Had hoped.

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The plan was to push through the night, staying awake to at least get to the dairy.  Nothing else.  But that... just can't happen.  The dairy, I don't think, would have been legitimately open yet.  But I am crashing so hard just going upstairs is proving difficult.

I could try for later.  If I wake early enough.  Though, if the cows are still partly or fully dry, might not be anything left.  It sucks to be a cripple at times.  I... just want to go.  And... I can't.  Ugh.

I keep looking at new vehicles.

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Oh, not looking for a great deal.  They could cut the price by seventy percent and I wouldn't buy a new vehicle.  Truck, SUV, car (if... they still make cars?), there isn't anything available, that I am aware of, which is worth buying.  From infotainment to data collection to recalls (and recalls that aren't happening but should be) to failures of manufacturers to honor their contractual obligations to service warantees.

No, what I am looking for is a change in the process.  To be honest, it looks like manufacturers were given an offer they couldn't refuse.  Basically, they can still make, and sell, automobiles.  But they have to be of extremely low quality, irreparable, and exceedingly expensive.  Just disposable toys for the rich.

Only to 68 today.

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It didn't even reach 71 out there, only hitting 68.  Which is a twenty five to seven degree reduction from their prediction from the very day before.  As well, it rained for at least four hours.  How much I haven't heard, didn't see.  But if they suggest less than two inches, it's bogus reporting.  Mind you, in a normal year, 365 days, we only receive nine to thirteen inches... if most of it arrives in this time of the year.  Still, that's a lot of rain on a single day.

On another matter, mother didn't eat all of the rice and chicken.  I searched the fridge.  She must have left it out?  I hadn't checked pots or pans.  Not much better, though.  As now I won't eat, possibly bad, food.  *shrug*

Strange weather.

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Talking about the weather?  Well... it went from nearly one hundred, for a bit over a month, then took a breather or two into the mid eighties.  Went back up, and looked to be holding in the mid nineties for the foreseeable future.  Then, out of the blue, the high today is set to be 71?

I initially thought the forecast was a mistake, or even a joke.  Looking out, just out?  It looks like a storm moved in.  A massive one.  And it is raining.  Still, that is a massive change to... everything.  Rarely does the rainy season hit so hard or get so cool so fast.

Remnant II: Better

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Only on the easiest mode, still solo.  I have everything leveled, and have found enough items which, paired with skills and weapon mods, can focus enough survival capacity with dps to make the game, mostly, playable.  At least against bosses in which a grounded, limited by terrain, attack dog can reach.

So... there are limits.  However, I am working on rough drafting a 'toon, with the right classes, gear, weapons, and else, for flying bosses and enemies, and for over, through, or around terrain limits.  I wish the game had several arrangements that could be set up, in a template, then automatically switch all and everything, with a toggle.  Maybe it's in there?  I haven't found presets.  So, for now, I have to write out the lists and reset everything manually.

A bit of shopping.

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With it looking like mom is really heading out, I am beginning to restock.  Not... everything I used to carry.  But a few items I still want on hand, things she burned through, gifted away, sold?  Paper plates, paper towels, and a few such items.  She'll get a starer kit, but no more.  And, much, I am having her buy.  I'll just fill out her kit, a bit, to start.

I am teaching her to buy in bulk.  Much cheaper.  And I will keep a small larder for her here.  NOT to be confused with my goods!  You can buy a case of tp for $33.  With enough for six months to a year (for me).  While a small supply at the store, a sixth that amount, costs half that much... or close.  Paper plates, too.  Far cheaper in larger amounts.  Women have completely forgotten home economics.

I caught it!

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It never shows, in the forecast.  It doesn't remain in the record.  But it might appear in the reading feed.  It did last night.

Scheduled to cook a few degrees an hour, from the high to 60ish in the early dark.  It was doing that, until it didn't.  It spiked from 68 I think I saw it, to 77!  And stayed hot, really, for several hours.  It then started coming back down.

Heat exhaustion.

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Though, really, most of the summer has been good.  Hot.  Even extra hot this year.  But sufferable.  Until recently.  Technically, the temps are slightly cooler than much of the season to date.  Humidity, or dew point as you might prefer, is low.  Maybe not down to seven percent, but that is a fluke on it's own.  In the twenties to thirties, percentages.

I honestly don't think it is heat exhaustion though.  I think it is the type l, and... level or time, of the heat.  While it isn't climbing into the high nineties or low hundreds, it is staying warm day and night.  The night does cool.  It just doesn't have any affect on the house.  And it doesn't cool as much or until later.

Still not great.

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Better.  The constant ache left sometime last evening.  Strangely, I didn't sense it leave.  Was I gaming?  I suspect so, distracted.  There is still a milder soreness in the area, but easily relieved through various positionings.  Only noted when I either think about it or leave it in a wrong position for too long, if the right and wrong placements seem to both be moving targets, sometimes one becoming the other.  Still, I mostly consider to ignore the pain. 

Gaming.  If i am so burned out on gaming, specifically such a complex game.  But it is something, something I can do.  Since I can't do much else, or even sleep more, I game.

Remnant II: Current Status

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I started a new character.  Making sure to start with, and maintaining, a class with summons... or a dog.  The same thing, mostly.  Then I started leveling, first the summoner.  Then tried adding the handler (for the dog).  With both of those, the game was much easier.   At least to the levels I have achieved in the various measures.

However, I have moved on, in the secondary 'toon.  Leveling other classes.  And difficulty increased.  However, with my main character, with all alt classes (at least available to my game update status), I may just go to the dual dog/else summon class and see if that allows better play.

The good with the bad.

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My feet, the knuckles, else, are finally better.  I can mostly walk carefree.  If... I still keep an eye to things, and pray for protection against curses.  Adding that such be returned to sender as the divine actors see fit.  So, there is that.  Now, however, I have regular cramping in the upper ankle area.

That, though, I may have inadvertently caused myself.  I haven't been taking meds.  I feared a fluid buildup, so took a larger dose of waterpills than is the norm.  If I have a buildup, that opens things up and clears the backlog.  If I don't have a buildup, I can dump electrolytes and else, making cramps a high likelihood.  It turns it was the latter.

Hot.

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No hotter, according to the thermometer and my preferred weather source.  It didn't cool much last night, if even that isn't unusual.  What is different is how I feel, subjectively?  Or is there something else to it.  Humidity?  Atmospheric pressure changes?  Blood sugar riding high?  I feel hot.  May just be heat exhaustion.  It can wear me out after a while.

I remembered to get trash and recycling out.  Not sure it is recycling pickup today.  But most neighbors have it out, so I gambled they were likely more correct.  Not all that full, if in part it is the point, process, than else.

I keep dreaming of being murdered.  Not predictive, at this point.  Just... the fuss writ larger.  Rough deaths, but if I must die hard, I prefer extra hard.  As with real life though, rough doesn't mean fast.  Hell, draino took eighteen hours of gut fire to kill me, even then it was pain exhaustion not physical damage, and I didn't stay dead.  So, yeah, if I go, I'll fight to live, even if it hurts like hell.

So tired.  Couldn't sleep.  Still almost can't?  Will try.  Good night. 

Remnant II: part III

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Difficult?  More a game built for coop.  Not a multiplayer thing, in the broader sense.  Made for a group of friends, or larger pool of associates, to team up.  While solo play is allowed, and sometimes doable, it really isn't a solo game.

Once you suffer enough, level certain classes, learn a few tricks to overlevel while that is still possible, it almost seems good.  Then the next major area is rough again.  At some point, unless you are an absolute masochist nerd type?  You will hit limits.

Better, but cautious.

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I was, roughly, led to believe she would be leaving this month.  Over time, it came out that it will be a month, or two.  Maybe sooner, as some may be moving.  And their apartments, if they go, are move-in ready. 

She was going to skip paying rent here, which doesn't even cover her food and extra utilities.  And thought I would still pay her rent and utilities there.  No.  I nipped that right in the bud.  Demanding rent, storage fee (it's for her stuff), and a few things she bought through amazon last month.  Oh, and nothing gets ordered, through amazon for her, without cash (or a check) up front.  Her memory is extremely selective.

Late is the hour.

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It is 14:16, as I write.  So very late.  I have been awake for an half hour, maybe an hour?  Perhaps up to an half hour more.  Can't be sure.  Reviewing tactics on some boss fights.  Reviewing new to me tunes, and some old.  Exploring other vids, eliminating the dei submissions as soon as a poc or deviants appear.  Especially where they absolutely don't belong.

Sometimes you can find something not completely intellectually, culturally, or racially smattered, or whole, shit.  Rare, but it happens.  Just... don't bother combining notions of Spartans with black African.  Or high IQ traits with exceptions (which probably don't even exist in the way suggested).  Your... taint is showing.

Not bad.

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To town, a bit of grocery shopping.  Mother did other shopping.  She bought scent dispersing devices.  One for me.  In spite of having told her a dozen dozen times that I don't use that type, or even want the toxic trash in my home.  If I want to spiffy up, odor wise, I use a soapstone and bee's wax candle essence disperser.  Whether fruit, floral, or ancient traditional essences, such as myrrh, sandalwood, frankincense, and the like. 

I went easy on her.  But had to refuse the offer.

Cold!

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Here at 10:32, it is still only up to 68 today.  I had sensed cold was on the way.  Usually my indicators, when correct, means a few days to weeks from happening.  This was almost an immediate cooling.  Of course, my prognosticators are rarely dated.  Just... not usually an immediate thing.  I was going to post about my signal, didn't get the chance.

In the house, it was 75.  After closing everything up and turning off the fans.  That doesn't sound cold, but I live nearly a mile up, and it had been 80 for the last month, as a low for indoors.  So... yes, cold.  Which is making it impossible for me to wake up!  Ugh.

On back to sleep for a bit.  Is winter early, just fall?  Or a... moment of cool?  Later.

Trying to wake.

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I can't remember when I went to bed.  Before 22:00, I think.  I slept well, warmly, and neither of my feet were hurt (further) during the night.  I did have to remove the socks at some, probably very early, hour.   And, cautiously cool the feet a few times.  I have to be careful with those operations.  To make sure I am not trying to kick or push through wrapped blankets, or that they get so cold so fast that they cramp.

Yes, protection prayers continue as well.  Because I have never been conscious when greater damage occurs, so I honestly don't know the literal cause(s).  My feet have simply become delicate, damaged things.  I take as much care as I am able.  Irreplaceable, and required for simple mobility.

She found a place.

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It sounds like she is in, or thereabouts.  Absolutely currently, they only have one place open, but it needs painted and cleaning.  So, until that is done, she won't be able to move in.  Which is fine.  I am surprised she found a place.  Oh.  She can keep Jasmine.  Oh, but several are scheduling a move out, so something may open sooner.

We had a short but pleasant conversation.  I told her, if she is pleasant on the way out, I would set her up.  Food from my pantry, her bedroom items, toiletries to start her out, that sort of thing.  No problem.

Remnant II, part II

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A whole aspect of the game I have not, and didn't before, delve into.  Is that handicapping me?  The problem is, it is exceedingly complex.  And requires backing up the game before beginning.  Or risking losing large amounts of precious and scant resources.  This game is excessively brutal with resources.

I suppose, before even starting in on that, I will need to create a backup system, or two.  I wanted to do that for another game, as well, anyway.  Before doing some experimenting there, too.  So, that is my first task.

I continue to see it.

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I continue to laugh.  Here, there, everywhere.  In China, women are lowering their standards yet remain unable to find a husband.  In the US, women can't find eligible bachelors, or even get laid if you can believe that.  In Europe, the club scene is full of forlorn human female cats, looking for free milk.  Dead, even Japan, Korea, most places. 

I have to admit, the problem, in China, wasn't necessarily their standards.  Raising a family is outrageously expensive.  The real problem is the feminization of politics and the work force.  More employees in the pool?  Lower wages.  Even high earners struggle affording a wife when men get pay cuts and still have to do twice the job, actually doing their jobs, plus the real work women don't and can't actually do.

Up, early?

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I suppose, in one sense.  It was just after seven when I woke, a quarter after as I write.  Trying to, deciding if it is time to, wake up.  On the other hand, I think I went down before 22:00?  So it was a longer sleep.  Or, at least, not an early wake in that sense.  Maybe down closer to 20:00?  Maybe.

Just one ac going up here lately.  I am up during the day.  And it is cool at night.  Today is only supposed to reach 88 out there.  It should be ten degrees cooler in here, maybe lower.  It is currently 51 outside.  I think it was supposed to get down to 46 last night, though the forecasting simply isn't accurate enough for any real certainty.  And they don't always revise according to facts on the ground, even the ones they are reporting.  It would be nice for them to just admit it's a bad guess and quit trying to suggest they know, pretty much anything.

Remnant II

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Okay, a review.  A first review.  Based on both my new start of the game, and memory of previous sessions.  I will rehash this game, as I attempt to sort it.

Complexity.  Did I mention that.  Right.  From figuring out how to make a giant crow move, by triggering something some distance away, to figuring out how to even kill some mini bosses (one can only be killed by shooting the bombs he throws at you... but he only throws those at some distance away, and those can only be shot in direct line of sight with him directly in front of you, among possibly other requirements).

Cool, almost cold.

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The weather site I use is saying it is 85, and that will be the high.  Inside is reading 78.  Fans are going, as usual.  Just one ac going upstairs and one in mom's room.  The high wool socks, plus pj bottoms, the warm winter ones, and a thicker T-shirt on.  No matter.  I am chilly.  I am at least turning the fan down.

Mother wanted to talk.  No.  I just got up.  She said she has called around, couldn't find a place.  We will talk, tomorrow.  She will go, somewhere.  I will begin looking too.  If I have to have the courts help her get somewhere, I'll do that.  She can't stay.  I'm selling as soon as I get a decent bid, for one thing.

It's been a while.

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Too much stress, health is poor, more.  A shower, finally, tonight.  Those are glorious, especially if it has been... a while.  It has been... a while.  What amazes me is how little dirt there is to scrub off.  Do I smell terrible?  I don't smell it, but who does smell themselves, good, bad, even perfumed? When I use aftershave, I can't smell it after, say, half an hour. 

So tired.  But clean.  Good night.

A new old game.

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Trying to hit Remnant II.  Am hitting it.  Not... terribly successfully.  Yes, a Souls-like.  But one which, mostly, in my estimation, doesn't cheat.  The opponents are legitimately overpowered.  But the game doesn't, otherwise, limit success through bogus mechanics.  Mostly.  I think.

Now, it will always have you underpowered.  You can't level out of it, improve your gear on the side, or any real trick, save one.  As you level your 'toon, the environment levels with it.  Gear leveling is also counted.

Again with the attempt at bullying.

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You are taking me in to town tomorrow, right.  Said in a booming aggressive voice.  Again, I told her, she needs to call around.  I won't just drive willy nilly wherever she might please.  Second, she has to pay for gas.  And, finally, she has to ask nicely.  She paid for gas, last month.  And didn't go anywhere.

Uhm, wrong.  She put twenty in the tank, was driven to the various stores often several times a week.  And a fill is eighty bucks, depending on the day.  I filled twice or so.  Two and a half times?  Trust me, I don't go to town that often.  My auto has bill will go way down.  So, no.  I didn't even bother with that, was still quite sore about her cutting her debt by $350 after having been forgiven $250.  So, no, she didn't pay for gas last month.

Up?

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I think so.  Late, though.  It is nearing 11:00.  Okay.  The foot, both of them, feel better this morning.  Though I am pretty sure I will still be limping.  On the left foot.  Ginger treatment, wearing thicker socks, and putting on shoes.  Though I still think... realizing I was under attack, and changing a few things, may have helped.

Would mother have hurt me?  I think it's possible.  But only if she believed she could completely and absolutely not get caught.  If there was even the slightest chance of getting caught, she wouldn't take the risk.  She, about some things, is not brave.  Thankfully for everyone.

Choices.

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She has come to the understanding that staying isn't an option.  Still, she thinks she will bully me into doing what she wants, when she wants, how she wants.  And she is absolutely wrong.  Currently, her intention is to have me drive her all over town.  Looking for a place?  Checking rental assistance?  Places?  Institutions?

No.  Absolutely not.  Drive with her phone.  Narrow possibilities to a few.  THEN ASK NICELY.  Pay gas.  I'm not going to be bullied into anything.  She continues this line, she'll end up negotiating her ouster with a sheriff.  I'm not putting up with even an ounce more from her.

The foot got worse.

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Just the one that was already hurting.  That after being careful with it, tending the possible causes or contributers to the problem.  The reason I think, sometimes, that the cause is a person or force?  Because it only worsens when I am asleep.  The ache never intensifies while I am awake.

Only when I am nicely tucked into bed.  Not while walking on it (them), or standing on it, or being more active.  Now, part of the reason I suggest force, as opposed to person?  Because I have things blocking the path up.  Blocking the stairs.  Not impossible to get through.  But, very difficult to replace in the order I arrange things, from the far side, once having gotten things moved to enter.

What if I don't want to leave?

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It actually started with a different question.  Asked why I don't interact with Jasmine (feed her), first?  It is her dog.  Second, when she goes, Jasmine goes, one way or the other.  Oh, she assured me, she will be taking her.  if so, I feel sorry for the dog.  It will be poorly fed and poorly treated.

Later, she asked the title question.  I just said that isn't optional.  And that we would discuss this on the third or more like fourth.  When we will see if she is paying anything this month.  If not, some immediate changes will occur, including the loss of AC in her room.  And she will be expected to be out by the first.

Better, still not good.

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The foot.  I can walk on it, almost normally.  Just not without pain.  A whince with every step, like socialism's promise of a chicken for every pot.  Only, this promise is kept.  Still, much better.  I can distract from the pain with gaming, even sleep through, the now milder but yet ever present aches.

It's not just the knuckle of the big toe.  That is merely what screams the loudest in agony at the worst of it.  Other bones, even several in the ankle, all hurt too.  As the toe joint settles, and I psychically explore the pain, taking inventory, as I try to sort it, this is what I am finding.

Awake and better.

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I woke several times through the night.  Checking on the foot.  Seeing if it still hurt, making sure it hadn't become entangled in blankets, as well, checking on the other foot.  Keeping them warm enough, too, without making them too hot.  What a lot of work, if worth it compared to the options.

Doing well, so far.  I haven't gotten literally up, out of bed, onto my feet.  So that will be the actual test.  Socks, thick wool, on and off through the night.  More and fewer blankets, as needed.  Tended, well tended, as possible.

Intense pain.

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I tried to sleep through it.  I did, a bit.  Not well, not for long.  I could feel the deep, hard, throbbing aches even while asleep.  I finally surrendered, hobbled down the stairs, into the kitchen, and found my strongest painpills.  Almost surprised the glutton hadn't consumed them all.  Most of them, but there is a dose or four remaining.  I sure hope they help. 

I have been ginger with rolling in bed, careful to not extend, twist, or kick into the mattress.  I... sometimes sleep hard.  YOU fight with demons, djinn, and else in your dreams, you'll understand.  I don't even always win, or even survive.  But I get extra playtime for giving it more than is humanly possible.  I guess. 

That left foot!

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It hurts, and worse than the right foot ever did, this time around.  Part of it may be excess fluid.  So I am hitting that pretty hard.  Too, it may be that it is cold.  You would think, in the low 80s, I could go without socks.  But, no, it seems.  Shorts and a muscle shirt are fine.  PJ bottoms are too much.  But, yes, socks. Not white gym socks, but knee high wool hunting socks.  So be it. 

As well, I am being careful when sleeping.  I still wonder if someone or something twists that in my deeper sleep.  I had a pile of neatly stacked boxes tumble over the other night, up here.  I am certain that stack was stable.  And, I have heard scurrying, but with light on the area and an immediate search, absolutely nothing was found or seen.  And the sound continued while I searched... visually.  Wasn't willing to put my hand down near the sounds.

Not going to play.

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The Lies of P, without updating it anyway, isn't worth playing.  Now, both of my characters are stuck.  Getting good isn't possible.  Leveling more is... impractical in the amount of time to level even once, with the exp from available opponents.  It would take, my strength build, an hour for a level or two of mindless grinding.  Three or four levels for my dex build.

I have tried the bosses, continuously.  Hitting them five to ten times before going back to attempt more leveling.  I have tried blind blocking, studied blocking, just beating the things and dodging.  No way through.

A cool day?

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Depends on how you see things.  Compared to the relatively hot summer days so far?  Sure.  It is reported to get to 89 as a high, out there, today.  At one time, that was brutal to me.  With the weight and size off, even the mid 90s and low 100s are okay, for a bit.  This temp, if that turns out to be fact, is almost pleasant.

Just gaming today.  As usual.  I haven't made coffee today, and may not.  I also may not eat.  I simply don't need food, not daily.  I like it, some days, most days.  I enjoy it.  Usually.  I simply don't need it.  It is good to go without.  As with feasting, I offer my fasting up to God.  In gratitude for the plenty I have.  I just can't pay another's way, less so the ungrateful.

Lies of P: part two

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I keep trying to sort this game.  Having realized how much better a dex weapon was, and being inextricably stuck with that first 'toon, I started a second, this time dex, build.  It... was doing better.  Until a certain boss.

I wasn't needing to hyper level, if I did some of that.  And, all leveling mats are being used for the better weapon.  I made it through a boss and three mini bosses (often harder than actual bosses, if the fights are shorter (if you can win) and sometimes optional.

Almost.

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My right foot, the knuckle belonging to the big toe, again, began to hurt.  About two weeks ago.  So... I have been very careful with it.  Not putting too much pressure on it, keeping walking to a minimum, babying it.  And it has nearly worked.  The pain is down to a softer ache, rarely registering above the other, mostly currently, and also background, pains.

Further, I was being extra careful to not have the pain get into the other foot.  How can you be cautious when you aren't certain of the cause(s)?  Trust me, I could be, and it was working.  However, just as my right foot big toe knuckle is nearly healed, the left said knuckle has gone full retarded and hurts just as bad as the right had been.  More care going forward.  And, at least, it wasn't both at the same time.  Or so far, or to this point.

She knows.

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Not certain if she fully understands, believes.  Further, she is attempting to own the notion.  Threatening to move out?  Okay.  She suggests she'll be out this month.  No, I wouldn't mind.  I won't buy more groceries, and will eat my food until she is gone.  No more buying as a general rule. 

She told me she is joining the mormon church.  I... thought she had.  Her nicotine and caffeine habits are going to... be a problem.  Not my problem.  I doubt if she will be taking Jasmine.  That or back to the pound.  She can't have the cats, especially after beating the kitten nearly to neurological retardation.  The kitten is doing better, but is terribly afraid at times, and still has twitches.

The lies of P

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Here is an honest review.

A recent game purchase.  On disc.  No updates.  Without updates there is only the regular play mode.  Which... is very difficult?  I have read that, if updated, you can choose from three difficulty levels, the other two easier than the one I am playing.

Sleep can be exquisite.

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Tonight was one of those.  Awake.  But maybe back to sleep?

Having the room 75, even down to 68 if it gets cooler outside, has helped.  Well, and while I haven't spoken with mother, the... decision has been made.  The future beyond that is murky, muddy, messy, and uncertain.  But probably involves emptying, packing, and moving a long way away.

I would like to think there is a woman in that future.  But the truth, as every man knows, is that women are nothing but trouble.  Liars, thieves, in it for themselves.  I'm not convinced I could afford, this way or that, a woman... here or there.

Several folk have suggested...

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that, while kicking back, of an evening, afternoon, morning... when they had a moment and no immediate demands... while reflecting on things... just how much they have been through, suffered, survived.  How well they made it through all these things.  So... I gave it a shot.  Yes, I am different.

Oh, no... I saw what they saw.  How many graves I have literally clambered out from, how many wounds of all sorts and natures I have endured.  How much stress, hatred, and else I have had to contend, defend against, often just suffering through with no means of immediate mitigation.

How strange is THAT!?!

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It is down to 77, downstairs here.  The windows, upstairs and down, are open.  Fans are going hard and heavy, but I am about to give the ones down here a few hours off.  At 77, the coolest it has been in a week, or three, it feels downright chilly!  Sounds crazy, but it is true.  Just dropped to 76... 

And, having slept with the temperature at 73 upstairs, in my zone even, I had finally cooled off, generally.  At this altitude, 73 often feels chilly, especially when wearing summer weight clothing.  Two blankets were needed, if happily.

Very nice.

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With me up here, both AC's running, if on a more moderately warm day, it is 73 up here.  I don't believe it made it to 90?   Perfect sleeping temp.  I did end up using a thin and thick cotton blanket for that perfect sleep.  And sleep was very good, if short.  I even dreamed. 

In one, South American cartel bosses, a few of them, found out I could fly.  If being, mostly, kept secret, even within their organizations, they had tracked me, learned who my family is, and presented me with an offer not designed to be refused.

Some things.

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I did a favor for mother today.  Her dresser, one of them, is a modular by part wire and connector jobby.  She... breaks it from time to time.  But she can't fix it.  She lacks the manual dexterity and strength.  Must admit, it does take some doing.

There is another job she put on my radar.  When I wake, if she is still awake.  I was about to install the ac in the livingroom.  But, when in the kitchen for else, I noticed she had left the back door open when she went out.  So... until we talk, and if she agrees to pay half the overage on electrical bill, with all the AC's running?  No ac in the livingroom.  The woman is incorageable.

So blasted hot.

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.

The forecast is suggesting a low of 66.  Not convinced.  It is currently 78, according to them.  Which reminds me, I need to find or buy several mechanical temperature gauges, hardy ones that can be adjusted and tested.  The weather stations and channels are notoriously inaccurate. 

I need something covering me, in order to sleep well.  But at 79, up here, with ac, it just doesn't work.  I'll have to put my second ac unit in.  That... should help.  And, get the one installed in the livingroom.  Hopefully the various units will contort to consort.

So very hot.

.

.

If it doesn't hit 100, lately, it isn't off by much.  The lows are even a bit high, into the 70s I think.  The best I can do is get some fresh air in at night.  It just doesn't cool off at all.  Indoors less than outdoors.  Rough. 

So far I just have one AC up here, and one in mom's room.  I am thinking about adding a medium sized one in the living room and/or a big one in the spare bedroom.  The big one was intended for the living room, but doesn't fit that window.  Though I would have to figure out a cat preventing air allowing measure with the spare bedroom use.

Time to rise and shine.

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.

Or nearing that time.  It's 21:30.  Finally dark out there.  My weather channel suggests it is down to 80.  Down to 77 by 23:00, and 61 as a low sometime tonight.  They... aren't the best at guessing the temp, their own readings betray their prognostications pretty much every day.  They... really aren't good at weather forecasting. 

Hmm... from the time I started writing this to now?  The temp at 23:00 is now supposed to be down to 73, not 77.  What clots.

I did rise.

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It was nearly 23:00.  Give or take an half hour.  Not much done.  Water was reset, plus two jugs for sun tea.  I like it too.  She has been adding lemon wedges, a nice touch.  Working in the heat.  I would rather she not, but I am glad one of us can, and enjoys it.  

Staying hot.  It will until some day between the start of August and the middle of September.  The ac cools up here to 73, without me.  Then it keeps the far part of the room between 73 and 75, while this side gets to 77 or so, with me up here.  Oddly, that is cold enough to cause foot cramps if I kick my feet and legs out at night!  I still have to be careful.

Not today.

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.

Still in bed at 18:24.  I have been awake for a bit, not awake enough to get going.  Not sure whether it's back to sleep or time to rise.  Stuck in a difficult spot.

Such terrible dreams.  A dream?  Series of them?  Or something else entirely?  If a series, thematically conjoined.  One of the several... dreams, visions.  -  Ask one of the Swords of God a question?  Prepare to not get anything like the answer you anticipated.  No, God is NOT on your side.  You are humbly on His side or you are on your own, in the darkness of your choosing. 

Plans.

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.

I had hoped to be awake through the day.  I was, of course, up all night.  Some days I can push it on through.  Not today.

I did get water jugs refilled, as with the carafe and reservoir on the r.o. machine.  I reset ice, using some through the night.  The lawn was watered, this time front, a side, and out back.  It really is trying to spruce back up.

A bit to eat.  I remembered to check bp.  Just a tad high, as usual lately.  Blood sugar remains excellent.  Even the 90 day average is down to 111.  I had been tinkering, experimenting, for a bit.  Went off known keto reservation territory.  Tried a few things.  Not that it ever even hit 150, but it got into the 120s for a bit.  I've found what works, and doesn't.  And just how far I can push things.

No, I can't stay up, as hoped.  Not that it is really hot, but warm enough.  It just ended my ability to stay awake.  Still, a good night.  Hoping to be awake for shopping this afternoon or tomorrow.  I'll be taking Mom along.  She has a few items on her list.  I'll buy a few of them, as I prefer better cheeses, and need a few things myself.  Different stores though.

Ugh.  Good night, and day.

Still 80, indoors.

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.

Nothing I do seems to alter that.  I tried half a dozen variations.  Nothing is changing the temperature an iota.  On the good side, whether it reaches 103 or just 97, it stays well below that in here.  Not cool, in here, just cooler.  Day and night 

I opened the windows upstairs too.  Wondering if that might help.  Or make it worse?  Zero effect.  Mom has her ac running in her room, I think, 24/7.  I would charge for that, but I approve.  It also does help by buffering one of the South rooms.  Plus, I do want her to have a place for refuge.  She is a summer girl, but... we all have our limits.

Hot.

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.

Staying hot.  At just after 20:00, it is still 86.  It is supposed to drop to 66.  Not convinced, they keep missing their forecast.  As well, opening up at night doesn't seem to do much.  Do get fresh air, just not much real cooling.  It's going to be a rough hot summer.  It stays around 78 here near me, if the far side of the room drops to 70 to 73 depending on the time of day.  With ac of course.

As well, having a major allergy attack from something.  Pollen?  Some local growth of something?  Is Mom cooking with something new or different?  Going through facial tissue like gangbusters, and always with a runny nose.  I feel like one of those elderly grannymas, who always has a hanky or tissues tucked in a pocket, sleeve, purse, and/or elsewhere.  Always at the ready or getting more.  I used to chuckle at the poor dears... until I became one.  Bleh.  Sure hope this passes soon.  Would sure like to know what it is, though.

Managing rage through sleep.

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A temporary fix.  But needed.  Before a talk.  As well, arranging the one-way discussion.  No gas lighting or explaining back allowed.  A simple conveyance of understandings with no wiggle room.  Any attempts at such will lead to am exit.  A final parting of ways.

A series of statements, declaring what could be, is, happening that are problems.  The solutions.  And what will happen, in very short order, if the behavior isn't absolutely changed.  As well, I will suggest, since I doubt she has the willpower to behave, that she begin her search for a new place.

Up late.

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.

Going to bed early anyway.  I did run the sprinklers last night.  8 see mother did too.  But I didn't know how well or long.  Though it looked like she couldn't move the sprinklers almost at all.  Fair enough.  I wish she would leave me to my tasks.  I hit the areas I hit last time, some of it over what she did (in part because she did it wrong).  If I had done it, alone, water wouldn't have been wasted and I could have hit new patches out back.

She also tries to set the reverse osmosis machine going, but always messes it up.  I wish she would just leave some things alone.  She has zero tech-fu.  Like having a child play with a record player.  Or a female Yoda.  Which makes me wonder if she actually does know, but either doesn't care or is more on the dark side.

Backing away from spending.

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Smaller orders.  Needs based.  Do I really need that?  Technically, I need almost nothing.  But my life is a bit of a mess.  Sometimes, say, nightlights... that turn on from motion, when it is dark, helps me live a little better... a little less precariously.

True, I always have at least one flashlight.  Unless I wake late, early, off, and didn't get one.  And, even with a flashlight, area lighting is limited.  Okay.  So, yes.  The problem?  Those eat batteries!  I've tried those before.  There are plug in ones, but the areas I need them don't have outlets.

Gen X'ers see doom coming?

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.

I do chuckle at the notion.  For obvious and not, intricate, simple, and elegant reasons.  First, of course, every generation, as it ages out of society, sees that.  Some of it is a... reflection of the truth of their mortality becoming clearer to those individuals.  On a personal and peer level field.

Though, in some cases, it really is more than that.  Seeing technology mate with prophecy, the potential for Christian based ends times is here, or nearly here.  The mark of the beast, or the final one, can be, or is nearing the possibility, of implementation.  To control commerce in such a way is almost ready, just not quite yet, or not quite to scale.

She is just begging to be...

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.

kicked off the island.  At this point, I'm beginning to agree.  Spending money she doesn't have, relying on my largesse to cover her.  Either using my console and tv, or more likely allowing someone else to do so.  All sorts of schemery.  And I have just about had enough.

Talk?  That we will do.  A final talk.  If she doesn't straighten up she will be moving out, quickly.  She doesn't do enough good to cover the bad at this time.  So the bad has to end or the gig is up.  I don't think she thinks I can or will.  She is terribly mistaken.

Eighty.

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.

Indoors, at a quarter after one.  It was cooler outdoors by 21:30?  Give or take an hour.  So I opened the house up.  Not my mother's room or my room, upstairs.  Those need 24/7 AC as things stand.  Refuges, if needed.  If I could just get her to keep her door closed!  It won't cool the whole house.  It just wastes energy trying.

Can't tell a woman anything... though I could begin charging her exta for keeping the door open.  Women don't listen until they are on the hook.  Just like her wanting to feed families.  She did buy the chicken she wants to use, but not the food I bought she will eat instead.  She suggests she won't eat for a day.  The amount she is taking is enough for a week of meals.  I don't mind if she fasts.  I do, and it certainly wouldn't hurt her.  But she has no appetite for that sort of humility. 

Up all night.

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.

Not for gaming.  Mother has been going on about the lawn.  I finally got out to see it.  Yes.  It is rough.  So I set up sprinklers last night.  As soon as the sun was down, I started them.  Then, every few hours, I moved the sprinklers.  I tried to hit every spot on the front and side lawn.

It is pretty crisped.  Not sure how well it can return.  We will find out.  But, for a first night at it, it got a goodly shot of water.  I didn't miss an inch.  But that effort took all night.  I just finished at six in the morning.

Best to smoke in the heat.

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.

The smoker runs a bit hot.  If, as it turns out, that is a good thing.  For several reasons.  First, no way around it, a brisket is a massive hunk of meat.  Reaching the right internal temperature is... only the beginning.  Second, while hot outside, the smoker is using far fewer pellets.

Could the first batch of pellets have simply been inferior?  Maybe.  But the meats cooked yesterday, and today, have taken three times the time taken together, than that first burn, smoke, call it what you will, yet have used a fifth the number of pellets total.

Even gaming can be difficult.

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.

Figuring out bosses is usually the most difficult part.  Especially for four different classes, character types.  Casters want distance, the dex build can do range or close and dirty, the tank just rolls right up for a rumble.  If there is more to it than just that.

Getting through some zones, though, too can be quite difficult for various classes.  Knowing ambush points, choke points, gank traps, and such can help.  But even knowing that doesn't always mitigate.  A squishy against a well armored opponent, in close quarters, which has extended attacks and gap closing attacks at speed is... a mini boss experience.

Me and my big mouth.

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It had been forecast to be in the low 90s for the next week.  While not a chill spell, certainly better than some years.  I checked again.  Revised.  All revised, upward.  Over a hundred most days this coming week.  Which is higher than usual, earlier than usual.  Only dipping into the 60s.

It stays 77, on my side of the room.  The AC is on the far western side while I sleep on the opposite eastern side.  Though, too, I throw a lot of heat.  Still, it is comfortable enough that I use a blanket and duvet.  Losing all that weight makes a huge difference.

More smoking.

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.

Trying Cornish game hens, a tritip sirloin roast, and pork ribs.  Brisket tomorrow.  Using apple pellets, if you can believe any label at this time.  The probe is in one of the little birds.  I have several, but no need.  I know the fowl will be finished first.  Though, then it becomes a tossup as to which of the others finishes next.  However, pork ribs can be cooked extra long without too much trouble.  So I'll put the probe in the beef. 

Hot.  If it didn't hit 100, it only missed by a degree or three.  Even in here, where it is cool, the heat just reaches in and lets me know nowhere is really safe.  Reminds me, I need to go through things, find shorts.  Winter pj bottoms just won't do.  And muscle or tank shirts.

I brought Jasmine in.  She likes it outside more.  Still, she got a bit of cool.  Fresh cold water, three or four times a day for her, even the cats.

Two ac's running much of the day.  One upstairs and I set one up in Mom's room.  I wish she would shut her's off later at night.  But, a) she sleeps at night, b) her room is south facing so gets plastered,  c) she keeps it at a reasonable 72, d) she is nearly 84.  I am not going to argue that one.  For me, I give my unit the night off... if, when, possible.

With the next week (2 months) being in the 90s to low 100s, that may not be possible.  Certainly at some point, between the house mass and lack of real cooling, I'll have to run it 24/7.  May have to add an ac to the living room window as well.  Hot, but just usual summer heat.  Maybe even on the cooler side of that.

She was thinking we should talk.  To me, there is nothing to talk about.  I simply can't trust a thing she do and will need to lock everything up.  Living with a thief and liar sucks.  For now... we'll see.  No, I won't accept her gaslighting.  Best just take the hit than try to lie out of it.  An apology would be good, don't expect that from women, especially about that which they untruth about.

Anyway.  Until I can get the latches and else in place, I am using... impediments to egress.  A minor, weighty, complicated, obstacle course.  It'll be both the upstairs and my bathroom.  She even stole a comb I really like.  I got it back.  But she just takes.  No!

The alarm is sounding.  Time to check dinner.

Mostly gaming, lately.

.

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No discussions, about this or that.  Nothing, really, to be said.  Besides, I'm busy.  Just life moving on.  I am just... more careful.  About everything.

Dark Souls 3, running four 'toons through.  Wanted to run a tank, thief, mage, and pyromancer through.  But the mage is so slow, especially with early kit, that I just ran two pyromancers through, with the idea of changing one to a mage, or battle mage, on the second run... when they have enough skills, spells, and equipment to run effectively. 

Troubles.

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I found my wallet open, and my wad of small bills beside, on my clothing.  I don't do that.  Though perhaps?  Then, today, I found my wallet in the wrong pocket.  Nope.  I am going to have to lock my bedroom from both sides.  A padlock on the outside.  Latches or other inside.

As well. I am certain she has been letting someone play my console.  Probably neighbor kids.  Though, to, it could be anyone with whom she is currying favor.  More, I purchased secure padlocks.  Spent a small fortune on them.  I am just about convinced she clept them, allowing the keys to be copied. 

She said.

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A red, now black?, pilled woman, on y.t. I occasionally view, said "How I realized society was not going to get better".  I haven't viewed that vid, or yet.  Thinking about if I will.

Of course, unless these are truly the end of days?  She is wrong.  Though, some interpretations of prophecy strongly suggest even an earthly golden age, under the King's rule, for some... longish time.  If, even without that, there is heaven for at least the elect.

No, just no.

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She owes $900 over her agreed monthly rent/utilities.  I reduced that by $200, to $700.  She tried to give a check for $700 to cover it all.  No!  I suspected she would try something like this.  NO!  I will no longer order anything through amazon for her, or help her in any way, until she catches up.  I simply can't afford her and my life, fully.  Won't.

I buy her stuff, too.  Like flashlights and bar holders for those, for her walker, little things she requests (not all, just things she wants or needs).  I make sure she has money, if going to a luncheon event.  But I do have limits.

Then, after she is caught up, she will be limited to $50 in any kind of debt a month.  Her memory isn't good, when it isn't convenient.  As mentioned, I have already forgiven around $500 in the last two months, half of that this month already.  NOT going forgive another $550 this month.  Grhhh....  NO!

Have to get new tires this month.  Pay electrical work, if he ever gets back to me, and whenever he starts that.  Plus tankless water heaters, one waiting on electrical work, the other waiting on finding an installer.  On the good side, I have enough credit on my HD card to probably buy both units.  I should check to see if they install. 

A shower and... then... something?  Friday.  Is it?  Later.

Speaking with the Infinite.

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.

Some dreams are dreams.  Some dreams seem much much more.  Visions?  I have to believe the latter, not the former.

Hearing God is not understanding God.  Like... hearing in color, or feeling with taste.  Several parsecs beyond even my trained understandings.  Or... misunderstandings?  What I have seen and experienced has led me to a comprehensive accidental enlightment.  Not the so-called modernist version, but the true one.

Even so, all I can do in those... moments... is listen.  See.  Sense.  Realize there is God.  These times used to terrify me.  They still move me beyond expressions I could codify into words.  Like the blind, seeing the sun for the first time?  Only, that, and so much more.

Not great.

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.

On the one hand, life has been very good.  The stitch in the side is much lessened.  The feet cramping only happens a few times a week.  And I have been able to be awake much of the day during daytime even.  But getting to things is a whole other matter.

More crippled than usual.  I'd like to blame mom, she can distract which makes doing my list more difficult.  But that is a minor side additional thing, not the main cause, or one of them.

A few things.

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A bench/storage foot locker mother wanted was assembled.  Much less trouble than anticipated.  Initially it seemed a few parts were missing.  Just parts put where they weren't supposed to go.  Fifteen minutes?  Or so.

As well, the various pork cuts were smoked.  Took quite a while, at least to finish the bigger portions.  The boneless "ribs" and pork chops were done fairly quickly and mostly well.  The chops were a bit dry, but the riblets were very good, fine.

Almost chilly.

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.

The high, today, is supposed to be 65 and the forecast looks to probably be correct or close enough.  Tomorrow cooler?  Enjoying the light reprieve.  But, too, it's causing me to crash out a bit.  I'll get up shortly.  Get a window ac installed, and put a storage bench together.  Well, and have a bite to eat.

Back to carnivore for a bit.  Blood sugar hit 144.  Though... from back to back to back abuses.  A bit of both a test heaped on a failure.  Wanted to see what it took to elevate blood sugar.  Surprising how much it took and how little it raised it.  Still, back to right eating.  The highest other reading, in probably a year, or two, was 122 otherwise. 

A smoother day.

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Still moving?  Hasn't said.  A few tasks done, several meals eaten.  No further discussion.

It got warm, 93 I believe.  The ac up here is enough, for now.  With the fans.  Two were assembled for downstairs as well.  Not sure if mother can open her windows, but I think so.  She just wants someone else to do it.  No, not if she can.

Male disengagement.

.

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One of the oldest societal issues.  One of the most devastating, right behind the rejection of reproductivity, mostly by women... in it's many forms.  The various states and cultures throughout history have struggled with the male problem.  As... can easily be read in history books, even through the majority of lies in them, those treatments have failed. 

From the most severe, the agoge (which I had a closer relationship with than most moderns), to less restrictive attempts at bribery to exclusivity to privilege, most systems failed quickly to slowly.  Though, I will suggest the problem with the spartan system had more to do with the feminization of politics by pushing men to death, while allowing women to actually possess wealth as widows and political power as a result.  In the end, banshee cougars ran that state (right into the ground).

Not to call her mother, or mom.

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.

She wants me to total her debts.  She intends to pay it off and move into assisted living at the end of the month.  Okay.  That is her choice.  She is in the state to make such choices.  I just wish I had known this a bit earlier.  I spent lots of money on things that simply weren't the best investment for short term events... if she actually can get out.

As mentioned, I'll just settle, sell, and move.  If I can make enough money over closing for that to work.  From there?  I'll begin traveling the world.  See what I can see.

Well trimmed.

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The house.  It was up to 88 yesterday.  Is supposed to hit 91 today.  And is already 78 outside.  It is 73 throughout the house.  I just closed the last window.  Leaving the windows on the western side open a bit longer is okay.  Still cooler, no matter how it might seem.  Altitude adjusts things.  Oh, but the last window upstairs. 

Back up, but just for a bit.  Gaming.  Wanted coffee.  Set it up.  But going back to bed shortly.  Though, had grinding to do in game, on several 'toons.  With that done, perhaps I can get back to enjoying the game.  Grinding is annoying, not entertaining.

A tiny few things.

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.

Checked to see that her coffee was made.  That is one gift I try to give.  Brought in boxes, it was too warm earlier, and I too tired.  For no good cause mind you.  Well, mother was in a mood if that really wasn't it.  That just made trying to fight for a bit more daylight unpalatable.  Less palatable?  Or such.

I get it.  I've been laying in provisions and else fairly heavily.  Finally done.  Truly.  But, there is the aftermath.  Items she often can't move, I don't have a place for quite yet, so things are in the way.  Well, and my energy has been nearly zeroed.

Still, a few things tonight.  Hopefully a few things tomorrow.  Just... no promises.

Even gaming couldn't keep me awake.  Tired,  beyond my capacity to escape.  So, again, sleep it is.  Sleep well when you may.   Wow, could barely keep my eyes open to finish this! 

Mother isn't happy.

.

.

What she, and most women, don't understand is?  No one can make them happy.  Happiness, neither, is a choice or a gift.  Could I do dishes?  Sure.  But more often than not, she makes dishes just for herself.  And, she wants them done "now".  I... don't do anything "now".  Nothing, no thing.  I don't even pee "now", even when I should.  ;p

Besides, I provided a dishwasher.  That is what I could do.

Reconfiguring.

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.

With the AC running days, and a fan and open windows at night, it is staying between 72 and 74 up here.  Which is nice.  It makes sleeping with a blanket or two another part of the plan.  A welcome one.  It had been running 77 up here for a week or two.

Now, that wasn't bad.  But it was beginning to stretch my tolerances.  And the downstairs was beginning to get warmer as well.  With the new arrangements, the downstairs is staying cool enough so that AC hasn't been started down there quite yet.

Smoked ribs.

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At 250, they took four hours, and used seven pounds of wood pellets?  Or so.  One hour open, two hours in foil, then another hour and a half actually open again.  Tender, with a smoke ring.  Could have cooked longer?  Yes.  But done and not bad at all.

A whole chicken and a chuck roast are being thawed to try next.  If I must get to town, I may grab a pork butt and chops, or something else to fill.  Best bet, with as many pellets as this uses, the time involved, and the space available, is to fill the cook spaces and cook enough for a few weeks, pulling some for fresh or near fresh. Freezing the rest in meal or several meal packets.  Or, that's how I see things.

Awake at near my new normal.

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.

It was just at 22:30 when I woke.  Why?  I would much rather be awake during the day.  The cool, of night, is only better when it is blazing hot out there.  While it is reaching into the 80's out there, at this altitude, and else this particular season, that is... splendid weather.  Not... to be out in, during the highs.  But in the morning and evening, outdoors, while indoors remains quite pleasant during even the highs.

Yes.  I will have to push my days and nights around.  Or give it a good shot.  You have no idea how difficult that is for a native night owl.  Still, sometimes, for a time, I can stand on my proverbial sleep hands for a little while.

Just look at that!

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I finally got around to ordering a traeger smoker.  Will it work well?  Not in the box.  It... sat there, in the box, for three, four, days.  Longer?  Not much longer.  Unless it was a week or more.  My mind, and time, are not well synced lately.  Not at all. 

In any case, after two false starts, today was the day.  To try.  So... I tried.  Just getting the thing out of the box was a trick, solo.  When I can't pull, or push, I try other methods.  In this case. I turned the box over, careful so as to not dent or ding anything.  Gravity is your friend if you use various control methods.

Finally got the clothes rack up.

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.

I knew it was going to be a beastly chore, especially solo.  Mother couldn't have reached what needed held, nor does she have the strength.  Not complaining, just explaining. 

Putting up the base boards, needing to pre drill, then use the cordless drill to screw the wood down, while keeping it balanced?  Quite a trick.  Oh, but should I need to do such a task again, I have learned a few things.  Such as starting in the middle.

Several days of rest helps.

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Was so messed up.  Some of it, most of it initially, was pain.  First in the side.  Then much more sharply in the right foot.  Cramps, aching, deforming spasms, brutal.  But then, the pains were eating my sleep, or reducing its ability to allow me to regenerate, catch my breath, refresh.  It was becoming brutal.  I was at the point of trying to make a podiatry appointment.  Couldn't get through, so I procrastinated.  Now things have improved.

I have been sleeping warmly and well the last three longer cycles.  Mostly.  Last night, my left foot tried to join in on all the fun and games.  It, too, started cramping.  Gah!  BUT, this time, I knew exactly what to do.  I took the sock off, slathered it in salve, put the sock back on, and stuffed it in a shoe.  DONE!  Oh, and croc's work, the more fitted ones.  Though if malformation gets worse, at the worst case, tied shoes work the best.  Though, when up and at things, the tied shoes are the ticket.  Just for support while walking.

I got a nice spot of things done.

.

.

And just so far.  Wheezing.  With sleep corrupting my life, and pain, I have become a bit... weak.  Even so, I tore it up. up here.  I've worked on two other areas previously (if you couldn't tell, I definitely can).  Three steps forward, one back.  Sometimes no options other than that.  

This time, I cleared the northern end at the foot of my sleeping pallet.  Not... cleared.  Organized, nicely.  Everything there will need to be sorted before long as well, but the boxes are stacked, sorted.  There is a path in the middle, other than my medicine balls which can easily be moved.  And my new camera gear is altogether, and right there.

A bit better.

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.

I went downstairs.  The trip was still a bit of a hobble, but wasn't abandonedly agonizing.  It wasn't simple, normal, or even painless though either.  I did go out to bring Jasmine in.  I wanted some fresh air, and to take a few more steps.  Not a lot, just a few. 

Supper, gaming, not much else.  While the pain was bearable, it went well beyond my typical ability to block the sensations.  From the few efforts I put forward, I was sweating profusely from the amount of pain that I could consciously feel.  I... do wonder how much pain my body shields my conscious mind from.  Though I probably... really don't want to know.

My foot.

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.

The shoe get too tight.  I can't wear it all night.  It begins causing more trouble than adding coolmfort.  There is a risk when taking the shoes off.  Yesterday it worked.  Last night not so much.  By this morning, it was back to like walking on a broken bloody balloon of a foot.

I limped downstairs, hoping it would sort out.  I fed the cats, ate an egg breakfast mother had made, had coffee, then gamed for a bit.  But the pain, even without load on it, became eye-watetingly intense.  Nauseatingly intense.  I... surrendered the field.

Before going back to bed, in humiliatimg defeat, I took four of the strongest painpills I keep on hand.  As well, mother had asked for a painkiller salve, for her arthritic hands.  She works wonders with them, but not without pain, bless her.  Anyway, I tried some of that.

Then up to bed, with shoes on.  Well, one shoe on.  No need, I am realizing, to wear both shoes to bed, uncomfortable as they are.  The hope was that pain might soften, between sleep, medication, the ointment, and the shoe and wool socks.  It has worked!

Now, half way through, I woke in agony.  With the shoe tied, and the foot swelling, the compression became unbearable.  I tried, as before, to ignore, or "snooze" the pain.  As before, that eventually fails.  Pain makes me sweat, at some point of intensity.  Sweat was just pouring off me.  Stubborn, I am.  Even I have limits.

But, this time, I tried a middle ground.  I just loosened the ties, opened the ankle and tongue of the shoe.  Then.... tried, and succeeded returning to sleep.  Half a day?  Six to nine hours, roughly.  But, awake.  With a foot that doesn't bring me yo my knees, even eithout weight.  Oh my goodness gracious, the joy to be awake and not in waves of panic and nausea inducing agony!

Now to go downstairs, carefully.  Maybe to finish the coffee, yave some water, do some gaming.  Just... a test run.  If, and I do mean if, i can do a few light things, I may try to do a few things on our to-do list.  Putting up a secondary shower curtain.  Putting up a drying rack.  And, maybe, making supper for us.

Oh, I fried the fish the other day.  Mother said nothing, through the meal.  So I guessed she didn't like it.  I was not going to push for a comment, bit oh well, I thought it was delicious.  After I had given up on a word, either way, she... admitted this was better than lst time.

What was so hard about saying that?  It's not really a contest.  Is it?  I don't use batter.  I simply salt, lightly pepper, and gently fry in tallow.  Fresh lemon, if available.  Frying ag medium to medium high, flipping with tongs, after gentling loosening the fillets.  I work fish like no other food.  Being very careful not to overcook.  She just blasts it, like it was a steak.  Strange, but she can cook a thinner steak correctly... though too, only if she has the state of mind, in the moment, to focus.  I use timers, so things don't get out 9f hand.  She just thinks she has enough focus.  Ugh.

Not .. angry.  Just, for some food, I need a more delicate outcome.  I don't mind doing it.  If she can do it, so be it.  If she won't, I will.  And breading!  We are going to have to work up a better keto/carnivore method.  Just flouring things with almond or coconut flour is terrible.  Or even the keto blend I make.  Those work for some things, even tortillas.  But not as crusts.  Too dry, cloying?  No, not cloying, think dry, tasteless, like dried paper mâché.  Have to work on that one, though I have an idea.

moisten slightly, or dab nearly dry... the chicken part, chop, or fish, etc.  coat it in dry gelatin (good beef, flavorless).  Beat an egg, dredge the powdered meat in the egg.  Powder fried pork skins.  then coat the dredged meat in the pork "panko".  Then fry on medium, then bake to finish.  OR...  Bake first, then fry to finish?  The latter, as I prefer crispy.

Oh, right.  On to getting up, maybe to something.  Good evening.  Later. 

Better.

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Sleeping with shoes on is an odd thing.  As a general rule, I haven't done it since I was in the service and either was working extra long hours, days even, with more shifts, duties, or watches incoming.  Or was somewhere I prefered to be ready.  Not comfortable, but now or back then, it wasn't a comfort thing.  Just as when they had us not wear shoes, on subs.  When we were trying to be ultra quiet.  Yes, we did that.

I couldn't wear them the whole time I slept.  It was becoming too painful.  I had to decide whether to try to wake, or take my shoes off and hope my foot didn't spasm into malformations again.  Couln't really wake, so I took the chance, removed the shoes, and went on back to bed.

Awake, to help mom.

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She wanted to be awake by a certain time.  I happened to be awake in time to check on her.  She was awake?  Or, when I opened my door, it woke her up.  In any case, I did that, with my seeming club foot.

I just started gaming.  But my foot was cramping, again... de- or malforming.  Twisting.  So, painful as it was, I put on shoes.  They look like tennis shoes, sneakers, but they are steel toed with a steel shamk.  Keen's.  They... fortify the foot.  Hold it in shape, tighten well, for compression.

A stitch in time.

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Or in the side.  It is finally, mostly, gone.  Replacing it?  The foot pain has returned.  Was it the foot cramps which caused foot damage?  While gaming, have I wrenched my foot?  Bits of both?  Or did someone hurt me, while I slept?  I sometimes do wonder.  As hard as I sleep, it is possible.  The dropsies is a terrible affliction.  Leaves a man completely vulnerable, and the world is cruel and corrupt.  Are they seeing if I am dead, or just being cruel, if that is the case?

The brutality of the pain makes me lame, or again, if in a new way.  My right foot (thankfully just one foot, this time) is swollen in the joint, and throughout the foot, making it like walking on a bloody ballon, rather than a foot.  With the knuckle seemingly displaced.  And a constant ache to it, with added pain for weight bearing, or even moving.  Maybe wearing shoes, to compress against the swelling, and preventing it from twisting, deforming, with or into cramps, might help.  As agony goes, it's winderous, splendid, glorious.  This too, a gift to my Lord... in commiseration at the little cross I am allowed to bear.  And, to be spent as He may, for whomever may gain from it.  Even just in spirit.  Amen.

Awake.

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Trash day.  I need to move the bin out.  And brush my teeth, possibly shave.  Perhaps get some water in, game just a bit, and such.  But to get back to bed before too long.  A shower too?  Late, but maybe.  Every two to three days is best.  Daily is great, but... drying... terribly drying.

Hmm, I'll even, possibly, feed the girls.  At least check on them.  Jasmine is mostly an outdoor girl as weather has warmed.  She prefers that to the cage.  If I can ever get up here sorted, secure from dog chewing, I may allow her up here.  Or, at least when I am awake for a bit.

Mostly better.

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Still with the stitch in the side.  It isn't as bad, if oddly constant rather than intermittent.  I prefer the milder pain, even if regular.  Surprised it remains though.  It does wear me down.

Temps were climbing.  Into the mid 80s.  Then it cooled off down into the 60s.  Which is adding to a need to sleep.  Fragile.  Too hot, cold, too fast, too long, or even fast changes, and I hit a wall.  If you love to sleep, and can survive doing so?  You would love my life.

I think I figured it out.

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The pain.  Though, possibly, it was two things combined.

The lessor additive issue is experimenting with resistant starches.  The goal is to better feed various bacteria et. al. in the lower intestines.  To do this, eating a small amount (think half a cup to a cup) of pasta, beans, or potatoes... cooked, then cooled.  You can reheat those, but don't eat them freshly cooked.  As well, raw potatoes, if you can handle those.

A busier day?

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Yes.  Gaming is helping me be awake more often.  As such, mom can ask for things.  I don't always agree to help, if I can't I don't.  And, not always when she wants something done.  "Now" isn't always possible.  A half hour from now?  Allows me to gather myself, finish whatever I am doing, or be in a physical state, or rest from else, in order to help or do.  She is learning patiences pays better than harrassment.  Harrass and I just go back to bed.  Not in anger, in exhaustion.

I grilled a chicken today.  It did come out very well.  I grilled (smoked, and the chicken too, really or rather) a portion of a btisket the other day.  Both came out pretty good.  A smoked meat, with enough for leftovers, twice month?  More often, with the oven ooc.

BP is being odd.

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For a long time, while taking the maximum blood pressure medicine, bp was remaining high.  Then I started checking bp four times a day.  Before taking medicine, and an hour after.  Trying to take medicine in the morning and evening.  Failing that, taking it in what passes for those, for me.

BP started, slowly, dropping.  Then quickly.  Then too much.  I had to titrate down, quickly.  Going from 12.5 mg twice a day to 6.25 twice a day.  After two days I had to half that.  And, now, my bp is so low I can't take those meds!  Or, not always.  I can't say why.  Though, if I am not careful, and take a dose, or half dose when my bp is good, say 120/80, but certainly lower, I can crash, hard.

A new record.

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If numbers can be believed?  Over 502,000 visitors this last month.  I'm not a believer.  I am a chuckler, so I chuckle.  I ought to see how much the clickfarms charge for that many visits.  Just to see what someone is paying to attempt to trick the (non-existant) ego of a ghost.

I'd recommend they not do that.  Put the money into a pro-life group.  This one in particular is my favored.  If... what I suggest is true?  You'd do my soul a square.  My ego, mind, and body are good with solitude.  Just... a thought... prayer... request.

Finally, some work.

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It is warming.  Perhaps too much.  I may have to push to get ac's installed.  Electrical is still in the works.  Then tankless water heaters.  Then I'll have to get a fresh quote on heating and ac.  So... this fall or next spring?  Maybe.

Still, the warmth is easier to manage than the cold.  I sleep better, in the cool and cold.  But waking becomes a serious problem.  And, yes, working is easier in the warm to even hot temps.  Up to a point.  Too hot and I can't sleep.  At 75 F up here, sleeping is becoming a bit difficult.  Not impossible yet.  But I will need that ac, for reasonable sleep, before it hits 80.

Pain is back.

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About a year ago, I stopped hurting.  Did better, for about six months... or so.  For about thirty five years, to then, I had been in constant pain.  Exhaustive pain, adding to simple exhaustion, doubling or tripling the effects.  Now, while pain ended, exhaustion remained.

The last six months, pain has returned.  Exhaustion has increased with it.  That, exhaustion, had never left.  But, with pain gone, it was simpler, easier to ignore... sometimes.  With pain returning, complete exhaustion is now pretty much complete.

Too many problems.

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Applying for specific other V.A. benfits.  They require online access, video capacity, and other tech to which I don't have access.  Just signing up to my healthy vet, requires joining some id program, which is proving impossible on my smart phone.  I thought these programs were for disabled vets?  What about having access and functionability on modern tech does disability make sense for?

The program isn't likely to be offered.  Not sure it is worth the hassle.  And, yet, it could be very helpful.  Difficult to not try, even if somewhat unlikely.