses to figuring out where to get food, while spending more on eating out, there are more expenses than one would think.

Still, less, I think, than America.  Even in the local towns, rents run higher than my mortgage, more than double, for far less space.  It's brutal, ugly, impossible.  I am surprised there aren't more homeless.  Then again, they wouldn't stay here.  Winters are too harsh.  If you don't have family, maybe really good friends, being homeless here will likely be lethal.

A next day, I guess.

.

.

I've been up for a while.  Looking over the web, reviewing ads for the stores starting the month.  Considering some business.  As well, just waking up slowly.  It's been a good night, and day so far.  Slept well, woke well.  Good.

There is a sale on burger.  Almost tempting.  But it's still a bit higher than I prefer, and leaner than I really like.  At one store it is $4.99 but at the other it is $4.49?  Okay.  One may require larger packages.  But, at 93 lean, I don't prefer it to start.  And, the price is more than I want to pay.  So I'll skip, for now.

A new day.

.

.

I have been awake for a goodly time.  Since... 14:00?  14:30?  Or so.  Not... doing great, or horrible.  For as weakly as I am doing, there is no pain.  Strange.  Usually, when cripled up, I hurt.  Not this time.  All good.

Hungry, but couldn't cook.  Don't really like food off the grill, these days.  Too smokey?  Or something.  Textures is different as well.  Coffee just wasn't doing it though.  So... I got the leftover chicken out, wrapped it in foil, and put it in the oven.  Set that for 350, gave it 35 minutes.

Grilled burgers.

.

.

Something to eat.  Needed food.  Desparately, strangely.  Grilled, over flames nearly.  Truly?  Just... not my favorite.  Still, it was meat, cooked, edible.  But, yes, I like it off the griddle quite a bit more than over coals.  That's good for some things, burgers, to my mind, isn't one of them.  Hotdogs?  Yes, I think so.  But I haven't tried those on the griddle.  I don't think I can blacken them on the griddle.  Some roasts?  Yes, or... reasonable either way... if you can cook it on the griddle?  But not burgers, or steaks really.

I cooked two pounds of burger, but didn't eat that much.  Of six or seven patties, I only ate four or five?  And, some is lost in the cooking.  I may finish the last burgers later, and maybe some chicken.  Oven heated, I suppose.  Still hungry, just not... of flesh.  My mind wants more food, my belly tells my mind to shut up.  Had enough.  For now.

Yes, good.

.

.

I checked my accounts.  Good.  Not... rich?  Right, but not broke.  Until I paid bills.  However, that I was able to pay bills before payday?  That's... good.  I didn't pay the thirty or so from Home Depot, the remnant of the charge that was mostly refunded.  But that isn't due.  And, I wanted to pay other things.

As well, I reviewed what was in my cart, for amazon.  I have been cutting, and cutting, and cutting.  A few things, but a lot less.  I still have $200 in the cart, but won't be spending that much.  Cutting.  A pair of shoes every other month.  Plus a few things as needed.  Probably just $130 this month?  $115, unless something comes up.  Would like cheese.  Can pay through amazon.  But... may skip until next month.  Yea.  I'll... try to hold on to cash, and pay off bills.  

Late.

.

.

Now, truth be told, while it seems I am just awake at 15:00, that isn't the real truth.  I woke up at ten.  Came down stairs.  And was about to start my day when... I realized something.  I have been pushing to the breaking point.  Sure, I can get up at ten.  But I am miserable.  I have been miserable for the last week.  Month?

Not the worst of my misery.  But I have been pushing to sleep less, to be up at certain hours, and... other things.  Which has been absolutely cripling me.  How can I get anything done if I dont' sleep until rested.  If I push, and shove, and... do that day after day, week after week.  Months on end.

The roast was bad.

.

.

It was done rightly.  A nice medium to medium rare, after the ends were cut.  But the flavor?  There simply was no flavor.  Without adding a serious gravy, and butter, maybe cream, there was just nothing there to eat.  No more inexpensive roasts.  Just not worth it.  Good, if thinly sliced, for jerky.  Nothing else.

I did carve the rest of the chicken, and put the meat away.  I may store the carcass, so as to help the next time I make broth.  Or not.  I'll... see.

Not bad.

.

.

Just some of the chicken, so far.  Might have some of the roast in a bit.  The skin got a bit papery, but the meat was good.  I had some of the breast meat and one of the hindquarters.  The breast will tell you all you need to know.  This was moist, done, if as always a touch bland.

I'll finish carving the bird, and put it up for the next few days.  Probably just eat it cold.  The microwave, thankfully, died.  And the oven doesn't reheat chicken well.  With the roast, I can slice thin bits off, and griddle them.  I just can't see warming chicken on a griddle though.

I am also restarting a fresh game on Cyberpunk.  I know the story, well into the game.  What I don't know is what works best, how things work anymore, and just how to do things even if those haven't changed.  I just don't remember what I am doing, or how to do it.  IF I can get into, and keep at it, I'll return to the saved game, at some point.  But there is a reasonable chance that I just can't dig in.

You... shouldn't make an exceedingly complex game, then change a bunch to make it mostly work.  Then change... how everything was arranged as to leveling?  Skill trees?  Everything?  How deep the changes are, I guess, will be sorted shortly.  But, so far, it's looking like... almost everything has changed.  Ugh.

Hmm... a bit of the roast, carving the rest of the chicken, putting the meats up, then?  Probably back to bed.  Can barely stand.  It's hitting 16:00.  So, for good or ill, I did stay up well through the day in spite of wanting to be in bed since, pretty much, I woke up.  Did I ever really wake up though?  I'd say no.

Ugh.  Or, perhaps I could stay up just a bit longer, tinker with the game.  I attempted to find information online, regarding my 'toon, in the new paradigm.  But there wasn't anything useful.  Just a lot of mouth breathing foreigners who can't speak English well, and don't really know much about the game... new or old.  Just... sellers.  They obviously can't play, just push the game onto their fellow countrymen.  Sound higher-q, but only for from wherever they are actually from.  Pushers.  Poor ones, in every meaning of the word poor.  But, aimed at poorer people, I guess.  Trash.

I'm not thinking many real people are playing that game.  And... for reasons.  Still, what other people do, or don't do, is of no concern of mine.  Bleh.  Grumpy, tired, a bit stretched, and... with other things on my mind. Later.  Or goodnight.

Trying to get to gaming.

.

.

Cyberpunk 2077?  Aye.  But the recent update... changed... everything?  I won't be going in on their woke dlc.  They keep shooting themselves in the foot, and I keep letting them.  I just won't play their game, when they do it.  Or more than they already have.  Cool.  I don't care.  I need their dlc less than they need my money.  Further, bad fruit will poison the well.  Won't buy future games from them.

Though, for now?  I'll have too see if I can find a "recipe", for my 'toon.  I prefer to shoot and hack.  More hack, with shooting as a secondary, cover skill, and such.  Sniping, more than just shooting, if at all possible.  Sometimes it is what it is, you just have to do things on the fly.  Though, if you... have the skills, even in moments with no time, you... strangely... find time, sometimes, to still snipe.

What to do!?!

.

.

I have been sitting here, trying to wake.  Looking over other bloggers' output.  Looking through y.t., which seems to have worse than died.  All they are offering is stuff not worth even considering.  Considering beginning a new game, just to do... something... anything.  But I just don't have it in me.

The options are slim.  Sit here, in an insomniac state.  Go back to bed for a while.  Or start a new or old game.  Just deciding is excruciating, in some odd way.

Awake already.

.

.

Very early, considering bedtime.  Then again, not sure I'll stay up.  I think, from this morning, I understand groundhogs and their propensity to dive back into their hole after an initial look.  Though basing spring on that is a whole other human folly.  You... get what you pay for, I suppose.

I've been doing better, about holding pee until morning.  But last night was the first night of not going at all, until downstairs.  Still, I measured it.  A liter, just about exactly.  I do that so the stool doesn't get dirty as quickly.  Hey, it works.  Just rinse the liter and a bit thing out when you shower, or from time to time.

Late, but... okay.

.

.

I was so close to finishing the game, or so I thought.  And, I was.  If it took longer than anticipated.  I didn't realize how much was needed to finish the game.  In terms of supplies.  Now, I had all the supplies needed.  Just not all in one place.  My two bases were very distant, and as mentioned there was no solid fast travel options.

Further, I couldn't know what was going to be needed.  And had limited inventory when traveling.  So... so it took a... very much longer time than... anticipated.

Kidneys.

.

.

I was nervous to try those.  Looked up various suggestions about how to cook and serve them.  Then, had to look around quite a lot to find them.  Strange thing?  Found them the last place I looked, and would have looked.  My very own, daily driver, usual grocery store.

While doing a different order, I asked about kidneys, and I think some other things.  Liver?  For certain.  Maybe other things.  Now, they didn't have "other", but they did have kidneys and liver.  They have it in a special place.  With cow tongue and heart.  I would do heart and tongue, but those are so very expensive now!  When they were cheap cuts (too), I used to buy those.  No more.  Ugh.

Up a bit before noon.

.

.

Not ideal, in either direction.  It doesn't feel like enough sleep, and yet it is so late in the day that it's cut half the day gone before it started.  Stuck with it, for now.  If it will move along shortly?  Unless my schedule is stuck here for a while.  I never know.  And all my efforts often come to naught.

She's not happy.

.

.

I told her I was planning on selling and moving on.  She wasn't happy with just the thought, less so now.  Why though?  I can't take care of this place.  It should be in the hands of someone who can tend it.  But, that's... not what concerns her.

She does realize she could never live with me?  Right?  She does realize I can't afford an American wife, not a keeper.  Right?  And while, practically, too old to find a keeper wife, in another country that may not be the same.  And, in another country, I could afford a wife, and children.  Not here.

Sam is buried.

.

.

It didn't hurt as much as I thought.  I was... glad to see her where she rightly belongs.  Two mice with her, from traps and one Sassy killed but wouldn't eat.  Sam sure would have.  Had to dig a bit more, and get extra dirt, but... she is home.  I'll miss not being able to see her.  Strange as that is.  But it was, is, is past, time.

Then I got help with getting my phone sorted out.  I'll have to do some work with it.  But, for now, it will do.  I have numbers and such stored.  It was factory reset, then updated, then restored.  Any time they want to reset it, I'll factory strip and restore it.  Can't trust the c ck suckers.  They wonder why they are hated?  Eventually, they will get taken down for these things.  Here, soon, earth, hell.  It's... not an option.

Ugh.

.

.

Just a bit rough.  Up late.  The web crawling keeps crawling along.  Churning up old memories, old music.  I keep looking, seeing.  They couldn't be reading, and aren't really tabulating.  It's just... churning.  Clicking, then moving on.  Okay.  Probably.  Who ever knows, these days.  It's on an android though?  Very strange.

The internet stopped working last night, for me.  Which... got me to bed, finally.  I think around two, perhaps up to half after.  But I slept solid when I got there.

Some... thoughts.

.

.

Musical... thoughts.

Cold.

.

.

I was having a heck of a time today, and yesterday.  I thought it was around 70 in here, but no.  It's 66, 46 outside.  Raining.  But, snow on the peaks already?  Wow.  Winter is... coming.  Life will hit you fast, and this is so very fast, and hard.  So I turned the furnace on.  Wow.

Still going.

.

.

At over 21,000 views, the crawler crawls on.  Probably viewed every post still available.  And, who knows, maybe through echoes... posts that are no more.  The internet, sort of, if you know how, is forever.  Yes, I... stayed up later than wanted, watching what was unearthed in the process.  Beautiful, dark, strange?  Aye.  So be it.

Sleep, though, was excellent.  I have figured out, for now, the perfect arrangement for the house.  Closed downstairs, one window open upstairs but the rest closed, and one fan on medium low or low depending one my mood, needs, wants at any given moment.  That has worked for the last month or so.  No fans anywhere else.  Well, a fan in this front room, on very rare occasions.    But, by and large, for the most part, and other phrases and terms along those lines.  

That didn't go over well.

.

.

I called my brother a few days ago.  He didn't answer, usually doesn't.  Either he gets back to me or he doesn't.

He called tonight, but with business on his mind.  He said our mother was going to go, or was in the hospital.  But, he wasn't sure what was going on.  Wanted me to call the nursing home.  No problem.

A face from the past.

.

.

A woman.  No, not a lover, or even love interest.  Familial, of sorts.  But... judgmental, I think.  Most of her life she thought little of me.  As a general rule, but then when I became ill, she let her dislike rule.  And, if only behind my back, she ripped and shredded.  I knew.  I... see, have eyes, ears, reliable ones... I don't listen to idle gossip.  But... catching things others miss, and pick up some clues just by my nature.

I've got to stop doing that.

.

.

Following behind whatever is pecking through my post.  To see what is dug up, reviewing it.  As mentioned, I have posted well over 14k posts, half way to the next thousand or so.  I didn't read.  But, I was looking at old vids, entertaining what they meant then, and now.  As I sit and wait, for death or a second breath of some sort.  Can't seem to do more at the moment.

But, I am ending up staying awake very late into the night, until two or so.  Ugh.  And, yes, they might have clicked/viewed every post I posted.  Couldn't have read them, there is that.  And, yet, there were... responses, themes, at times.  Sometimes based on what I had posted, sometimes just as if sorted by ideas before, and plugged in to search for certain themes of the moment, or for a few hours.

Food, and more.

.

.

A steak was set up.  The grill/smoker was set to go as well.  Checking on the grill, then getting the pork in.  But, tracking the steak, getting the griddle warmed, then cooking that.  Two different timers, trying to keep things right.  Worked out, so far.  A steak is a good meal.  this one cost around... $5.50~$6.50.  An inch cut, but new york strip, so not wide and no bone, at $9.99 a pound.

I keep thinking of the economy of eating meats only.  Even steak, usually, since I often only eat a single steak, at most, a day.  Or add half to three quarts a pound of burger?  At most, I'm looking at $14 a day, for food, rounding up.  Not... including coffee and kefir.  I usually spend $100~$125 per month on dairy (depending on various things, if mostly how many weeks are in the month, or Saturdays really).  At four, it's usually around a hundred, at five one and a quarter.

Near a record.

.

.

At, currently, 14,020 views, and counting(?), since the 13th, someone has clicked on nearly every post I have.  Though, not every post.  Some were watched twice, or more.  Some were watched four to six times.  But at different times, over time, usually.  So, they must be going back to some of them?  It's got to be a web crawler, of some sort.  Just one with favorites?  Strange.  Well, and there is the usual thirty to fifty a day?  Maybe more, with the Mona Lisa type post.  That... garnered some attention.  More than almost any post I have posted in some time.

I was awake late, seeing... looking... watching.  Patterns did emerge.  I was surprised.  Whoever it was, is, behind it... is looking for at at things.  And responded to my post, as did y.t.  Against it's will, y.t.  But people can do that.  Much as cattle, in a fence.  If they get... startled, frightened, curious, or else, the fence won't hold.  So it is with y.t. and it's attempts to gatekeep.

Nudes, of the woman I loved.

.

.

Awake, not dead?

.

.

Oh, no... problem.  Just, some mornings I am surprised.  When I wake, and push through to stand.  Making it down to do a few things, while doing things, in preparation for doing what I can do through the day.  I partly spoke a prayer, I think, asking for help getting to dishes, and a shower.

Sassy was right there, but just asking for food.  Not first thing, today, but by eight or nine.  I thought about kefir, but... not until eight or nine.  Coffee, though, I'll have.  Without sweetener.  With potatoes used up, I can get back to keto.  And, next month, I won't be having my usual veggie cheats.  Just... stick to the grindstone for a while.  Carnivore, no sweeteners, just meet, heavy cream, and kefir.

Two meals today.

.

.

And kefir.  It's a warmer day.  Up to at least 78, if I think that was about it.  It's 72 in the cooler part of the house, 75 up here in front... at least near the computer.  Hmm, may take the jacket off now that I am thinking on it.  Getting warm.  The warmest it has been in... a week?  Which is why I was already calling it fall.

Wearing warmer clothing, and a jacket.  Enjoying the warmth, an unusual thing for me.  I wasn't quite ready for winter, or even a hard fall.  Hoping we have some warmth over time, just a bit more.

Eugenia is still alive?

.

.

Oh, a woman I... ran into.  And, lost track of since.  I was too busy dying myself to... follow another.  Not that I didn't care, or do?  But... I do.  I hadn't heard from, of, her in some time.  Still, a friend of sorts, once?  Or so I believed.  It sounds like the time is drawing nigh?

A good sleep, wake.

.

.

Down a bit late, 23:09 was the last time I saw, on the way up.  Always have to fuss...  Undress, put on sleeping clothes, set up the bed, get tucked in... or what passes for that, then on to sleep.  Sometimes that is fast, sometimes it's a dogs day and takes an hour.  It was quicker, last night.

Sleep was good.  I closed the windows, opening them this morning.  Just too cool to have them open at night these days.  No fans going, either.  Might turn one on tonight, but with windows closed.  On low.  Just... fresh air thing, I like that, sometimes even in dead winter.

Someone has been going through posts.  A lot of them.  I've been enjoying seeing some of the older ones.  Brings back memories.  Sad to see music gone, but... I'm surprised any music remains, to be honest.  Between this and that, legalities, illegalities, censorship, and such?

The powers that be want to burn the whole place down, but want to profit from it too.  You can't have your cake and eat it too.  And no one is buying the new stuff.  Even if they get rid of the old.  It just... doesn't matter.  Have to start making our own, like we did back when.  Keeps the gatekeepers and "influencer" out, doing it on our own.  Hmm... something to think about.  You want music?  Get the family together, around the piano, or guitar, fiddle, or flute, or better all.  A few for vocals.  Don't have to be great.  The pleasure is as much in the doing, and being a part of, as in the product.  Plus, you'll always know what will be sung.  Some new stuff, to try, now and again.  But, really, stick with the old songs, Christian songs, pleasant, good, right music.  What if I told you, when you get to heaven you will be singing.  As I have it, that will pretty much be how you communicate.  Even in purgatory.  Hell?  I would guess so, it's just that no one else will hear you?  I can't say that, for sure.  Thankfully, I don't think I saw hell.  Unless it was just darkness?  Dunno.

Well, thinking out loud, I guess.

I made coffee the pour through method.  I recently bought that, but haven't had fresh coffee to try it with.  Today was the day.  It's... okay.  I add, of course, cream.  But no sweetener this time.  Trying to pull back.  Though, why.  While I finish off potatoes from the first of the month.  Those should already be gone, but I... wasn't eating fast, much, often.  So they didn't get used up.  I like, early in the month, to eat some carbs.  Avoid actual sugars, and seed oils, but... carby foods, first of the month, to create a reset.  Don't want ketosis to get too deep.  Worry, about that, just a touch.  And, it's a treat.  

So, it doesn't matter if I add sweetener until those last two potatoes are gone.  Today and tomorrow, it is hoped.  Still, wanted to try it in the raw.  It's good.  Not as good as french press, but takes a lot more coffee grinds to get any real flavor.  So... I'll usually stick to the press, save this for days I don't want to fuss.

It seemed warm, when I stepped out to check.  But it is just at 50, here at 8:31.  I didn't check the low... or did I?  Was it 40, when I woke?  Actually, I think so.  I was just... not very awake, so... memory almost slipped.  While 40, and 50, aren't cold?  When the days only get to the low to mid 70s as a high, it is beginning to feel cold.  Long sleeved shirts and heavy pj bottoms, with socks and else, isn't enough.  I'll have to start wearing long johns with pants or pj's.  And, possibly, an undershirt and/or jacket on top.  And I will keep the furnace up, when... that is needed.  The world has changed.  I have changed.  I think I keep losing weight.

I am sure, when I become statically thinner, find some base weight, then get used to it, I'll handle the cool, cold, better again.  Until then, as I keep changing, losing my "padding", insulation, I... will be subject to cold spells.  On the good side, a shower, hot food, the furnace, a blanket, or other things, can really help.  Can't do much about the heat, even ac's are limited.  But, I have gotten to the point where heat is less of an issue, up to a point.  I would never have believed, from twenty to even two years ago.  Eating right makes a difference.

On to... my life.  Some gaming.  A second cup of coffee, if either french press or just dehydrated?  An easy cup, going with the latter.  Nice to have options though.  Oh... 6,649 visits this month!  Though, who ever really knows.

Almost bedtime.

.

.

A steak, for supper.  Half of one.  The other half is for tomorrow, I guess.  Thought I was hungry.  Was hungry.  But, not... that hungry?  Hunger just isn't what it used to be.  All good.  I don't mind that.  Thought about having burgers, too.  But started with food too late.  If I eat earlier in the day, sometimes a second meal can be had.

Dang, now I am hungry.  Just not hungry enough to make anything, or... do anything about it.  Sardines?  But not right before bed.  The... smell...  It's the smell.  I'll dream on an empty stomach.  But... comfortably.  Curious if that takes my dreams into dangerous territory.

Actually, fighting demons, or some of my other kin, isn't bothersome.  War isn't either.  It's... loving and losing, the hardest of ways.  Losing loved ones.  Those sorts of things.  Or, evil I can't do anything about, and those who can don't.  That can be rough.  Even fighting with one of my past women is... more... a pleasant memory.  Even if it was a heck of a row in the day.  Though, to be honest, I enjoy those things even in the moment most of the time.  Which makes it so I really can't lose.  Way to thick skinned for most women to get me.  Even when they get me, it... just tickles.

Besides, I know women are fighting, half the time or more, for sex.  The lead in, or post-processing thing.  It makes it more interesting for them.  Trying to jump ahead doesn't work, though.  They want a full head of steam going into the tunnel.  :p

No work today, but I keep thinking on it.  I'll... get there.  So cool!  It was 68 by 19:00 tonight, 70 by 18:00.  I think the warmest I saw it was 74?  Crazy.  Couldn't have gotten too much warmer.  And I am cold!  Wearing official clothing, and I am cold?  Went through a few frigid moments.  Hot coffee helped, a small bit.  Not not really, too.  I'm wearing a long sleeve t-shirt, to boot.  Shoes and socks, yes.  My fingers and toes actually hurt, a bit, for the cool.

It's... coming.  Fast.  Hard.  That ain't fall in the air, that is winter.

I called my mother today.  She is having troubles.  Pulled her rib, or such.  I... know what she is talking about.  Rolled wrong, or lifted at the wrong angle, or... something.  Probably didn't realize it at the time, thought she had it.  So, if you would, a small prayer would be appreciated.  Her name is spelled m-o-m.  :p  But you could call her Geri.  :)  Look, like me or not, she is eighty, in a nursing home, and doing her best.  Don't do it, or not do it, for me.  Actually, you are doing it for yourself.  But... that's a whole other thing.

I'll get medicine tonight.  Got it this morning.  As well, got the fresh coffee.  I have to admit, it's... not as good as I remember.  The french press was ready.  An easy go.  I've tried regular coffee strength, and a triple shot of the stuff.  I couldn't tell the difference.  I had one of each type, back to back, to compare.  And, I'm telling you, there isn't much difference between freeze dried (if I mix several brands to even each of their weaknesses and bolster their strengths) and fresh ground.  I was... a bit appalled.  Then again, price difference?  There isn't much.  I wonder if the beans in the store are... dated, just not purchased often, not rotated through as it should be?  But it seems fresh?  Dunno.

One of the people I spoke with, yesterday, sort of impressed me.  I don't think she likes me, but that doesn't bother me much.  I... don't expect it, or need that.  She told me how long she has been married, though, in our talks.  I don't think I pleased her with my response.  But it's true, she has been married, give or take, longer than I have been alive.  

They were in their twenties.  Her husband is a bit older, and is now 80.  Doesn't have strength, for some things.  But can still drive the equipment.  Though she believes he'd rather not.  Has to?  No sons, or not enough, to take over?  Not sure.  Didn't want to push.  She usually talks to me, when I go to those things.  But I still think she doesn't like me.  That's... most of my relationships, even with women I have lived with.  Ha!  I don't know, but I have to laugh.  Women DON'T like me.  Hell, my mother doesn't even like me.  But, that... isn't what I need from women.  Kin to kissing, it's not about friendship.  Or even civility.  Just... had to laugh, thinking back.

Still, I... would not have guessed her age.  She has me by twenty years, give or take a few, and doesn't really look it.  Feeling, probably.  Always... tired... as we age.  That just becomes more and more profound.  Speaking with my mother, I could sense it with her.  Life is hard.  She is... becoming very tired.  I think she is more tired than even I.  The rubric has been crossed.  Age is harsh.  In this case, harsher than even seriously poor health.

Anyway, it's about bedtime.  Sleep well.  See you tomorrow.  God willing.

I made it out last night.

.

.

Dinner invitation accepted.  As well, I saw a few new and old faces, spoke with them.  One was just a young man when I moved here.  They were just having a baby.  The baby... is now 7 1/2?  9 1/2?  Yes, time... flies.  Beautiful girl.  Everything a man would want from a daughter.  I make the wife nervous, but then my size really... is...  I am quite large.  And a stranger.  

I just try to be... very... gentle around such small fearful feminine types.  Actually, I generally try to present as sound and humble around most folk.  If we need to zoom, we can do that, but from the basis of peacefulness as the first option.  I can take even a few sucker punches, even now, without a sweat.

That went smoothly.

.

.

Mostly.  I was able to sleep on my favored side, and with less of a problem than on the good side the night before.  More fluid is helping.  I did do medicines, yesterday, save a full dose of the water pill.  For a bit, I'll just take one.  Feel the need to take something, as the extra fluid was showing up in my feet.  Gah!  Try as one might, eh?

I will be trying to cut sweeteners again.  That gets out of hand, from time to time.  And, before I know it, it's become a problem again.  Creatures of habit, and stress makes self-control... difficult to nigh on impossible.  For me to be sure.  On the good side, blood sugar dropped forty points from yesterday, and is back under 200.  Fine, 187.  I haven't been writing it because it's been right at or more... if the highest, yesterday, was 227.  Weekly average is back up to 189.  Bleh.

Can't quite sleep.

.

.

Just too many things today.  I made some mistakes, but who keeps a receipt email that long?  Usually I do, but... when they started saying it was on the way, just delayed?  I relaxed.  Tossed the receipt.  Didn't know I wouldn't be able to access it anywhere after that.  Used to be I could go online, to their site, and find it.

Strangely, later, after the mess, I was able to access it.  I wonder if their web site goes down for some, or no known, reason, from time to time?  I couldn't access my order, to check whether I was being dealt with fairly.  Had to go by what they were pricing it at today.  Who would have guessed that doubled in price?  Though, I can see why the rest of the order "got lost".

What a nightmare!

.

.

Okay, the $121 rebate was... in the end... fair.  Okay.  But, I didn't have the original invoice, and couldn't connect online.  Their e-store wasn't allowing me to check my account.  So, I did the next best thing, looked up the product and calculated the price.

By THAT, I would have spent $290.  As it turns out, they just recently jacked the price up, must have nearly doubled the price.  Which... also explains why I didn't get the rest of the packages.  They sold them back, at the higher price.  Amazon does that sometimes.  If the price goes up, for some strange demand?  They'll pull shipments on the way.  It's just how they do it.

Retards.

.

.

Calling in to Home Depot's online sales service is like speaking with dumb and dumber, on drugs.  Can't count, don't understand, nothing.  The email I received said everything was delivered.  They are saying it was supposed to say eight of the ten packages were received (but only four were).  As well, they are saying everything that actually arrived, arrived in one package, but it was two packages.

The woman I am speaking with... can't count.  Doesn't seem able to add.  I'm... not sure what she can do.  I have been put on hold twice.  While she?  Looks things up?  Talks to someone who can add, subtract, think, do?  Why is she there.  Ah, it's obvious why she is there.  I'll tell you, after this, I won't do this sort of work with Home Depot.  They are incapable of delivering goods.  Probably more shrink, from the inside.

Feeling better.

.

.

Not the best, better.  Better than earlier, far better than yesterday.  Still pretty rough.  All good.

It is just hitting 60 outside, at 9:39 local time.  Definitely cool.  Fall, what else can I say.  It's looking to be trying to arrive early.  All good.  I'm enjoying the moderate weather.  Even here, near the computer, it is just now 69 F.  What a flirty number.

A spooky sleep?

.

.

Yes.  I thought things were going well.  I went up got into bed, and... it hurt.  All along the centerline of my torso.  Remember when I suggested my neck hurt, as if an artery was having trouble, or as if an infection was in there?  Well, that became the centerline of my torso.  Something really hurt in there.  Laying on the right side was impossible.  The left side I could mostly tolerate.  Didn't try my back, seemed worse when rolling over.  Can't sleep on my belly.  So... The left it was.

I had some trouble getting to sleep.  I was half expecting something really bad to happen.  Death, or some event leading to it.  Over time, between fear fading, and sleep overtaking me, I went on to sleep.  Slept rather well.  Dreamed, of talking to people.  Lots and lots of people.  People I am pretty sure are dead, some from long ago and I just don't know, and people who are living for almost certain, and live nearby.  I caught myself talking out loud, a time or two.  Had to chuckle.

Better.

.

.

A lot better.  I wasn't sure things would improve.  I was hoping for some improvement, but... the type of hope that doesn't... mean much.  The type of hope for the hopeless events.  I figured, if things improved, it would take... a while.  Sometimes even that sort of hope helps out?  Well, that, and attending what I suspected was wrong.

I have only been able to have two extra bottles of water today.  It's what I could do.  And while things have greatly improved, I am still in a bit of a fragile state.  Bending over, say to put Sassy's food down?  Still feels like my heart is going to fall out of a pocket, or some such.  And, a deep breath still reminds me, that deep down in, it still hurts.

Someone is... digging.

.

.

Pointing, thinking, saying.  Okay.  But, yes, I noticed.  You... definitely got my attention.  I am never sure if you mock, ridicule, approve, hate, or... some mix.

I... don't care.  I do enjoy the... memories.  Have to suspect you... dream evil, for my life.  Real or not, I suspect you... believe.  Approve?  I... see you.

Really rough.

.

.

Too rough.  I won't take my heart medicine today.  Whatever it is, I overdid some things.  I'll... back off, a day, two?  As needed.  Something is terribly wrong.  Not... a health issue, directly.  External factors.  Extra fluid going in.  I won't drink excessively, just... a bit extra.  An extra, say, three twenty ounce bottles through the day?  I think I had gotten down to drinking a quart of kefir through the day, and two of coffee.  Usually I drink three to six bottles (or the equivalent, as I drink r.o. water too) a day.  But, lately, I haven't been doing that.  Just... not thirsty.

And I am paying a serious price for it.  Between lower consumption and taking the pills.  Oh, but I'm not even taking new pills?  I can't find them in the package.  So using stuff from... 2021 or 2022?  I hope they are that fresh.  Ugh.

Dehydrated.

.

.

Taking medicines as I should, even a little lightly.  In my opinion.  But that was the doctor's call and I didn't want to fight on that particular point.  So, two per day.  Which, often, isn't enough.  However, with the weather hitting 70~73 inside, pretty much always, I have been drinking less.  A lot less.

It's 45 out there, give or take.

I wasn't adding the things up.  Didn't notice, until a few days ago.  Minor complaints.  Wasn't sure the cause.  Mild enough it could be anything.  A sore throat, along the length of the neck.  Some internal discomfort.  The heart being a bit odd, rough.  Was cramping, but taking the minerals helped with that.

Looking for the stupid phone!

.

.

I looked upstairs, in my pants... the cargo pocket on my right side is usually where it would be.  Then, down by my bed.  I looked through bed.  I toss it there, when going to bed.  Then, usually, hook it to the charger there and then.  Nope.  Bathroom?  Sometimes, when I am in there, if I have it in hand, and don't have pockets, I set it in the top drawer.  Nope!

My health watch has a way to connect with it.  So I tried that.  No, said it wasn't connected?  Should have been.  Was yesterday?  Annoying.  I was about to text my friend, ask him to check the truck tonight.  Then I started thinking back.  What was I wearing last night?

Up, but bodily grumpy?

.

.

Up for an hour, ten, and change.  Neck, shoulders, back all sort of rusty... grumpy as I put it in the title.  Not really painful, just... catching, one on the others, and difficult to move quickly.  I'll work through it through the day.  It's all good.  Pretty tired still, too.  I think I was down right before midnight.  Still, I suppose that was a short sleep.  And, yesterday was long and heavy.  All good.

It was 42 out, first thing.  The sun wasn't over the mountains yet?  Not even close.  Yes, it's that time of year.  Sneaks up on a guy, from time to time.  Still, I love these things.  It had almost warmed a degree.  Wasn't sure if it would drop or rise yet.  I'm not sure it's a fifty fifty thing, but probably closer to that than anything else that would be easily written.

Sassy was fed, first thing.  He litter cleared.  She rarely has a stinking poo, but this morning was one of them.  We all have our days.  Gaming, next.  I'd like to get another shower through the day.  Then do the dishes.  Perhaps start some laundry?  Not much else.  Just too tired, sleepy, and exhausted.  Some days I can pull things out without costs, some days I can't.  Still, good to push things from time to time.

On to some gaming, I think.  To try to get the brain working.  Medicine is in, down.  And mineral extras today.  I think I missed medicine last night, for good or ill.  It happens.  On with the day.

Caught up with the young man.

.

.

Married, now.  Living out on their own.  Working two to three jobs at a time.  One more than full time, the others when he has time, or on certain odd schedules... Four jobs, actually.  He hasn't slowed down a bit.  Wife doesn't always like it, but... it... is... good for them.

I told him things when he was young, about women.  I am all but certain he thought I was a sex maniac, or fiend.  Now that he has married?  He laughs, and... learned.  It's... not all that bad.  He was thirteen, and would have figured women out soon enough anyway.  I... may have taught him a thing or three.  *grins*  Though he is learning some things on his own.  I just... like hearing the stories of life.  Sounds like married life is... what it is, for good and ill.  I am pleased he is... there.

Noon thirty.

.

.

Not much else, yet.  But about to hit things.  Sassy was fed, the grill has been started... for eggs and hashed browns.  I'll finish up the flatware, then remove those and shower.  The shower after breakfast.

I did get kefir switched over.  Fresh jars, for the refrigerator.  After the rest of the dishes, the next time I change that out, I'll redo the fermenting jars too.  I have been keeping up on it well enough that those fermenting jars have lasted well, without getting too funky.  As well, I pulled some of the excess grains, and froze them.  I'd like to have three batches frozen, then switch a jar or two out every few months.  But do it while I am using the old, so that I don't have to drink kefir from that.  Then, just switch in the new, for whichever of the old smells the most funky.

Okay? Well, sure!

.

.

Trash and recycling, after browsing the web in rest mode after the first shot at things.  Cat litter cleared, Sassy fed, kefir consumed.  Good, a night shot.  Coffee made, but I need to go get that.  Not bad.  I wasn't sure anything would be done.  And before seven, got it by six thirty.  Worried, mostly, about the trash and recycling getting out in time.  But out it is, and in time.

Yes, coffee, and medicine.  Soaking my kefir jar.  I don't wash that every time, as with my coffee jar.  But I do like to soak the kefir, in the hottest water the hottest water heater setting will allow.  That... cleans out any organic, especially when just left to soak, maybe rinsed and done again if needed.  Coffee cup?

Awake, and getting to things?

.

.

Well, I started quickly.  I cleared and dishes, setting them aside for now.  I'll rinse them after a shower.  Washing the freezertop as I was doing that, and putting flatware in, to be soaked, then washed a first round as I go to take a shower.  I was making plans as I woke.  Dishes, a shower, brushing teeth, and trash to go out.  For chores, Sassy will get fed shortly, her litter reset, fresh water set out.

I give her a bowl that has five cups in it.  She only, ever, at most, drinks one to two cups.  Then, what is left, must be too tainted for her.  Backwash, and whatnot.  Just the way of it.  But, since I started changing water daily, she is keeping herself much cleaner.  I don't fully understand all things cats, but I will work with her.

Pretty much nothing?

.

.

Mostly.  I did feed Sassy, changed her water, cleared and reset her litter boxes.  I just haven't been able to do much more.

It has been thundering, much of the day?  Or... something.  Then, it started rumbling extra loud.  Then rain?  It was eighty, last time I checked, an hour or so ago?  Give or take.  Not tracking things well today, which is fine.  It's one of those days.  Anyway, I got out and checked.  Yes, it's raining.  And wow is that rain cold!  Plus, it was down to 64!  That was quite a drop!  All good.

Not much.

.

.

It's 76 out there, at almost 11:30.  Not cold, by any means, just... cooler.  Cooler by the day, with little spikes from time to time.

Looking out there, it feels more like living in the old West than living in modern times.  Not a bad thing, mind you.  Almost get the sense of little house on the prairie, or the notes of a retired mountain man, finishing his days in some valley he used to hunt beaver, deer, elk, bear, and else.  I do like it here.  Even if I don't belong to those worlds.

Up!

.

.

Can't be sure when I went to bed.  I think it was around 16:00.  With the last post being around 15:30, or so, it's possible.  I was cooked, from this and that, when going to bed.  It was a longer day yesterday.  More going on that I have done in weeks, even months seemingly, combined.

A success.  All good.  I didn't get it all, but I got a good lot of things.  Dishes, first thing this morning.  Well, trimming my whiskers before even that.  And a shower after, then setting up the dishes to a rinse.  Oh, from the meal yesterday, I need to clean the freezertop off again.  Bleh.  But, fine.