I don't understand.

.

.

Blood sugar is 144 fasting this evening.  I went down some time before four, a quarter, half, or more?  Before four, that's as good as I've got.  Woke around 17:30... pretty close thereabouts, give or take a dozen.  One two/thirds bowl of beef soup yesterday.  And a coffee.  The rest was water.  Stupid blood sugar!

I did wake, and take medicine through the day.  I've been doing better with that.  Got behind on antibiotics.  A bit.  But am catching and keeping up.  If... it looks like this batch isn't enough.  So... yeah.  I'll have to reset.  Call my primary.  With a starter, he might be willing to just do a next batch on his own, like a big boy.  Without having to see me.

Hurt.

.

.

And other things.  Oh, wow.  Not sure why life just took a hard left turn.  Shoulders ache, torso feels terrible.  Plus, so very tired.  I just got to coffee, but it doesn't matter.  I may even have diarrhea.  I'm... going to sort that out before going upstairs.  But, yes.  I think after a bit of...

A quick run, just in case.  Nope.  Just gas, with softserve.  It might be coffee.  Haven't had any in a while.  Well, yesterday.  But a few days before restarting.  There are good things about intermittent coffee consumption, and potentially bad things.

Had to get out.

.

.

Not far, or long.  Packages in, at the post office.  I knew about one.  Expected some others.  It looks like they arrived several days ago, but it just reported it to me.  So... I best get to it.  No, I did get to it.  Items which make ironing easier.  Hams.  Sewing hams.  But, ones supposed to be filled with wood chips, hard wood chips, not fabric.  It makes a difference.  Are they what were advertised?  I'll find out soon enough.

Now, the source for these is from Australia?  Or New Zealand, or such.  Still, I thought buying them from amazon?  Nope.  They... traveled all the way from England.  The two items only cost $6.50 for shipping?  Between their "mail deliver", whatever that is, and ours?  Hmm.  Okay.

Lots of sleep.

.

.

More on the way?  I got up at either 16:00 or 2:00 pm?  Messed up.  I just couldn't figure out the time.  And when I tried to switch it from 24:00 to 12:00 times, I... lost or gained hours.  I was way too tired to stay awake.  So, I fed Sassy, took medicine, and went back to sleep.  Or... that sort of became the plan.  I think I did it.

Two to six hours later I woke up again.  The plan was to take medicine, then go back to sleep.  I did take the medicine.  I did roll back in to sleep.  I just didn't stay asleep.  I think, think now, it was 18:00 when I got up.  As much as an half an hour later, or two hours earlier, but... I think 18:00.  It's 21:18 now.

Blood sugar is 113 today, finally.  A bit lower is nice.  I'll have another coffee.  See if that helps again.  A bit more gaming, until the coffee goes down.  Then back to bed.  Ugh.  So... tired.  Body hurts just a bit.  Oh well.

Beef soup, stew.

.

.

Burger, beef broth, cream cheese, steamed until mixed and done.  No hot spices this time.  It's good, but I don't want it every time.  Besides, if I want a cupa hot stuff, that's doable.  I think I'll have another round.  So far, though, I've only had a bit.  A cup?  Two at most.  Yes, I'll have another round of about that much.

Rough.  In a way.  It's been far worse.  But life has been so much better.  Even so I won't complain.  Life, like a woman, is a pretty, if fickle, odd, thing.  You can't win, but you better be the boss anyway.

I dreamed my friend stopped by.  They were in need.  I noticed he had snow on his boots.  They were cold.  I... wasn't doing well, so didn't remember they... were there, needed in.  Then I remembered, hours later, and went to check on them.

The snow wasn't on his boots.  It was on his feet!  He had to be freezing.  Both of them!  I felt so terrible.  I worried about frostbite, terribly.  I told them, if they ever came by, and I seemed lost, just break in.  They are people who would be allowed such.

I got his feet in water, cool to start, then warmer.  I got them wrapped in blankets, together.  I made soup, with meat and broth, plus hot spices.  I was careful with that, though.  Humans... have limits.  Still, a bit bright in the food, to treat cold, really does help.

Over time, I got them back to health.  Mostly.  No frostbite, thankfully, strangely.  In one way, it was a horrible dream.  That I could forget my people.  But, that I nothing went too terribly wrong, and I could cure them back to a sort of fitness, was good.  Well, they were working on regaining their health.  He is in nearly as bad of shape as I am, lately.  That damage to his leg, and head damage, really did him a number.  Continue to pray for him, if you would.  Me?  If you like.  I am so far beyond... some things, thinking, and prayer.  It's... just a God thing as is.  Don't worry.  Not about me.  I absolutely shouldn't be here.  And, yet, I... can and do enjoy... even the suffering.  Hmm... how about... I pray for you.  Amen.

Yes, a bite more.  Some more gaming.  Then on back to bed.  Good... morning, and goodnight.

Back up.

.

.

The last of the chicken broth beef soup.  Oh, but, that really has been good for the last few days.  Not much of it.  But it was something.  I doubt if there was half a pound of burger over the three or four days.  With maybe a quarter pound of fats... cream cheese, butter, and else.  Mostly bone broth.  Well, and hot spices.  It was wonderful though.

If I could find good chicken, and make chicken soup from the meat, that would be better.  But I can't cook while ill.  And finding good chicken is nearly impossible.  Finding good quality meat of any sort has become a major trick.  Steak, burger, pork.  Yea, sometimes.  But one can't count on it.

Still awake.

.

.

More of the burger soup mix.  It's... not great.  But it isn't causing nausea.  That is as good as it gets, some days.  I'll have a bit more water with electrolytes.  I can tell that is needed when it is really wanted, enjoyed.  Nothing fancy.  But... it helps.

On the good side, I have eaten a bit two days in a row.  Not a lot.  Perhaps a quart of soup, each day.  Most of which was water.  Or... bone broth, some water, some cream, with some solids.  Most of what I ate yesterday went out quickly.  If you remember, I was having trouble getting the pills down the throat.  So had consumed two liters of water before finally eating soup, with some solids.  And another liter of water, plus a quart of a mix of stuff.  All that fluid just flushed the solids through.

Up again.

.

.

I woke up earlier, to feed Sassy.  And... just... to... make some attempt at something.  I did feed Sassy.  Then went on back to bed.  How long ago?  Good question.  Not sure when I went to bed last night.  I am sleeping a lot, that is all I know.  And, I am only staying up for short spats.  

It's... not a "want" thing.  It's... what happens, and I'm just along for the ride.  Just like I want to eat, even though the thought of it causes nausea, so I usually don't.  Even drinking fluids.  I haven't made coffee in days.  I think I drank some leftover coffee yesterday or the day before?  I... can't... stomach the stuff, mostly.

Oops.

.

.

I took the medicine, then was getting ready to go on back to bed.  But... the pills got stuck?  Seemed to be stuck.  I drank water.  And... more water.  And a lot more water.  But those pills would not move!  Or... seemed to be stuck.  I couldn't sleep with pills in my throat.  So?  So I had to think about food.

Oh, I tried to resist.  Wait it out.  Drink more water.  Get it to move, or leave, or dissolve, or whatnot.  It just wouldn't budge.  And that feeling, of having something stuck in the throat?  Brutal.  The thing is, I didn't want to eat.  Food is causing nausea.  It's... horrible.

Didn't get to bed.

.

.

Nor to gaming, or... much else.  I simply kicked around the internet.  Looking at blogs, news, "news", music, and... a few other things.  I had a few eggs, so I thought about making a carnivore version of custard.  But the eggs ended up being a bit too old.  Which... yeah.  That was my serious bad.

Not sure I could have eaten anyway.  But the idea was there.  Whatever I might, eventually, eat, will have to be gentle on the stomach.  Easy to digest.  Not strongly flavored.  I just... can't eat.

Brutal.

.

.

I'm only feeling better because I am feeling nothing?  Sort of.  I haven't eaten in a while.  Won't.  Can't.  But, nausea has... eased?  I'll find out more after I've been awake for a while.  Might just, as suggested, be numb.  Having some water, but not going to have much.  Just... some.  And medicines.

I fed Sassy first thing.  Poor girl.  Though, too, she could use going with less food for a while.  She's not going to starve to death in a hurry either.  Chunk bunny.  Still, I don't mind her having the extra she has.  It's... the negotiated trade-off for having been fixed.  And, for good or ill.

Betterer?

.

.

Slightly.  Still a bit rough.  Did the yogurt help, coffee, vinegar tonic?  Or... just... time.  Feet still deciding whether they are burning in heat, or from cold.  Odd how the burning sensation can be from heat or cold, or for me.

Nausea has eased up.  Mostly.  The ill feeling remains.  A headache, back in the hind part of my mind.  More a soft, regular, ache.  Not a pounding, or throbbing.  Just... simple pain, too.  If I must have a headache, it is how I would have it.

I've been awake a while.  Six hours?  Eight?  Four.  I just... can't be sure.  It is, I think, time to go on back to bed.  I'll get an antibiotic in.  Not sure whether I should take heart medicine or not.  I just... I'm not sure where I am with that.  And, for now, to be honest, it is better to go with too little than too much of that stuff.  I am ill enough that too much could be... dangerous.

I don't suppose I get to die.  But I can hurt, more.  So, yes, I'll skip heart medicine.  I think I have taken it.  But, it's not too much of a difficulty even if not.  Diet is... helping that, a lot.  Blood sugar is high, but that is due to illness.  Stress hormones being adjusted from pain, illness, and whatnot. Still, it's staying below 140, for now.  Mid 130's as highs, low hundreds when lower.

I can't eat.  I'd love to eat, I just... I don't trust that it would stay down.  Even drinking... I'd rather not.  I drank what was left over from yesterday, as well as water, and a vinegar electrolyte tonic.  Nothing fancy, just trying to cut the thirst, and get hydration going.  Even that seems to be pushing it.  Didn't directly cause nausea, but... reminded me that it's there.

Ugh.  So horrible.  Sounds like it's raining, or the snow is thawing?  Drip, drop, pitty-pat.  Tin roof.  But, it... does make a pretty sound... sounds.  I do enjoy it.  Whether rain or hail or thawing snow, I... enjoy the sound.

I hear people who hate this, and hate that.  But me?  I try, and often do, enjoy the sounds.  The train, though to be fair it is a goodly distance?  I like it.  I remember living across the street from it.  Ugh.  Once you got used to it, it was okay.  But that was a little tight.  The drops of rain?  The sounds of vehicles going by?  Accept, enjoy even, now.  I have to imagine that, going around hating everything that one hears or senses, has to be... difficult.  I... don't have a difficult life.  Even when I am nearly sick to death.  While I don't enjoy it, I... don't hate it.  Well, and there is always hope that, this time, God will let me go home.

If not?  Well, I'll get back to it.  There is always next time?  Or never.  I don't mind living, even if I have to fight for it.  Even if I lose, in spite of not losing.  I'm... good.  Good night, again, I think.

When better isn't?

.

.

Oh, so much better.  But that level of better is simply not enough to truly call it better?  And, yet, it really is.

I hurt so bad after making a call, calling things off, then heading to bed.  Nausea was so terrible.  I wanted to throw up.  I wished for it, all but begged for it.  But it wouldn't happen.  So miserable, in other ways too.  Tired, so tired it hurt.  And yet getting to sleep was a treacherous experiment in living and dying.  A bit of a headache, my body hurt but not in an achy way.  I can't even explain how it hurt.

Ill.

.

.

So very sick.  I had plans for yesterday, then this afternoon.  Not possible.  I am having trouble just taking water in.  Nausea is something awful.  Tired, dizzy, not... going to be up for very long.  I will make some calls, let people know.  And... it won't be better soon.

I'll reset for a check Monday.  If possible, we will make plans then.  But... not promises.  I may sleep until then, or nearly.  I am in very bad shape.  Medicine?  When possible.  I'm... going down, hard, fast, roughly.  I'll take a bucket up, in case I need to vomit.  Feel like it, not sure it will happen.  Would rather have something up there, just in case.  Not sure I could make it down in time.  Messy, if not.  Messy even if so, possibly.  Ugh.

I'll try to wake, from time to time.  To feed Sassy, to take medicine, to get some fluids in.  But... no promises.  I'm in very bad shape.  Later.

Up, but so late.

.

.

I... meant to be up, yesterday, around ten to noon?  I wasn't able to wake until around 18:00?  And, that because people were knocking and calling.  A lot of them, several times.  Didn't make sense to me, until it did.  Or I wouldn't have awaken even then.  Brutal.

Then?  I went back to bed around midnight?  Crazy, but after two days of sleep, mostly, yea.  I could only stay up about six hours.  I thought, for those things, that I would wake up... earlier today.  Nope.  Just waking around noon, and just barely.  Brutal.  Infection?  Antibiotics?  The pain?  I... don't know.  But I am so very tired I can even, now, just barely be awake.

Nothing fancy.

.

.

Burger, with gravy.  Hot spices, a bit of garlic powder, dry chives just for something... green?  It does add just a touch of something.  The gravy was simpler.  But I'd like to add cream cheese, make it just a bit... more.  In a way, it is fancier.  But, really?  It's the minimum needed.

Back to gaming.  Hmm, might have some yogurt.  I do have a bit of the raw greek yogurt?  If so, I might have a touch of that.  It's not my favorite, but will do.

Wow.

.

.

I had planned to be awake... much earlier.  But no.  I had an arrangement this afternoon.  Missed it.  Ugh.  Got some calls and visits.  Answered the last visit.  Explained, a bit.

Was still stressed from the appointment this morning, the one I canceled?  My leg still hurts from that last appointment.  And, yes, I was... stressed.  Which, probably, is why I slept.  Slept pretty much the whole day.  Only awake now for phone calls and knocking... which... eventually woke me up.  Ugh.

Canceled.

.

.

I had to cancel.  While technically awake, and in time.  To get a shower in, dress, and be there on time, would have been... unlikely.  I could have rescheduled.  But, honestly, I don't know when I will be awake and functiong.  More?  After that last appointment?  I'll not go see a doctor for this problem again.  If the infection continues, I may ask to go back in.  But, even that, won't be a wound treament, just for more or different antibiotics.

I simply won't allow torture passing for medical care to happen.  I already feel so much better.  I will take my morning pills and go back to bed.  Took a few calls, but lucked out and got the right one the second time.

Oh well.

.

.

I got to bed shortly before 18:00.  Wasn't sure I would sleep.  Did.  Well.  But for only about three hours.  Right as it was about to click over to 21:00, I awoke.  On the good side, it was just four hours since my last antibiotic.  So, that goes down the hatch, four I think, today.  Irregularly.  My timing is a bit off.  But... close enough?  I guess.

The leg.  It hurts.  Brutal.  It has scabbed over, well.  And, is warm.  In spite of whatever else?  That antibiotic has taken care of... that problem, and probably some others?  If, too, it is thrashing me harshly.  Whatever was wrong?  That fixed some things, and continues to fix some things.  I've probably had some underlying issues for a very long time.

Rough.

.

.

Nausea?  A sort of it.  Have you ever eaten something, only to have your body refuse to digest it?  That... stone in the belly feeling?  The stupid thing?  I haven't eaten anything.  Well, coffee, but that's a liquid.

I have a steak salting.  I am going to give it an hour.  Well, salt and pepper.  Not too much, just enough... for it's size.  Soon, though, I'll fry it, and eat it.

Earlier, yet still late?

.

.

Yes.  But it seems so dark, too, out there.  In here.  Dark.  And cool, almost cold.  No matter the heat setting.  Ugh.

I went to bed before midnight.  Was hoping to wake earlier.  It was 10:30 when I gout up and going.  But really pushed for earlier.  Tomorrow?  I'll set an alarm, and try to be to bed by 20:00, 22:00 at the latest?  Try.  I'm going to fight to get my days, mornings, back fully.  And then keep them.  It will be a fight.

Sometimes...

.

.

Pork, beef, chicken... sometimes it is bad.  Sometimes it is good.  And, once in a rare time, it is excellent.  Is it the cooking, the thawing process?  Was it secured, for good or ill, in the packing process?  I just can't say.  All I know is, when it is good, when it was packed right, thawed correctly, stored correctly, cooked as it should be?  It can be absolutely delicious.

I ended up having the pound of pork, if with bone in.  I fried it, pan fried it.  And it came out absolutely delicious.  It wasn't overdone, dry.  But it was done through and through.  It didn't have that grainy texture pork can sometimes have.  It was juicy, had a nice bite, salted just right, and good in every way.

That leg still sure hurts.

.

.

Why?  Well, I don't care.  I just know that, sometimes, it feels like it's on fire.  I went without socks, even though it was very cold yesterday.  Today, socks.  No bandage either day.  But, it has scabbed over.  But it hurt both days, no matter what I do.  I am still hoping to get a showed today.  Always hope.  And, sometimes, more.  God gifted us with hope, plus faith and charity.  Not... just for worship, but for life too.

Blood sugar is 103.  I had some coffee first, leftover from yesterday.  It... can increase blood sugar.  I suspect it did.  Still, okay.

Okay.

.

.

Blood sugar dropped to 93.  Always glad to see that.  For my good behavior, and just because, I am finally having a couple cups of bone broth.  Chicken arrived today.  I used some of that, with the cup left of open beef bone broth.  Some salt, hot spices, and cream as well.  Very nice.

My stomach hurts.  Literally, to the touch.  As if I was recently punched.  Can antibiotics do that?  Or did I bump into something, run into something, fall on my stomach, but not remember?  It really hurts.  Very strange.  I did only take three pills today, because of overdosing of late.  Reducing dosage won't cause that sort of problem.  But, the medicine itself might?

I was wondering.

.

.

Have I been taking too many antibiotics?  Well?  I had to count.  But, maybe.  Or, if the number they had was correct... if they started with forty, as written on the label?  Then... yes.  I am three pills ahead.  Just... had a sense that I was... off.  I'm three pills ahead.  So I am skipping tonight.  Or... more... I am not taking a fifth today?  Right.  

I'm not sure how I got so off, but... part of it was the pain.  When you are in a lot of pain, hitting the gas just happens.  Then, the medicine itself can throw you.  Or me.  That antibiotic is... rather potent.  Between that, else, and wanting to make sure I take the pills, I just overdid a bit.

Coffee?

.

.

And steak!  Oh... love that.  Could only eat half the steak.  But enjoyed the whole half!?!  Something like that.  The rest will be for later, or tomorrow.  I'd still like to try to eat more.  Either frying the burger, or pork chops.  Half a pound more, if I can eat more.  But sure enjoyed some food.  And coffee.

Looked around the internet a bit.  People doing their things.  I'm not worried, even if there are those who would come after me, or some of us.  It... just doesn't matter.  I just hope, if I get to be a martyr, that I can... be a good one.  I'm not sure I feel the need to be hung upside down on a cross, if it gets to that.  That seems... a bit of a drama queen thing.  Just... break me on that wheel the old fashioned way.  It's good enough.  If, too, I do understand the sentiment.  Not... knocking it, completely.  It just isn't my gig.  Though, too, choices may not be offered, and what is given is what is gotten.  Usually?

A bit of gaming, next.  Then a shower.  Then I'll check to see if the ironing board is in.  Then... on to finding the irons.  If all works, perhaps a start on ironing yet today?  Or... getting it set up anyway?  We'll see.

A bit ill.  From the antibiotics, from the wound, from winter, from health of lack of it, if still having moments of nausea just from the debriding.  But there are a lot of things still pushing nausea.  I am surprised I don't toss my cookies two or three times a day.  Would it feel better?  After consuming draino, and chunking that a few times, and the burning from that up and down?  I... haven't been able to vomit easily since.  I have, a few times.  But... it's rare.  And difficult.  Which is the only reason I haven't been tossing.  Still, my body really wants to, it just can't quite get over that... difficulty.

Still, I am enjoying the coffee and steak.  What of it I could eat.  I'll get the rest put up, probably for tomorrow.  And, hopefully, get some burger (probably) fried up for later.  A strange diet, but it works.  Mostly.  Later.

Awake.

.

.

Getting to it?  Maybe, a bit of a start, shortly?

Blood sugar first thing.  Finally, it is... improving as it should.  It is 99 fasting.  Good enough.  I'll take that any day of the week, fasting or later in the day.

Just a bit more out there.

.

.

A few hours ago, that is.  I got back out there, and did just a bit more cleaning up with the scoop.  It really did go a lot more smoothly this second time.  Nice.  The sidewalks, and a place along the driveway, were just clearer better.  The ice that remained was more easily removed.  Only parts of the driveway wouldn't clear all that well.  Better, not as well as the sidewalks.

It was down to thirty two when I got out that last time.  Not... bad.  But it was going from thawed to freezing, and it was showing.  Colder.  The electric vest made that an easy thing though.  But I was getting tired.  Between the infection and the antibiotics, I'm tired.  Still, got to a few things.

Some starts.

.

.

Not much physical?  Mostly.  I did get out to check the walks, and drive.  It's 40 F out there!  With eight to twelve inches of snow.  The sky cleared off.  Bright and shiny, like a cold white beach.  So very bright.  I cleared the path, scooped off a few places where it iced over... and has thawed.  There were some places which just wouldn't lift.

I did what I could.  In spite of being forty, it... sure feels colder.  I wore out pretty quickly.  But, at least I took off some of the ice.  And cleared more furter out, so it won't be as likely to drain back in to some areas, then freeze over again.  I may get back out there again this evening.  If we get something, any time soon, it will be rain.  But, it will go cold and freezing shortly after, or as it grows dark.  This is the part of winter that is most frightening.  Thankfully I don't liver where flooding is more likely.  But, when discussing biblical stages of flooding, no one is safe.

A really good morning.

.

.

Everything, around the edges of my brain, is a bit fluffy.  Antibiotics, but too, it's doing it's thing.  And well.  A little price to pay is worth it.  The pain in my leg is lessening?  A bit.  It's still there, very sharp from time to time.  But, less.  Less severe, less frequent, for shorter spells.  Not... necessarily a good sign, but it is a change.  And, one can hope.

Up twenty before eight, or so.  Can't be sure when I went down.  I am all but certain it was after 19:30.  And, probably, well after.  Into 20:00? 21:00?  If I was up to 22:00, I didn't make it later.  I just... can't be sure.  If I had to guess I would say between 19:30 and 20:30, but I just don't know.  And, yeah, I was looking.  Down here, up there when I went down.  Just... short term memory is fritzed, either from antibiotics, the infection, both, maybe more.  Winter just turned... winter.

Yeah, okay.

.

.

The antibiotics are rough.  I feel like I have been drinking.  I haven't had a drink for... a year, two... three?  It's... been a goodly long time.  Every six months to year and a half, I had been buying some beer.  It was coming due when Budweiser pissed on their shoes.  No, I... never drank B. light.  Or any light beer.  But, it didn't matter.  Further, if that is the way corporations are going, they are going there without me.

I've dumped McDonalds, even Wendy's (though as much for cost as else with the latter).  All the rest.  As much because they are going woke as anything else.  I do wonder if corporations are trying to chase off better people, to bring in the ones they want to eliminate.  Sure, there are blacks and browns on the boards, but Uncle Tom's have been betraying their own forever.

It's warmed up!

.

.

From four to eight, F.  Bleh.  Snowing.  At a pace of about an inch an hour, or more?  We are supposed to get hit hard.  Today.  A day off.  Then hit hard again through the next week.  Daily, for the next most of the next week.  As well, it's supposed to go from a frigid hard snow, to a slushy rain snow mix.  Ugh.  That is the worst of things, especially in mountain and higher elevations.

It looks like, again, we will get as we got last year.  To be honest, we were getting it.  But in the form of rain.  December was rather warm.  So it wasn't accumulating, showing as snow depth.  But we were getting it.  I thought so, but... it's... more difficult to be certain when it is in the form of rain.

Up, reasonably.

.

.

Sleep wasn't all that good.  Pain, now and again, would wake me.  Harshly.  And, really, I never went without hurting through the night, small or large, asleep or awake.  But I did get some rest in there.  I took it, it wasn't given, offered, or generally just available.

Down about a quarter after twenty two hundred, up a quarter to six.  I looked outside, to see if we got more snow.  While we hadn't, we are.  It is coming down in almost a wave.  Heavy, thick, fast.  And it is still cold out there, right at four if my morning eyes saw clearly.

Hmm?

.

.

Blood sugar has been slightly elevated all day.  Stress?  Maybe, from the pain.  But, yes.  Annoying.  Still, just around 126, give or take a few points.  Annoying.

A different game, to play.  Can't focus enough to play the other one.  This one, again, having to learn everything from scratch.  Survival, of sorts.  But, instead of space ships to ride?  Dinosaurs.  Something... different anyway.

Ugh.

.

.

It's a rough day.  I need... something.  Coffee?  Food was good.  couldn't eat much.  Well spiced, good enough.  But... couldn't eat much.  A bit of a fever, for real?  If so, a slight one.  But... maybe.  Pain, cold, fever, sort of a minor bad way in every direction.  Well, no body aches, if the ankle wound is still pretty rough.  Worse from time to time, better about half the time.

Yeah, I think I'll make coffee.  Then, probably, a mug of bone broth, heated, and spiced to high heaven.  With cream in there.  Well, and butter, if that usually, at least for me, generally goes without saying.

Nausea.

.

.

All morning.  Didn't want to drink, or eat, anything.  Not just nausea, a bit feverish?  Or... like that.  Not quite with a fever, just how that feels when I've had one.  Especially with nausea.  Can't throw up, don't have anything in there.

Still, going to try to eat something.  Drink?  No coffee.  That's just too heavy.  I'll take aspirin, with caffeine, for my fix.  Extra spice, the hot stuff, that makes life easier, somehow.  Not sure why, but it just does.  And, later, probably some bone broth, also with hot spices, and extra extra.  It... settles my stomach, strangely.

Finally got some sleep.

.

.

Still hurts like hell, but... I think I got down sometime between four and six.  Was so tired, though, tracking the exact time wasn't possible.  And, it still hurt, waking me through sleep.  Though, finally waking at between ten and ten thirty?  Sometime in there.

Blood sugar wasn't as bad as I had worried, at 115 fasting.  Between the pain stress, lack of good sleep, and veggies last night, I had some worries that it would be higher.  Very surprised it isn't as high as it has been the last few days.  I'll take it, gladly, if I hope it improves back to where it was for... a goodly? or short? while?

Parent.

.

.

Child.

Wretching.

.

.

Nearly.  Woke in such pain I almost threw up.  Had to get out of bed.  Wrap up for warmth and some comfort, or attempt at it.

Torture.  I won't let a doctor touch that leg ever again.  Not without anesthetizing it.  I wonder if they found out I am a double breed.  Perhaps that is a group that is still allowed to be hated?  Even a dog would be given something for the pain.  Well, that or they read here and are serious groid lovers.  I could see that too.  I wonder how they would feel about them if they had been raised by a hateful alcoholic abusive one of them?  Yea, they know nothing.  When it comes for them, we'll see how long they stay liberal.

Oh... that leg.  Wow.  Imagine you have a wound, and someone takes a steel brush and a drill to it.  Right.  Look with the eyes, keep the hands in the back pockets.  If I wanted torture, I'd become a pow.  No, no I think not.

Another thing to consider... of concern.

.

.

Even if my cheat was more into the keto territory, I worried that maybe the carrots had increased blood sugar.  Here, as I get ready for bed, and took the last antibiotic for the day, I decided to check that.

Always something, right?  Still, even if it was up, it wouldn't be as bad as if I had stopped for a burrito, or beef roast sandwich, or had half a dozen donuts and a half gallon of milk.  Right.  Right?  As it turns out, this time, that is right.  At 109 it's... a bit higher than the last read.  But, for having eaten an extra meal in the day, besides the veggie tray, it's not bad.

OMG that hurt.

.

.

I did get in to see the doctor.  Pretty quick, all told.  There was someone else there, a family.  Non-English speaking.  But, that was it.  I was a bit surprised.  I suppose people have completely backed out of seeing doctors.  Often, like even me, stalling these things.  Just... don't trust doctors anymore.

After today, I'm more certain I don't trust doctors.

Whew.

.

.

I just had this feeling that blood sugar wouldn't drop.  That I'd be here, with egg on my face.  But, no.  It went down.  It is 107.  A twenty nine point drop, which is about what I have been seeing.  Though why, some days and not others, it is in the 130s?  That I can't quite understand.  Still, it's... good enough.  For now.  Will work on lowering even that little bit.

Hungry?  Yes, but with nausea too.  Still, I'm going to have a bit more burger crumble and gravy.  I'd like to cook something else, but I'm just not up to it.  I think I can keep the burger crumble and gravy going, and it is... satisfying enough.  The gravy, as mentioned, is using the burger juices, cream, cream cheese, sour cream, salt, and bone broth.  It really is delicious.

Experimenting.

.

.

With blood sugar in the 130's, and foods/drinks bringing it down, I wanted to see if I could isolate what was bringing it down, specifically.

So, I went with what I suspected wasn't changing anything first.  Two days of experiments, and?  And, what I thought doesn't bring it down, didn't.  Is what I suspect going to bring it down?  I'll find out shortly.  Two data points aren't surety, but with past experience and a general sense, it'll be enough.

Up at three.

.

.

And, yes, I vacuumed.  The upstairs.  I wanted to do the steps, but the collector is full, and I need to figure out how to empty it without making a mess!  Stupid thing.

Sassy was fed first thing, in part because I forgot her last feeding last night.  And... she was hungry!  Her belly was growling this morning.  Wow.  Okay.

She... knows.

.

.

Lots of pops.  Here are a few.  Had to laugh.

So wanted to stay up a little later.

.

.

Still, it's nearing 16:00.  It'll be past that by the time I finish this, get upstairs and ready for bed, then tuck in.  But not by much.  I wanted to make it an hour or two later.  It just isn't going to happen.

Did have another coffee.  Weaker, mostly just for warmth.  It did warm me, but that sure passes quickly.  I... have just gotten used to the fact that, for most of the year, I will be cool to cold.  Such a... different thing.  I finally understand not just that old oriental woman, but most of my women.  They were always such cold little things.  I'm a massive thing, I shouldn't be cold.

Didn't hear them.

.

.

Then again, they aren't here to talk.  Just... clear the driveway.  It's a gift, talking is extra.  I... try to remember, and stay inside.  So as not to bother, or lengthen the process.  I... get it.  I just forget, sometimes.  Still, thankful.

Some burger crumble, heated.  It had some gravy in it.  Added a bit of sour cream, and some cheese.  Keeping extras to a minimum in hopes of countering the slight right in blood sugar.  Then, have had a few sips of water, as well as a dose of bone broth.  Both the broth and burger got treated with hot stuff.  But I'm just not tasting it, mostly.

I checked blood sugar, expecting the same, or a bit higher.  Was pleasantly surprised to see it at 100.  Okay.  Frustrated, with it's odd ups and downs.  But, really?  A 133, even fasting?  Is pretty good.  I just... my problem is I don't know what little thing is causing the ups.  I don't need to worry about the downs.  I just... want to try to do my part to keep it down.  Maybe, just maybe, those little bumps up?  Have nothing to do with what I am doing.  It just... happens?  Either until I completely get over being diabetic, or until something else improves?  Or, just maybe, it will always have little bumps in it.  Even that high.  I guess I'll find out over time.

Still pretty chilly.

.

.

Even so, I finished the shoveling.  I had most of the snow out of that area, but, being so deep, it really needed a second attempt to clear.  Which it go.  And, I then scooped a path to the front walk, and cleared that.  The wind has died to an occasional breeze, a stoppage, then a short sustained gust.  But... it's still cold.

Just getting to coffee now.  Tasty, and warm.  Though I do worry if they are adding sugar or flavorings to the coffee.  I'll have to call in to the company and check.  Not sure they will be honest though.  It seems like the government is worried people will stop eating and drinking bad things, so have started pushing companies into adding ingredients, without having to identify them?  Seriously, I think they are poisoning food any way they think they can.  Sugar isn't just an addiction, it's a poison.  At least, as much as alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, and such are.

Snow indeed.

.

.

Hard to tell, exactly, how much was gotten.  Wind.  It's still windy, but has stopped snowing.  Definitely wasn't shnowing!  Nine inches?  I don't think so.  More like six inches?  Though, as mentioned, where it stacks depends on wind, how much, which direction, and such.  No way to really tell, where I was working.  Though, usually, the deepest part is more likely to be what fell.  Which... is more like six inches?  Or so.

And, none of it melted off.  It is fluff, top to bottom.  No ice underneath, no sludge.  Just powder.  But it is heavy.  Ugh.  I cleared five to seven feet from the garage out.  Had to come in.  My hands were absolutely freezing!  Checked the temperature, because of such serious cold.  It is 20.  Ah, but the wind.  Yea.  And, at least when I was coming in, it was a solid wall, and probably fifteen to twenty knots?  So, okay.  At first I thought I'd lost my Iowa earned winter balls!  But, no.  With that sort of wind, especially since the air it is moving is even colder than standing?  Yea.  It's... cold enough for me to have been a bit whiny.  Still, I'll be back out shortly.  Want to finish cleaning that area, then scoop to the front path, and open the sidewalk from the drive to the front door.  Hopefully that will... help anyone who ends up clearing the rest of the drive.  Or I am stuck.  No way can I clear the rest of the drive.

Better, worse, good, bad, so be it.

.

.

To bed just before 16:00.  Or, I headed up then.  Undressing, setting up things to charge, dressing for bed, tucking in... it all takes a while.  Still, probably to sleep before 16:00, by between five and twenty minutes.  I just... can't remember.  Not sure I looked though, either.  Some nights I forget.

Dreams, of girlfriends I had before... I had girlfriends?  Something like that.  A girl named Lisa, in the third grade.  Michelle, but she was... just a wanted friend, I think both ways.  We never were friends.  Her parents were teachers.  I was different, aggressively against the system even then, and not willing to abide the "chosen ones".  Not a bully myself, but I could, and did, absolutely crush the bully boys, even standing up to their much older brothers and coming out ahead.  Not in combat, but combat is only half of the thing.  As... I taught them.  When your peers are against you, even the ones you typically bully, the gig is up.

Strange.

.

.

I just had yogurt.  Say... a cup?  Plain, no additives on their or my end.  Or... so the label suggests.  Not my absolute favorite, but... it's... something I can tolerate.  And, with food being difficult to get in, I'll take what I can get.  Still, I pushed my blood sugar check.  Fifteen minutes after eating isn't a good time, but... I wanted it done.

It is 104?  Never mind.  I don't understand how that works, lately.  But I'll take it.  Nothing but water, and the last of my coffee, for the day.  Still, given the givens, I was able to eat a bit more, better, today.  I'll keep trying.

One can only hope.

.

.

I finally broke down and ordered the ironing things... on a card.  Not much room on the card.  But, that... is that.  It is supposed to be here within a week, we'll see.  I'll see if I can find my irons, and get those going.  Unused, so they should be in good shape.  I did test them, just didn't use them much.

Further, I have spray bottles specifically for ironing.  The irons have tanks, and can be used that way.  But hard water is hard on those.  Even "gooder" water will eventually rust them out.  So, I went with spritzers, of the non-gay or effeminate kind.  :p  Well, as much as ironing can be manly.  And... it can be.  Ask any Jarhead.  Mostly.

Dinner, and a hot drink, was served.

.

.

Bone broth.  Sure enjoy that.  I don't think I'll do coffee again, until cream arrives.  Sour cream... will do.  In an extreme pinch.  But... ugh.  Goes well in the broth, from time to time.  Even then, I wouldn't want it every time.  Oh, but the variations of bone broth serving is wonderful.  Start with butter, and extra salt.  Then add nothing, or cheese, sour cream, whole raw whipping cream, hot spice, even burger, or shredded beef, pork, chicken, and probably leftover fish?  Almost anything, or just about nothing.  Need the salt though.

The burger, with butter, cream cheese, sour cream, and some bone broth was the real winner.  Delicious.  I added my hot stuff, but didn't get much of a... heat profile.  So, I added more.  Nope.  I'm just not feeling it today.  I didn't even just add the hottest one.  I added carolina reaper, habanero, cayenne, regular pepper flakes, and black pepper!  Or white?  If I think white is hotter?  Anyway... almost no heat.  Very odd.

Oh, ouch.

.

.

It's cold out there, boys and girls.  I am dressed for a blizzard.  Clear as a bell, cold as a Scandinavian belle.  Nice.  It's 4 (F, -16 C) out there.  Sort of surprised me.  Then again, now I understand why I still feel cool, with electric heated pants on, as well as layers and else.  That sort of cold seeps in.  If you don't live in winter places, or don't have the money to heat a place as you would like, you just don't understand.

The cold gets into what I call the corners of the house.  You can't escape it.  Oh, I... have my furnace set to 74.  It doesn't matter.  Though, this front room isn't heated, so...  It gets some, from the rest of the house.  But not that much.  And, when it is very cold out, it's... rather cool in here.

Still rough.

.

.

Laundry beat me up.  But it wasn't just laundry.  Doing dishes, showering, and else.  Even if only bits per day, on various days, with days off.  The carnivore diet is stull beating me like a red-headed step child.  

I woke at four this morning.  Started waking at three.  Could have gotten up then.  But wanted to try to sleep longer.  And did.  Sassy has been fed.  I'm having coffee.  No cream, out.  Am using sour cream in there.  It's not perfect, but... it'll do for a short bit.

Still awake.

.

.

It is 14:30, or 14:28, depending on which clock is right.  Bah!  Thought I'd check the last device... 14:29!  Never mind.

Ah... walked away for a bit.  An hour?  Time flies while I... lose track of things.

A very good meal.

.

.

More steak.  Why?  It was thawed, and sounded good.  I'm out of steak for a while.  No, more in the freezer.  But I don't want to take more out.  I'd like what I have to last three months, then begin looking for more, say two or three months out, begin looking for a better price.  Buy several types, as I find better prices, over time.  Probably similarly with burger.

The cookie cutters arrived, today.  No cookies will be cut, but big burgers will be made.  And some smaller burgers.  quarter and half pounders, for now.  These may be too large for my wants.  I'm not sure if the guy giving this advice was used to metrics, and totally wiped on size, or what.  But 4 1/2" diameter seems a bit too large.

Good morning.

.

.

I didn't make it to bed until 17:45, give or take a decade of minutes, if I think that is pretty accurate.  But, you know, when you've been up a long day, been pushing work efforts for a week, it's winter, dark or getting there, and... all else?  Short term memory can suck.  Still, I think so.

Then I woke right before two, 1:57, 1:52, 1:xx... a few minutes before.  I just can't be sure.  Actually?  I thinks it was 1:56, when I rolled over.  How long did it take me to actually get up, getting going, and leave?  I think it was nearly immediate, as in within a minute.  But I... can't swear to that, either.

Something is a bit off.

.

.

I finally got that last load dried.  I had to let it go a second time.  Which... really didn't surprise me.  On the good side, the washer is open to air out for a bit, after running ten, twelve?, loads in the last few days.  The dryer is empty, and dry.  I'll take the clothes up when I go up, if I probably won't mess with them for the moment.  In the morning?  Maybe, at least to sort?  Maybe.

As to problems?  Soft stools.  Not diarrhea, thank heavens.  Just and odd, and too frequent, need to go.  And it being diarrhea-like.  And burning a bit?  Bah.  Probably the infection.  Or that could be a part of it.

Well? I must be tired.

.

.

It isn't almost 16:00.  I was looking right at my watch, checking the time, and... somehow I saw what wasn't there.  It is, just now, nearly an hour later, hitting 14:45?  How did that happen?  Dunno.  But, yes, I am a toaster today.  Drinking coffee, but had some earlier.

No, I just think I have been pushing things.  I am tired, infected, sore, sleepy, and more.  All good.  It's okay to be off by a bit, from time to time?  Aye.  But what gets me is that I... couldn't read what my eyes were clearly seeing.  I don't mind some of my problems.  I do mind that sort of problem.  Which, I think, is fairly rare.

No return call so far.

.

.

I had to have coffee.  I was already getting a headache just thinking about no more coffee.  I had enough, here, for another pot or two.  One if it went large.  After returning, I ground some of the new, but had forgotten about the old.  So I used that in one massive pot.  Four, five doses.  Maybe six.  I usually only use two or three.  So... yes.  

Oh, but the new coffee smells delicious.  The last time I was in, there was only one darker roast to choose from.  I... took what I could get.  This time they were ALL dark roast, double french!  Nice.  I took my time, picking through this and that.  Smelling various ones.  Oh... I picked two which should be absolutely wonderful.  The one I have, from last time, is... fine.  It's simple.  Without a lot of "notes".  But it is good coffee.  Still, I am really wanting to get on to taste these new roasts.

A good start.

.

.

I checked.  He was arriving.  So, I got out and shoveled the sidewalk, and a bit before the garage.  One, just because that isn't plowable, the other because it makes plowing easier.  And... I... like to feel like I helped.  And, I did!  Very little, but... a man has his pride.

He cleared the deck, nicely.  And the running boards to either side.  So nice.  I brought him a salted bone broth.  Since he can't have coffee, and I can't even have hot cocoa because it's sweet, that is what I could do.  On the good side, I think he enjoyed it.  Something warm, and healthy, it's what I could offer, so did.

A few things moving forward.

.

.

A bit more laundry through.  A bit more started.  But I think that will be it for laundry today.  One of the things finished, was washing and drying the 'travel' towels.  I wasn't sure who well they would work.  When dry, one was folded back up and put into it's carry case.  The other was set out for use.

Showers.  Oh my word.  Those are some of the most delicious things I know.  Especially now that food just isn't... of interest.  Long, hot, cleaning everywhere, thrice.  Almost napped in there.  As to the towel?  I am sure the other one will work similarly.  And, yes, it worked very well.  Easier to use than the turkish, if there is still something about those.

Nice how it can work!

.

.

It was 16:15 when I crawled in to bed.  I looked as I was turning over.  Already dark?  Dark enough.  And, on to sleep.

I was worried I wouldn't sleep long.  I have been waking around 21:30 lately, seemingly no matter how hard or long into the day I could make it.  But, I think, I was just sleeping eight to nine hours, but wanted more.  There are times when I can sleep longer.  There are times I can't.  I couldn't.

May make it to 16:00?

.

.

Mostly because I have had a load of laundry... being quirky.  It just wouldn't drain fully.  I set it to drain and spin.  That didn't do it.  So ran it on a normal load (it had been on hand wash).  That did it.  I am drying one part that can't take almost any heat.  A fluff run.  Enough to, hopefully, get it to then air dry?  I'll see.

Then, the rest will go in, with some heat.  I'd like to be up until everything is as dry as it gets.  Not sure that will happen.  Still, it's... been good.

A few things.

.

.

I took my glasses upstairs.  I have... a place for those.  Set up, put away... for if, when, needed.  They were okay, in the bubble containers they arrived in.  But... they weren't all together.  Or... could easily have been lost, bit by pair.  And, it would have happened.  So, I... bought a container.  All good.

As well, I have been keeping up on laundry.  What has been done, was taken up.  And separated.  That which can be folded, has been.  Certain types of shirts, underwear... not sock this time, or yet.  Or not many.  I think there were some, they were mostly unpairable, but have been put where they belong.

Doing fairly well.

.

.

I'm not doing a lot?  But, I have pushed four loads of laundry through.  About to push a fifth.  All cottons, darks.  I do mix textures, as I think that helps cleans better.  I suppose if I had even more of each type, regularly?  I might, then, consider separating, say, jeans from tshirt type material.  But I just don't have the volume.  Even in this massive do everything wash day... week that is.

This isn't even everything.  This is just everything that was upstairs, in the bathroom, or already back in the washroom.  I had... a lot of clothes, and bedding, sitting around upstairs.  And I have more, if that is stacked, folded, sorted, and such.  I'll still probably wash that, as the drawers arrive.  If they work.  I'll pull everything up there, and wash, dry, and fold that all over again.

Not... horrible.

.

.

Sort of shot.  Pushing the last few days, getting out today.  The infected leg?  All sort of a problem... problems.  But I won't quite give up.

Dinner.  The leftover burger and mushrooms, with added sour cream, cream, cream cheese, butter, and hot spices.  Good enough.  The remnants of the coffee.  But, that is being saved for later.  Right now, just water.  I... like water.

A few things?

.

.

Experimenting, with life.  How to make life... quicker, easier, reduced, better?

I doubt if there is a way to perfect life.  All one can do is make life a bit simpler, slightly easier, and bit more manageable, and such?  But, there is a trade-off.  Always trade-offs.  You don't get better, faster, cheaper, easier.  Not without a price, and probably a variety of costs.  The question?  Can you, will you, afford those costs, prices, trade-offs?

Awake, finally?

.

.

For the moment.  I fed Sassy first thing, as she was a very good girl and had brought me a mouse!  She gets... priority when she is a super girl cat!  I give her a lot of attention, loves, feels, and food.  I encourage... the behavior.  I love my little killer.  As mentioned, that's... part of the reason I have cats, not a dog.  I love how they do.  It makes us... kindred.

Blood sugar is high.  At 119 fasting.  But... I... had tacos.  So... shut it!  Ugh.  Why?  They were horrible.  But I was so hungry, and out.  And, really?  There isn't good food out there.  I thought about buying a steak, instead.  But then I'd have to cook it, and I was shot.  Oh well.  We'll see the true damage tomorrow, if the read stays high, or gets higher.  Ugh.

Teeth cleaning.

.

.

It's been five years.  They required a mask, I couldn't wear one.  So... I went without.  Local, too.  So no long drive.  Good thing I called yesterday.  Was, really, just hoping I hadn't missed it.  Could have, have, not this time.  But, it was an early morning, or for me very late night, appointment.

They are... impressed?  A little redness.  But no real issues beyond that.  Most of you have a little redness even if you go regularly, and care for your teeth.  I haven't been caring for my teeth.  At some point, you just give up.  Not even bleeding.

Someone, else, is awake.

.

.

Old tunes.  Strange they come back.  Life hurts.  But it's... beautiful.  Worth living for, dying for.  Amen.

Had to check.

.

.

So I can get on to a nap.  Blood sugar.  I expected between 120 and 150?  Nope.  It was 96.  Down two points from fasting, an hour after eating?  Okay.  I'll take that any day I can get it.  Did only eat half the steak.  Just... couldn't put the rest in, down.  Wanted to.  Couldn't.  

Oh, heating up the sauce.  It got a bit thick, sitting in the pan.  As suggested, I'll put it in with the burger and mushrooms.  Eventually I'll make that sauce, and have a container of it just for steak and roast, or whatever.  I could see adding that to eggs.  Oh yes.

Wow.  I never thought I'd see 96, especially not right after a meal.  Or even 98 fasting.  I didn't think those things were still possible.  And?  I can eat all I want, if... there is a bit of a trick to that which I only half appreciate.  But I'll take it.  Since I'm not showering, I set a load of shirts, mostly, to go.  Sorted out some of the rest of the laundry.  Not quite all of it, but... half of it?  About that.  I probably have enough in there for... six to eight hefty loads, if I have enough of the right sorts.  I just don't mix cotton darks with synthetics.  Wools get their own, and synthetics can be separated into variations.  Whites?  Pretty much altogether, though... some things shrink, and are on the edge, so are done apart.  Ugh.

I do my best.  As a bachelor?  Well... so it goes.  I'd bet a woman would be much fussier.  I know some of my women absolutely refused to let me do the laundry.  I... couldn't see the difference, but they say they could.  If they really could?  Must... suck to have a vagina.  All I'm saying.  Ignorance, in other words, on some things, is bliss.  Later.

Just posting what I wrote two hours ago?

.

.

Aye.  Blogger up and quit.  No reason, or excuse.  It just died, there for a bit.  Okay.  I wasn't sure if it went through.  I attempted to post it right as it quit.  Looks like the earlier post didn't go through.  Find, it's through now?  Who ever knows.

Steak.  Fried in a pat of butter.  But those are so rich, or... something.  This time I made a minor pan sauce.  Sour cream, cream cheese, fresh cream, a bit of salt, and... I think that was it.  And, yes, it... did make the steak a bit less rich.  More edible.  However!  I still wasn't able to eat more than half.  Okay.  At least I can eat it more easily.  The rest of the sauce is going in with the burger and mushroom mix.  Oh, that'll... be tasty.

A new twist.

.

.

Sure, I know bone broth is good.  And, I know how to make it.  But, when completely toasted, that... just doesn't get done.  I know there are broths, commonly for sale.  The old common brands, most easily available.  But the ones I have tasted, easily available, were horrible.  Chemical flavors, strange things in the ingredients, and not even cheap.

So, I started looking.  I have heard about kettle & fire, for a long time.  But, to be honest, I... have doubted it.  What I am finding is that most "keto" or "carnivore" products, being pushed by... pushers... aren't good, aren't keto, aren't carnivore.  If your health is good, you can handle the junk.  But if you are on the edge of extinction, then no.  And you probably shouldn't, even if you are healthy.  It's all rigged against you.

Still... beside what I was hearing, I did my own digging.  It sure looked like the right stuff.  Suitable for when I can't do it myself.  So, finally, I went looking.  I found it at a price I... would buy it at.  And, so, I ordered several batches.  Amazon is taking a long time to ship.  No, I... get it.  Fuel is still up, and they are still trying to cover for past costs, when they weren't ready.  Really, that's just business.  Still, we... all want it here yesterday!

It arrived, and I put the packs in the fridge.  Had to have water, then brush my teeth, then wait a while.  I had half my coffee, then... wanted to try it.  Now, it has, to my taste, as someone who makes their own?  A blander taste straight up.  Notes and ideas of flavors.  So?  So, that is PERFECT!  That is exactly how my bone broth tastes.  I don't add a lot of salt, as that allows me to use it in a lot of ways.

Now, when I am drinking it, theirs or mine, I add fat... either butter (this time, with theirs) or whole cream, and I add salt.  Sometimes I will add garlic or onion powder.  Things like that.

Awake and... okay?

.

.

So nice to wake up in a clean room.  But the floor sure gets dirty quickly.  I... may have to figure something out that way.  House shoes, just for the upstairs?  I have flipflops, but don't were them upstairs because they are dangerous on the stairs.  For me.  But, a pair of full coverage slip-on shoes might work.  Nothing fancy, just... something to wear while up there.  But not down here, unless/until I clean these floors too.

The CDC keeps calling, asking me to join in some sort of town hall.  No.  I have no interest in talking to a corporate pharma crony, which only wants my approval for it's evil actions.  No.  They don't want my input, I've given that by completely ignoring their (continuing) false vaccine push, and everything else they do.  From that, to their suggestion that diabetics eat sugar, to...  They are, basically, anti-human.  They want us dead, they aren't in the business of health, or wellness.

Wanting to crash.

.

.

Just couldn't?  Something... not allowing it.  So, I was hoping to go long, into the day.  I made it to 14:00, and a lot, half?  three quarters? to the next hour?  Or so.  But... that isn't going to happen either.  At 8:06, I am about to crash.  Just... easing into it.

Hungry, very hungry.  And, yet, not.  I thought of ordering a pizza later.  But?  I realize: a) it wouldn't taste good.  Carby food just doesn't taste good now.  It really doesn't.  b) I would feel terrible after.  Gas, gi issues, lots of things just go wrong after I eat those foods. c), d), e), etc.  As well, I know that if I ate one such meal, I would end up eating two or three, maybe four.  While it doesn't taste good, and isn't good for me?  It is addictive.  For me, it's a lot like a drink.  I simply can't have just one.

Who goes there!?!

.

.

What a... strange response.  I'd... almost think... never mind.

You send them, I tally, and present.

Well...

.

.

So very tired.  I just... I wasn't sure I would get to anything that hadn't already been done.  But I so wanted the trash and recycling out.  Bottles, bottles, everywhere.  While I don't want to drink out of plastic, for now, it's what I can afford, and do.  And, so, I do.  Which means recycling.  Even if I know that is a lie.

I did get them policed, gathered, bagged, and with the rest of recycling, out.  And the last bag of trash, while at it.  Then both barrels to the curb.  Otherwise I was going to sit there, gaming, until I timed out.  I thought I might have timed out, but... no.  I... did get this, and Sassy fed.

Such a mood.

.

.

I don't understand it.  Maybe I pushed a little hard, in too many areas, all at once?  Maybe I enjoy the sweet pains of effort, and... they remind me of other sweet suffering?  I can't say, with certainty.  Only that a collection of songs built up, because they made sense.  To me.  Maybe they will... please the darker parts of your loving heart too.

Hmm?

.

.

I was having problems in the game.  I was playing a portion of the game, which is on a timer.  Days, to play a segment.  Eleven days?  Or so I thought it said, to start.  But it ended up being more like six or seven days?  You had to do things, find these types of creatures, scan various animals, planet types, etc.  And, visit five specific locations.

The problem is, it was nearing timing out.  And I hadn't found the fifth spot.  On and on, in the space game, I ported around.  Following a path?  To nowhere it seemed.  And, really, it was leading me to nowhere.  It seems, if you pass it by accident, or such... just don't see the maker on your travels, it will never lead you back.

Not even officially awake?

.

.

Aye, true that.  But, already to it.  The collection of socks, beside my bed?  That I put in a hamper?  I decided to sort those.  Those I am keeping, I will wash.  Those that are going I am pairing and putting in a box for the go.  A few years ago, I wouldn't have bothered.  Nobody needed.  Now?  Now people are hurting.  And, these socks are barely, or not actually, worn.  Tried various socks.  Most weren't actually sized up.

I got what I am keeping together, in the final basket, and down.  So, for now, everything that needs washed, from upstairs, is in the back room.  Most of what can be folded or paired is already... folded, paired, and put up.  Not ideally, in boxes, for now.  I'll see when I finish laundry, take down those folding tables, and check the system I have up, behind it.

Oh, that shower was to die for.

.

.

It's been... a while.  Just... first, I couldn't.  Then, I was so busy being busy, I had no time!  Ugh.  But, yes, today.  Today was the day, and a very good one.  Nice.

I had hoped to weigh in before showering.  And, maybe, being able to have a bm before hand, or at least pee.  Nope.  Last time it was 250, I think?  So, I... wasn't sure.  It was 248 before that.  Always... a bit nervous about getting on the scale.  Still, on the thing I got.  The number... I had to look twice, three times.  Scrunch to see, to make sure... 246.2?  That is... the lowest I have weighed since they put me on lithium in the Navy.  Wrong stuff.  They knew it.  Didn't care, weren't going to treat a bum heart in a young guy, and be in debt to his illness for the rest of his life?  Well... that... was the plan.  Anyway... so... okay.

Just a bite.

.

.

Burger, mushrooms, with just a bit of water, then with the cheese and sour cream.  Simple, mostly.  But very good.  Better than most of what I have been eating lately.  Forgot to spice it up, but will the next time I have it.  Very good, really.  Beef stroganoff, without the noodles... or rice... or whatever starch or carb one chooses.

Mostly just gaming, otherwise.  I think it was 23 out there, and it has snowed more.  But just a few inches, three?  Four at most, or what stuck.  Enough to get the plow to come through a few times.  On the main road.  Fair enough.

A good boy?

.

.

A very good boy.  I... didn't... I couldn't do much.  I knew that.  But, I wanted to get the bed made.  So, up I went.  It was more work than anticipated.  But went well.  Done.  Everything back in it's place, bedding wise.  The bed with fresh linen, blankets sorted, and the electric blanket on top.  I only use that occasionally, but it's a nice add even without power on.  Nice.  I'll set up my bedside when I go on up to sleep.  Just a few things to sort, simple.

But, as I was about to head down, wearied by my work, I... thought... I'd at least sort the shirts.  There are four types, five?  Six?  Something.  Long sleeved, and wool or flannel, and regular (cotton).  Short sleeved of t-shirt, polo, linen.  And some sleeveless, tanks and muscle.  I only folded the lighter, t-shirt, polos, and lighter long sleeved items.  Anything button down was set aside, in various groups.

I wanted to do more.

.

.

The bedroom?  It's... on my mind.  Clearing up that bit I did, between yesterday and earlier?  Oh... I... wanted more.  But, first, I took care of some more boxes down here.  Really ripping on the boxes.  Two thirds, if I were to guess.  A... start.  I kept going down here for the same reason I kept going up there.  It... looked better.  And, I thought it could look even better yet.  And it does.

After working here, I went up.  Thought I might not be able to work long.  And, really, couldn't.  But... long enough.  I set the beside stuff off, in a little bin.  But ready to be put back when... it's time.  Then I stripped the bed, moved the mats over to where they can air on both sides, each.  Then flattened the carpet, under the works.

Not a bad gig, for a start.

.

.

What with trash collected, and the last of it out... after resetting both litter boxes to scrub.  Then going through boxes, tearing many down as I went?  I got through... half, a third, of them?  Some not torn down, set aside for they are the right size.  But cleared and opened of debris... packing air bags and paper.  So, they will be ready when... it's time.  Then I grabbed five right sized boxes, a few smaller folds, some torn cardboard end pieces, and a few pallet boxes, for water.  I wanted several things to try.  I have a box cutter, and all the time in the world.

Then, upstairs.  I finished folding underwear, socks, and sorted out assorteds.  Boxing them as I went, with separators only needed in one of the three boxes in use, so far.  Should get another box going.  Some socks I'm just not keeping.  Still, pairing those, to give away.  Most of them are in exceptional condition.  I have been seeking socks that fit size sixteen shoes.  Believe it or else, if the socks are too small?  It... hurts the feet almost as much as if the shoe is too small.  So... yeah.

Ugh.

.

.

Changing cat litter almost did me in?  Well, I did have to reach over and back, to get a package of the stuff out.  And that stuff... weighs a nice little hefty lot.  Bend and reach, but got it.  Then emptying the old.  Much of it gone, but...  And, that required getting the kitchen big garbage bag out of the bigger bin.  Which... had a lot of stuff in it, on it's own.

Then, emptying, filling, and replacing the boxes where they go.  And, finally, getting that trash out.  The shnow has become an actual snow, and we have two inches down, and falling.  I shouldn't have mocked.  Still... it... was funny, to me.

Twenty hundred and up.

.

.

When did I got to bed though?  After ten, but how fart after?  Ten thirty, to be certain.  But did I make it to eleven, noon?  Certainly not one.  So trashed I can't be sure.  More, when I went upstairs, I did finish sorting laundry.  Not... a long time effort, but it probably took between a quarter and half hour.

Oh, but the bed was made, and warm.  I crawled in and it ate me, whole, into the warm darkness of the most blessed of sleeps humans can endure and survive here on earth, in this time.  The only better times were swaddled and being breast, or bottle for some of us, fed.  It was good.

Breathless!

.

.

Literal like.

It took a while to get a start in on... anything else.  But start I did.  I can't remember the order...  But lest just start with laundry down here.  No... laundry upstairs.  Right.  I went through all the last of it.  Sorting.  Underwear folded and what socks could be paired at this point, was done.  Shirts, shorts, and such, were collected and set out sort of right.  In preparation for hanging or folding.  The baskets where then brought down.

Hmm, well?

.

.

I gamed.  Until I thought it about time to get back to work.  I popped up, headed in what I thought the right direction, and... almost lost my legs under me.  Yea, not... quite ready to hit it really hard.  But, after a sip of something, I may get up and hit the laundry upstairs.  Folding, pairing, hanging, whatever.  Maybe even figuring out where things can go.

Boxes, for now?  Socks in one box, unders in another, folded t's in another?  Maybe.  I have tried various methods, but the ideas haven't worked out well.  Hmm, though... there might be a way to make that work out well.  Wire cages, as sort of open drawers... But not very... strong.  Falls apart.  Trick?  Maybe using zip-ties?  I have some.  That might work.

A bit o' work?

.

.

I decided, before coming down, to... do just a few things upstairs.  A few boxes, and some laundry to go.  Sure.  So, I... got into it.  Something must have grabbed me by something, because the next thing you know, the main floor is clear, all laundry and possible laundry... three loads... is down in the wash room, two smaller folding tables are set up with the clean clothes from Christmas past spread out, ready to fold.

Oh, I... won't fold that laundry soon.  Though maybe yet today.  Same with the laundry in the back.  And, found my folding paddle, for shirts.  So, will fold those.  Some of them.  I... thought that would take a month!  Nope.  Not... done.  Not close.  But... thirty percent?  Forty?  In that range.  And... it was busy.

Bah!

.

.

The grill wouldn't light up a second time.  It shouldn't be out of fuel already.  I've only used it... five times since changing it?  But... if someone opens it, that would do it.  If they did that, they would be coming back to close it?  Who knows.  Though, it might be the odd misty weather.  I just don't know.  Still, it was cleaned, and freshly coated with oil.

So, I just pan fried the steak, in a bit of coconut oil.  It worked.  Two hours after eating and blood sugar is 108?  Okay.  I'll take it gladly.  Still, very strange.

Snowing?

.

.

I... can't call it that.  There are flakes.  They are... sort of coming down.  But I wouldn't quite call it snow.  There just isn't enough to get much out.  Ever heard of a shart?  This... is a shnow?  :p

I went to get the griddle heated.  Which I did.  But only to seanson and clean it, a first shot.  In an half hour, I'll do it again.  I had just used each station, and it had gotten a bit crusty.  Not... really rough.  I could have cooked on it, as was.  I just wanted to hit it this time.  I... like to keep it clear and clean.

What day is it?

.

.

I've gotten lost.  Even while trying desparately to keep up.  Things to do, bills to pay, that sort of things.  While I have been keeping up on bills?  I think.  I... have completely lost the when of it. Thursday, going on Friday?  Okay.  But, I almost made it to 23:00 tonight, between a quarter and twenty to, and I poppped like toast from a toaster.

Sassy was fed first thing.  I'll check her litter later.  Her water was refreshed right before bed, so should be good for today and another day.  No packages on the stoop.  Haven't checked email, or else.  Few visitors, today, if nine hundred and more this month so far, and 42k last month?  Never mind, I chuckle, but, okay.

Nearing bedtime.

.

.

Twelve minutes, as I begin this, beyond when I was awake yesterday.  I'd love to push through more.  Will type this anyway.  Check Sassy's litter, changer her water, and feed her again.  But that will be it.  Other than finishing this.

The beef was better a day later.  Not great, better.  Warmed in the nuke.  Not cooked, again, just warmed.  Between that, coffee, and water, blood sugar was down to 133 today.  Not... what I want, but better.  Not fasting, that was... 169.  Bleh.

Strange.

.

.

Staying awake until complete exhaustion.  I made it to 11:30 this morning.  It about killed me, but... I... really pushed.  Shoved.  Made it six more hours from when I really wanted to sleep.  I was sure, this time, today, that I would sleep long.  At 18:11, I popped out of bed like a tic getting a hot needle.  Bah!

A sweet dream.  I dreamed I was sleeping with a woman.  We slept, together, without touching, for a million years.  But, through the time, we got to know each other.  Everything about everything, just through... the mind, proximity.  Eventually, we awoke, and lived.  Man and wife?  Not so much.  As a single being.  I still got top, I don't care.  *grins*  Oh, it was a wonderful dream.

Pretty mushy.

.

.

Perhaps overdone?  The roast.  Not... to my taste.  Though, I think it's either this, done like this, and with noodles or rice.  Or, it's much less done, and eaten like a... chewier steak.  There really isn't much choice.  I think trying to split the difference would be worse.  No, from now on, I will cook these more like steak.  Not quite to the rare stages, more like the medium rare to medium.  They need just a little longer time to render some of the harder fats, and soften some of that stringier meat.

It's... just... not to my taste.  With beef and noodles, or in gravy over mashed potatoes?  Yeah, heck yeah.  If you don't mind dying a bit quicker, or a lot quicker.  My mother made gold with this stuff.  Either this, or chicken.  Wasn't a pork girl, mostly.  If, back then, pork had a pretty strong, almost uniquely gamey, taste.  I liked it, but just once on a rare occasion back then.  Now, it is much milder, usually.  Like lamb, most of it being, or tasting like, mutton.  Just too strong.  But, pork can work, as with beef, cooked long, slow, shredded, put in gravy, and put over a heavy carb... rice, noodles, potatoes, or such.

Just thinking of a special girl.

.

.

Life is difficult.  Then it gets really hard.  Many of us loved, and still do, for my part a cousin.  She was always a sweetheart.  And, that... wasn't always fair.  Still, she did her best, like a champ.

Oh, that roast!

.

.

Sure, I've cooked roasts.  But, I have never done it this way.  Browned, and in a dutch oven.  Closed, for the first hour and an half.  After checking it, then thinking about it, I decided to open it up just a crack.  No, it isn't fork tender.  That'll take a bit longer.  I have the timer set for an hour.  Might taken anouther half hour, hour, after that?  I'll find out.  Just water, browning, the roast, heat, and time.  The smells coming out of there!

Just gaming, for now.  Hoping to get to some work?  So tired, sore, achy.  But... I'll... keep looking for the opportunity.  It'll come.  Or I'll make it.  You can't live right this close to death and just... always get to do work, or even play.  It just... I get to do what I can do, which isn't much.  There is a grace to it.  But there is... a difficulty too.  Dying, for decades.  I really am... talented.

Blood sugar was down to 170, fasting.  Slowly dropping again.  Now, it's 144, with water and coffee.  Not a fast drop.  And, should my mother send the goodies, despite us not talking anymore, that'll throw it.  I'll... try to eat it in a hurry!  :p  Oh, yes.  And, not really.  I need to savor that stuff.  And, sometimes, it is so rich it isn't possible to feast on it.  It... takes time.  And I will take my time.  To some degree.

I did take "morning" pills, when I woke.  And am hoping to remember to get evening pills.  I'll keep trying.

The progressive glasses are really working out.  The eye doc sent eye drops, for my eyes were horribly dry.  But, between going carnivore (mostly) and the progressive lenses?  My dry eyes have cleared up.  I was putting a huge strain on my eyes by trying to use distant lenses for close and even medium distances.  The computer, tv for the console, all day?  No, I'm used to those things.  Well, and I am sleeping better.  So, yeah.  God... takes care of even fools, with the help of some docs, in spite of them and us?  :p  Yes!

I thought about ordering it.  But at $28 a pound?  F' that.  I thought about making it myself, but I can't get to a simple appointment, how am I going to make it?  Ugh.  And, the things I have found in town?  Not... quality.  They are just expensive commercial.  You aren't getting better quality, just more expensive.  And taste?  Most of them might as well just use the storebought premade cookie dough, if... they aren't.  Charging as if they were doing it with good ingredients, from scratch, but aren't.  Ugh.  I... quit.

Well, back on to gaming.  The thing is, my stomach is about eating itself, with the smells wafting from the kitchen, and I have at least an hour, maybe two, to go!  Ugh.  Double ugh!  Suffering.  Hmm... okay.  But there is a payoff, so it's all good.  Later.