I wonder and sometimes worry. Herein lie those ponderings with perhaps some editing but still in their truer forms. Whisper as well, though in truth, whispers are just that, rustlings in the wind and nothing more. It is kind to not be alone with one's own whispers.
I was to bed reasonably early, 20:00 or so, 21:00 at the latest? I heard the alarm, at five. Wrestled with it a few times before realizing it just wasn't going to happen. Turning it off in frustrated understanding. Slept cold. Couldn't get warm. Slept mostly well? Peed a lot though, through the night. May have filled the three liter, or at least two liters.
Couldn't get out until nine. Even then, it was all I could do. Standing, I had no balance and almost fell. Just my feet? Not sure. I am still in recovery and yesterday was a heck of a tug. While I felt good through it, didn't struggle staying awake on the drive home or such, it did use up everything I had.
That's all I could eat. To be honest? It was okay, but... strange. I prefer the steaks I get more locally. It won't go to waste, but it... wasn't... my best? Or it wasn't the best? I did use Redman's salt. That can be different. As well, I baked it a while, which I don't usually do. Dunno, wasn't as happy with it as I hoped.
Having coffee while at it. I didn't have any coffee all day. Just water.
First to my second bank. A minor withdrawal and a readjustment to how much I pull from my main account. Took forever! Computer problems and new teller. No... big deal. But got it done. Then, to put the withdrawal into my main account. Their... computer was inoperable, or their system. Gave me a written, essentially, iou? Yes. I hope I don't lose it. Just checked... it... is in. Goody.
No, things happen. I wasn't worried about the time or trouble. I started out well early so as not to have problems. I was worried about wearying too much, later in the day. But... I would deal with that was required.
Morning read is
133/85
pulse of
88. Fasting blood sugar is
100, weekly average is
137, biweekly is
150. I only have 18 reads, so not enough to start on the monthly
averages. Wow. Nice. After the second dose of bacon, I
checked my bp last night. It worried me just a wee. It was 168/92,
with a pulse like 88? Something. I didn't track it, because I just
do morning checks these days. I just... wondered. Was it the
bacon? I think so. The salt in the bacon, or other stuff
though? Eating the bacon made me wonder. I will do it the next
time I eat bacon as well. And other really salty foods... out of
curiosity. If bacon and salty food does elevate, I'll... reserve it for
special occasions, or see if eating less is good enough.
Seeing it back down, to a good number, and that before medication, eases my
mind. No on to medication and minerals. And painkillers. My
neck still hurts. I think I tended it better, through the night.
But when you put a kink in a thing, over several nights, it doesn't just
un-kink in one night. Mine don't.
Not mood... body. Mostly the neck. Still, or restarted, sprinkling out there. Amazing that it is staying above freezing. The Atlantic weather thing. El Nina? I think. It's the girl one, right? And, supposedly, a super one. Well, it's definitely sending warmer weather in. If just above freezing isn't truly warm, it's just... warmer. The difference between freezing and wet is just a few degrees.
I did start laundry. Hmm, I was going to go to bed, but... no. I want that dry. And, some of it is heavy. It'll take a few shots through the machine to dry.
Those things can be loverly. I was worried about oversleeping. But, when waking was a bit confused, thinking it was at night... and that I was trying to stay asleep longer. Nope! Luckily I realized it was just a nap, checked the time, and realized it was just the right time to get up... or how I count naps.
A wonderful nap. I warmed up, while sleeping. Dreamed of women, I think. Oh, but whatever has improved with my health? It... has improved... in... many ways. My worries about some things no longer remain. And, my guess, will only get better. Children won't be a problem, from my side of things.
Food was good, helped? I think so. However, I'm still running way behind. Just dragging. The cold spit of rain this morning didn't help. And, that it has been dark and cool up to at least now doesn't help. Just... one of those days. Even so, it is a better day than it has been. How good a bad day that it is far better than usual? I do have to chuckle. I'm... even well enough to notice the downtick. There is some gallows humor in there, deep, dark, dank. Noice!
I just checked blood sugar. Always worried that it might jump up, for seemingly no reason. I have had a fatted coffee, four boiled eggs, and about four slices of bacon, at the most. Still, I do worry about bacon. Regardless of what the ingredient list is. They can change that, without notice. And I have doubts if they have to list (or all) actual ingredients.
Noon was the goal. But not today. And... most likely... for reasonable causes. Food, that is. I was starting to feel really rough. Everything I did was difficult. The cold water earlier didn't help, but that wasn't all of it. No, my body needed food.
While you can starve, if in decent health, for days, weeks, even up to a couple of months? You will suffer. Even if you have fats, taking that out of storage must not be an easy, or efficient, thing. Nor does the body really want to do that. Much as you don't want to go through your house, and get rid of what you aren't using? I'm thinking the ideas are linked in some way.
But... a start, in truth. Just not a working start. First, as waking, I have been reviewing the game I downloaded last night, and the other game I was thinking about. Just... gaming tips, and such. Eyes are bleary. Dry eyes, for various reasons, including that I am retaining less fluid.
As I was checking on the second game, that I hadn't downloaded/bought, one of the things I wanted to see was price. I checked on amazon, then on the ps5 store. Oh, looks like I already have the game. It may have been a freebie, one I added to my collection, but never downloaded. Was probably in a game I liked, at the time. So, while looking on other things, online, I went ahead and downloaded that game too. That was... easier... and cheaper... than anticipated.
I keep being surprised. I didn't eat a lot, yesterday. But I did have half a steak earlier, then four eggs later. It was around bedtime when I had the eggs. I thought they might interfere with blood sugar numbers this morning. But that is 102 fasting. Very nice. Even so, from now on, I will try to eat in a smaller window, say six or eight hours.
I don't care if I eat early, or later, as long as it is consistent. I'm really thinking later is better. That gives me time to plan, and makes it easier to go without if I am only eating once? Yea. If I eat early, I almost always want to eat something later... needed or not. So... noon? Noon or later, finished by 18:00. That... would work. Then again, I think that is about what it was yesterday? But on the fringes of that? Or so.
Some things done. Dishes, once over. And, the big pot, done so that eggs could be cooked. Those were peeled and put up, plus I had four. I almost feel guilting boiling these quality of eggs. Almost. They taste so much better than any storebought eggs I have found. It doesn't matter if they are "organic", "pasture raised", or... any o the token terms. Among other things, these eggs aren't fed soy. Yes, it... makes a huge difference.
So, four eggs for dinner. I could have gone without, but... I... just wanted something more. The pot is cleaned, ready for bacon. But I am too ready for bed.
Don't want to. Could. Won't. Eat, that is. I have pork
chops, burger, and probably the chicken thawed. A few chops would make
for a fairly good quick, small meal. A hamburger patty or two would be
nice, three would be too much. The chicken? I don't think
so. Not yet. I'm putting that in the fridge, to let it finish
thawing. That will be for... no... Thanksgiving is too far off.
Still, not for today. Tomorrow? Maybe. Well, parts of it.
Evening medicine went down. I thought about taking the whole losartan
pill, but no. Half is enough. While bp is running right at the
edge of where I want it? It's still, often, slightly under. I
don't want it under. I'd rather have it just slightly over, if I have to
go in one direction or the other.
Well, there are Japanese games. And games for girls. Many of the games which should be for boys and men have female leads. Just... not interesting. It was cute, once. Now it's... dull. Either the game is just button mashing, or with girl leads, or Japanese. Until they sort things out, I'm not just interested.
There might be a platforming game, that comes with ps5. I've heard it is good. But, game reviewers, at this point, are the worst of salesmen. Odd that most of them are still male, if mostly of soy boi type. I haven't seen an honest negative review in a while. Or a negative review for the right reasons. I more suspect the reviewer wasn't paid off in some way than that the game is bad (for the reasons mentioned).
But food, down. The last half of the steak was warmed and eaten. I just nuked it. Had to look up the instructions. But ended up being well worth the little bit of effort. The steak was reheated, without being overdone, in... a very short time. The edges weren't... odd. The fat wasn't rendered in a bad way. It was heated throughout. And it only took... fifteen seconds? Covered in paper towels so there was no splatter. Okay.
As well? I can stand, for a short while anyway, without feeling like I am going to fall. Like my legs are going to give out, from weakness. For the whole of this last weak, even getting to the bathroom has been a stumble, followed by a stumble, never having legs I could count on.
I heard the alarm. At three. No dice. Not rolling out until 7:07. Way late, but I was up for several hours again. So be it. Until that gets sorted out, it will just kind go that way. I'm not upset about it. And, seven isn't that late. Later than I would like, but... not terrible.
Medicine, right after taking blood sugar. Which was 114 fasting. Maybe not the 101 of late last night, but I am still quite pleased.
Why? I didn't bother with bp. I... just know that is just fine. However, I was curious about blood sugar. I was... sure that must have gone up. It always does that. Teases me with a lower number, once, twice? Then, for no reason just explodes higher. Or... no reason I could fathom.
I did have to go to the bathroom, there was that. But I didn't want to use the pee jug? I think I could have made it through the night without going, but since I was up, as with yesterday night, I just went. It isn't what woke me up, just something I became aware of once I was awake and down here. I think I could improve that by not drinking three hours before bedtime. Will improve. Though, as mentioned, it isn't what woke me, nor the reason I then fully got out of bed. Even so, I'd like to reduce even that. Then again? Any time I get out of bed, after having slept even for some hours, going to the bathroom may just... happen? I'm not used to "normalcy", just sorting out what that might mean for me.
A minor ache in the right side of my neck. Every had the back of your neck hurt, which causes a headache? Imagine that is on the right side of your throat, transferred there for some odd reason. It doesn't go up, to cause a headache, but it's like that sort of ache. And, for most of this week, that ache has been on the whole of the neck... back and both sides. A few painkillers... because. Yes, I have been just about eating those this last week. And, it has been a temporary allowance. As well, it is becoming less needed through time. Taking fewer of them, less frequently. But, when something really hurts? I'll take the damn pills. Amen.
Oh, blood sugar. I dreaded taking it. Warm? A bit. I think that is what woke me yesterday night, and tonight. Hot. A mild fever. Less tonight than yesterday night, but... the same. So, I was expecting it to be a blood sugar spike. Maybe it finally got to the steak, and turned it into carbs?
I got a shower taken. Had hoped to get dishes in, done, up. And... other things. Not going to happen. I did get on the scale, 262. Not great, pretty much down to around where I had gotten it at my more recent best? Now, the last time I weighed myself, I weighed 272. So... Though whether the ten pounds is recent or casual over time? I suspect it is recent. mostly because I don't have swollen feet, ankles, calves, torso, fingers. So... water weight? Likely.
Ah, but... I haven't had a b.m. in three days. Four? That will make a difference. I can deuce a three to five pounder, when it's been a while. We'll see. But... I can only go when... I can go. Nausea and little eating, plus this and that, sort of have me at zero. I'll... get to it, when I... get to it.
BP is
144/86
with a pulse of
63. Which is fine, mostly. Yes, that is after medication, and food,
both consumed over two hours ago. What I really liked? Blood
sugar. That is
106? Pretty good. I haven't ever gotten to that low on anything, or
off everything. The lowest I ever saw it, with insulin, was 123...
unless it crashed. But I mean in the healthy range.
I wonder if blood sugar can crash off medication? I guess I will find
out. All I am sure of, is if it goes below 80 I will have to sort that
out. Perhaps eating some carbs, of some sort. Leafy greens, even
corn if need be. I'll just have to wait and see. Still... rather
amazed. It has been dropping, give or take, about twenty points a day
since I started testing, as I went full carnivore, about a week ago. It
was in the 230~240 range? Or so. All sort of rough, with some ups
and some stronger downs, obviously.
Still, was hungry. And, it was mostly tasty. I could only eat half of it. The rest will be wrapped, to be heated and eaten later. But, yes, that was... rather... rare. I am very curious what blood sugar will be when I test. I'm waiting for two hours. Then will check. As well, taking evening medicine now, I'll check bp again then as well.
Sure hoping food will help. Definitely on the weaker side of life. Stumbling around as if a newborn colt. I haven't fallen down yet, but almost as much from luck as caution. Every time I get up to do something, I internally sigh with relief when I finally am able to be seated again. I am fighting gravity with little energy and less stability.
Chops and burger out, thawing. Oh, I'll get a chicken out too. Yes, that works well. Whole chicken, as parts are rancid far too often. Whole chickens seem to be good almost every time? I can't remember one not being good. If... buying good is a requirement.
A steak is out, as the griddle warms. Can't put the steak on until both the griddle is warm enough, and the packaging will come off. It'll get there. Hungry. I... am more than ready to eat. I'll wait for two hours after the meal to check blood sugar.
Just... getting the new microwave set up. Which, of course, required getting the old one moved, the new one unpacked, the plug figured out (sure put a very short plug in cord on the new one!), and... other things. Why start with the microwave? It was in the way, on the freezer top. There was no way for me to get to the freezertop without managing the microwave. I could have just moved it, but thought just taking care of it would be easier.
Right? Wrong? It's... done. But it busted my butt. It didn't hurt anything, per se. But, it took every ounce of energy I had accumulated and then some. But, I didn't just stop with moving everything to make room, unboxing, sorting out how to get it in a place which worked. But I also even bothered to set the time. Thankfully, this one allows for a 24 hour clock setting. That... is just how I do, and much prefer. In case I am in the kitchen, when it's dark, but not sure if it is 6:00 am or pm. 18:00 just... works so much better.
Though, even on the level of keto, then carnivore, I was on? I was beginning to get days and nights mostly sorted. And to be aware of which was which, mostly, even when my sleep cycles were contrary to day and night rhythms. Still, I... just like 24 hour clocks, when available, these days.
Right, but... true. It isn't that I don't have energy. It is that what energy I have is stowed as fat. And my body just isn't able to pull it out and use it fast enough. So, it's as if I have fasted for days. Legs are noodles, give or take. The temptation to order a pizza, or go for fast food, is severe.
It isn't a craving. Those are long gone. What remains, however, is the knowledge that the bun from a burger or meat(tm) sandwich, fried potatoes of some sort, and a soda or two, would give my body the energy it wants. And, it would. For a very short time.
An hour and a lot of change after medicine, I decided to check bp. At 141/85 with a pulse of 65, I am happy with the numbers. Though pulse... not sure. I would like that a bit higher. Perhaps cutting losartan by half? Not sure. Or it may a be a persistent problem. I just... I'm not sure. Remember, my goal is 140/90... with a pulse around 80? I think so, on the pulse. Sure about the rest. So... this is... perfect. One point, on that particular number, is irrelevant.
Water is heating, for coffee. I am drinking a lot less. And, will probably cut down even more. From half a quart once or twice a day, using two dosers per pull, I may go down to a literal cup or two a day, using just one doser. Into the french press, then some water. Still strong, but... not so much.
I made it back down to bed at about two? Give or take. Then slept pretty well until six, six thirty when waking, dressing, and all was completed. A few breaks in the sleep. Heat? I am thinking that was the problem. Not terrible, just... a bit too much. A minor fever. Either remnants from keto flu, which will probably continue to come and go for... a week... three?
Either that, or when the body puts up fat? If it has toxins it can't handle at the time, it will stow it in with the fat. I do wonder. More because I didn't eat yesterday, and only ate a small amount the day, even week, before. While my body is still seeking carbs, or carb look-alikes, it hasn't found them. Just fat. Not taking all of that in, might even have started using my own fat reserves? Maybe. But it still doesn't like them. Especially if there are toxins in them.
I can't be certain why I woke up. Really, about an hour ago. I tried to get on back to sleep. It just wasn't going to happen. So... up at 23:30. I did really try to stay down.
Could stats be whack, off, up, or down? Blood sugar is... 121? Okay. It's low compared to the last few days, but in line with earlier today. And it's... pretty good. It's excellent, actually. It might not be 100, or less, but it isn't 200 or more, let alone 650 or more. BP? At 121/79 with a pulse of 71? No, that's... good. Good enough that I can come off more medicine if it stays in this range for the next few days.
The supplement I had worried about? Seems to be okay. Or, didn't disturb things too much. Beside it, I also have been consuming a fatted coffee. As much of that as I could consume. No salt. I think... I'll skip salt in coffee, I just can't do it. If I need a bit more salt I will add that in with the electrolytes and water. Yeah, that... was pretty bad.
Testing several hours after consumption, blood sugar is 125. While that is slightly elevated, since I haven't eaten much else through the day, I would guess my body will use... extra, leftovers, of fat or protein here or there, to produce some carbs. It's still trying to do the carb thing. Which is why the tunnel vision? I am guessing. Even so, 125 is... good enough. I can deal with that.
Just a short one, an hour and an half? Or so. Then up and was about to check things, bp and such, when the power went out. Well... none of my testing equipment requires house power, so... But first, I called the power company.
They suggested it was a broken line. And that power would be back by 21:00. 21:00!?! I was not pleased. It was just at 14:30! No one to talk to, just a prerecorded message sort of thing. Bleh. Then, half an hour later, I got a call asking if I... knew where the problem was? Not promising. Oh well.
I've heard of the stuff. Certain African countries... their high society? Yep. I never thought I'd consider it. Then again, it is just for a short run thing, in an attempt to manage what all else is going wrong with the new diet, and on medication. Coffee and cream, as usual. But, sea salt too. All I have is dehydrated ocean water salt, but Redman's is on the way, I ordered that this morning... the best price I could get by volume.
As to taste? Different. I am using, essentially, french pressed espresso. And, a triple shot of the stuff. So it's not weak coffee. Have been using double, went triple what with the salt? It's... okay. Wouldn't be my first choice in liquid consumables, but with my hunger, even thirst, for salt, it isn't as bad as it might sound. My body recognizes it's needs.
BP is 119/80 with a pulse of 72. Better. Still feeling like I'm being sucked down a whirlpool, or being compressed in a wind tunnel, or... some such. Better. But... still not comfortable. I halved the main medication, again. And, took only half of one of the medicines I could split, since I was taking two of those. As well, continue to have stopped the amlodipine. Oh, and only took one waterpill this morning, instead of two.
Walking a bit easier, but not fully adjusted yet. I've had a water, this morning, but plan to add electrolytes, and regular salt, to my next bottle of water. A teaspoon of salt, along with standard electrolytes. Hoping that will help with feet and vision. Not... long term. Though I will add more salt to my diet. It's just that, currently, I can't eat enough to make adding salt mean much.
BP is 144/80 pulse of 54. Blood sugar is 145. All good, save the pulse. That must be why the dilated eyes and tunnel vision. That is... rather low. So, yes, another cut in medication. Getting close though. As to bp, that is right where I want it to be... if raw. After medicine? I'll see where it goes in an hour. I may have to cut even more medicine? We'll see. That is what I want it after medication, not before. But, it's... getting there.
While I am cutting medicine, I am increasing minerals. Why? If I was just on carnivore, I would need to increase minerals enough to cover for what my body is initially eliminating naturally through excess peeing just from the diet. But, too, I am still taking waterpills.... well, a waterpill starting today. So, I need more. They suggest between 25 and 50 mg of zinc, for example. I have been taking 50 mg. Now, as of today, I'm taking 75 mg. This is more short term. After another week, or two, if things settle, I will back down to 50 mg a day. As to the other minerals, they are roughly similar daily recommended amounts, so it is similar for magnesium, calcium, and vitamin d3. A glob of stuff, that... works well enough together... for a vampire type. I see very little sunlight.
Dealing with tunnel vision, but not feeling like I'll pass out. So... it's better? Mostly. Actually? Much better. I don't hurt... uhrm.... anywhere! That's... a first, for... a goodly while. Why my eyes are so funky? The change in blood pressure, blood sugar, these can affect sight in extreme ways. Are affecting sight? I... can only speculate. If I do so strongly.
I went down right at 18:00. Was up later... in part to test things later. Then after hitting 17:00, insomnia was setting in. Thankfully I realized the issue and went on to bed before much longer. I didn't wake through the night, not even to pee? That's... a first. Though, as carnivore, once it was truly accepted and begun, became de facto, like it or not, I have been peeing less (at night, more during the day by a lot). Which... has me already thinking of attempting to cut the waterpills I am taking. Two currently. Perhaps one will do? And, maybe, in time, half or none?
It's... the little things, that become big things. Little symptoms, or problems, or issues, which improve, over time. Well, and some odd issues, which were letting me know. Tunnel vision probably means bp is low. Though weak/spaghettis legs do as well. I almost fell down the steps today. Thankfully my arms are strong. My legs just... weren't there. Ugh. I was near the top, too. And, it feels like I am walking with greasy shoes, or something. No grease, I promise. Just... lack of sensation. A problem I have never had until blood pressure dropped through the floor. So, yes, I get it. Actually, I wonder if that isn't what my mother was suffering? Can't be sure, but she kept falling, losing her legs, having a weakness, and such.
Anyway... I am up. I'll give it that first hour for the body to settle. Without anything, not even water. Then test blood sugar and blood pressure. Though, this morning, I have decided to cut carvedilol in half, again. Because of how low bp was yesterday afternoon. If it gets too high, then, I will add back amlodipine, or half of it. But that, only after a few days to let it settle. Ugh. But... I am trying, working on things.
It is raining out there. Can't be freezing then? Nope, 43 out there. As well as I could see. With my eyes... sight... in tunnel vision, I can just... get a rough sight on things. Small details are hard on the eyes, currently. But, vision is slowly returning to... some sort of function. Oh, and beside tunnel vision pretty much all of the time, my eyes are dilated as if they just added those drops. Even as dark as I keep my house, it is as if I was out in the most blinding of days. Without shade or cap or sunglasses, or on a snowy sunny day more like. It has been like this for... a week, or nearing it.
Which means, for the most part, I am typing blind. If I look, sideways, squinting hard, and using other methods as needed, I can... read some of what I am writing. But certainly not all of it. If my editing has been subpar, now you know why. I... am writing blind. Pretty much literally. And have been for a week. Could you tell? *grins*
Well... on with the day. Enjoying the sound of the rain. Seeing just a bit better today. Feeling a ton better. Best put in my dairy order. Oh, but only later after I am sure they are awake. That gent runs... quite a life. For good or ill, he works all day, most weekends, and else. Good day.
BP of
108/70
with a pulse of
69. Blood sugar at
133. Okay. Blood sugar is really good. BP is too low.
That is half an hour after medication. Ugh. I have been stumbling
through the latter half of the day, even before medication. I... may cut
some more? There is one medication I am taking two of a day. I'll
cut that to half? Or should I cut the main pill in half again? To
be honest, I am thinking of cutting the stronger one in half.
Why? This bp level is absolutely brutal. It hurts in ways I can't
describe well. Leaving no energy in my muscles, causing even bones to
hurt somehow. The painpills arrived, as with everything supposed to
arrive. It doesn't always go as planned, but this time it was
clean sweep, five packages. I took a fistful, but it's not doing all
that much good.
Blood pressure is
136/84, with a pulse of
60? Strange. I don't mind the bp, that is within my mark.
Strange that it would go up after medicine? But, okay. No, haven't
had coffee yet, so that isn't it. Just water. I decided to check
blood sugar, to see if the flavored carbonated water is affecting blood
sugar. It is 164, exactly what it was at fasting check. So... that is good, if just one
data point.
It looks like what I am doing is helping. Cutting medicine, so far,
looks to be improving my condition. Will the bp continue to rise?
Will the symptoms diminish further? Time will tell. It will take
days, or a week, to find out. As suggested, I will only cut medicine
further if blood pressure drops. And, if if blood pressure rises over
the target of 140/90, then I'll add some back in.
BP of 122/84 pulse of 74. Blood sugar at 164 fasting. But, the bp is not official. It is raw. Before water, medicine, coffee, anything. I took medicine right after taking the readings. And, I'll finish up the electrolyte vinegar tonic, then in another hour, check bp again. That will be the official number. Just want to see what it is before medicine.
To be honest, at that number, I am a bit worried. It could drop very quickly, and by a lot. These medicines are extremely potent. Still, for now, reductions in medicine have to be tempered. And, in truth, I may be being a bit hasty in the reduction. Down half the most serious of medications, and the dropping of one of the minor medications whole.
When back down? I think close to one. Not quite? A bit after? I think more like half to, quarter to two? Guessing, to a degree. I heard the alarm at three, and hit snooze until that timed out. Or until I stopped being able to respond to it, at 3:30? I don't remember a buzz after that. Neared waking at five, and six, but wasn't able to do much about the impulse until here at a quarter after seven? Or so? It's 7:27 as I sit. Dressed, Sassy fed? No, she wasn't interested.
The aches, the nausea, the inability to sleep? Well... I tried several things at once.
First, water with electrolyte powder. With it, I took the minerals I had stopped taking (magnesium, zinc, calcium, d3 mixed). And, finally, I took the last two painkillers left to me, the stronger ones. Over the counter, but... somewhat dubious due to the mix? If... you trust medicine, at all, these days?
Blood pressure is 111/71, pulse 88. But I just woke up. And way early. It was just at 22:00, having gone to bed at 16:00. I crashed hard, slept well, until I didn't, couldn't. Truth is, I started waking at 20:00. I tried to sleep, and did, for that little bit of extra two hours.
My neck hurts. Pulse is probably only that high because waking was hard. Getting dressed, feeding Sassy, checking the temperature outdoors... which is 32 F. But muscles are still weak, hurt, as if overused, abused. I promise, they haven't been.
Whatever I did, am doing, it is working. It started with drinking fluid, and electrolytes. Then coffee, with cream. Fighting through to not passing out, as well as checking stats. Realizing the possible problems and attempting to research those problems.
Since then, I have been simply trying to cool or warm as needed. Keep fluid intake up. Then, another coffee with my meal. I was able to get up and get the griddle heated. I had thin cut chops, which I salted in hopes that would help. Salted a little extra. And, yes, that tasted absolutely delicious, so I probably needed extra salt.
Not perfect. Perfection is a whole other can of worms, of course.
Better. Not good, but enough better that I'm not worried. I really
thought I might end up going down, even dying. It sure felt like
it. Now... not so much. But, I am still suffering. But
it feels more like I am suffering in recovery, rather than suffering a
collapse, trying to live, fighting to stay conscious.
I will take afternoon medicine, shortly. But, as mentioned, I will
decrease the dose. The strongest medicine I take is... dangerous.
Too much can lead to... dark moments. And, with being on a true
carnivore diet, with pretty much zero carbs? Yeah. The combination
is extremely potent. I should have been checking bp, but... between the
cold, the change in diet, and some other things, I... just... wasn't doing
what I should have been doing.
Blood pressure is slightly up at 112/72, if pulse is down a bit to 59. Blood sugar continues to spike, up to 201. All I have had is a vinegar tonic (two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar, a dose of electrolyte powder (no sugars, or other sweeteners), and twenty ounces of carbonated water. From 157 fasting, to 192, to this? Very strange.
I have stopped with the cold sweats. Though, now, I am just getting cold. I'll put the jacket, neck gator, and cap back on. I had to take those off.
I may have found the problem. Low blood pressure? It was 93/65. Technically that is in the "good range". From 120/80 to 90/60 is said to be "healthy". The problem, for me, is that my system is used to bp being in 215/180 (natural... or unassisted) to 150/110 (on all but the most severe medications). Now, on extreme medication, my blood pressure had dropped to 120/80... mostly.
However, having gone pure carnivore? It seems to have... altered something. And my body is simply not ready for such a low bp. Pulse was 63. That is said to be healthy between 60 and 100, down to 40 for solid athletes. I'm... not an athlete. As well, my pulse has been running as high as 140, though closer to 110-120, if even more recently hitting closer to 80. So my body simply isn't ready for 60.
I woke just before, at about 2:56. In time to turn the alarm off, before it sounded. Then, got out and started dressing right at three. Pretty quick, this morning. Just some fuss about what to wear. Some of my pants aren't all that warm, so I have started wearing leggings with them. Depends on what I want to wear that day.
Leggings, socks over those, shoes these days, pants, a long sleeve tshirt, a fleece jacket, a neck gator, and a cap. If I am still feeling cool, I'll throw a heavy hooded jacket over all that. Usually I don't need it, even when the front room is cooler. At 65, starting this morning, it's almost warm with what I am wearing.
Broken. Brutal day. Difficult to keep at it. But... done. No more work. I did keep Sassy fed. Changed her water out this morning, for fresh. And, I'll hit her litter boxes before going on to bed. But, that's it. And it was pushing it. Well, medicine was taken.
I did one final check of blood sugar. It was down to 132? Whatever. A stupid strange thing. That after a second coffee, so... it's not the coffee, or cream, that is pushing blood sugar up? I don't know. Like I said, I'm trying a few things. Will see, in time.
It's been a very rough day. Nausea, from heavy to light. Aches and
pains, mostly just bodily. Some of it as if I strained my physical
capacity, some of it just muscle aches for no good reason. Hunger, though,
too. In spite of eating a solid meal, with coffee earlier. I'm
about to have another cup of joe. Going smaller with my doses, so two
coffees is as one used to be.
Not sure if it will disturb the nausea. Which has slightly settled, if
still there. I just have to figure tings out as I go. If coffee is
too much of a problem, I may have to give it up, too. Sacrifices?
For life? Either life is valuable to you, or it isn't. For me, it
is valuable. When I can sort things out, I... do my best.
Why tunnel vision? I can't say. Out of breath, and energy, quickly
as well.
I did push through, to make a meal. Very thinly sliced onions,
smothering the burgers. Then with cheese over the top. I forgot to
reset the timer, so they cooked probably an extra three to six minutes.
Nothing burned. The cheese melted wonderfully, and the onions softened
nicely. The burger might have been very slightly overdone. But...
it was good.
Trash is out, to the curb. I only saw trash bins out, the few that were
out, on my way to the post office. Still, I wanted to check closer to
pickup time. Around 6:30 I poked my head out. Nope, all seemed to
be just the trash bins. So... that is that. But, it is out.
Ready. All good.
And I received my utility bill. I knew I was behind. So paid a
good chunk, if not all of it. But, wasn't exactly sure how much I was
yet behind. I was thinking... $100 to $200, more like in the
middle? Nope, just behind $69 currently. Good, I can catch up next
month. Always good to be less behind than thought. Well, and that
includes this month, so... much better.
Dressed, then dressed again. Awake at 2:30 this morning, instead of after five. I beat the alarm. Why dressed twice? Well, sometimes I dress for the house. Just around the house, and maybe yard, as I cook outside. But not for leaving. However, I had to get to the post office. Packages were in. In a box? I didn't think so, but maybe.
So, I had to change what I was wearing, just in case I bumped into someone. That didn't happen, but I was ready if it did. The oil filters, for the bike, where in. As were the key blanks. Good, good. Now to get those cut. But, good to check the post, from time to time, anyway. All junk, almost, all the time. But it's clear now.
Nausea, exhaustion, pains here there and everywhere. Okay.
Causes? What should be asked, if going to a doctor with new problems? What... have you been eating? Any changes? Back when doctors actually looked for solutions, that was the first question. Today they just skip to exploring the symptoms and looking for medication(s) to treat that. Your health... isn't important, and doesn't pay well enough to consider.
Just so exhausted, tired in ways that don't make sense. Even so, still
hoping to push through to some things. Last time I checked, several
hours ago, it was still at 22 F out there. This front room is just to 68
nearing eleven. But I am dressed rather warmly.
I did check blood sugar just a bit ago. I had some hope it would have
dropped. Nope, though the rise was just three points, to 156. But
why the rise? I did have a steak, and fatted if unsweetened coffee,
through the morning. Still, it really shouldn't have risen.
Frustrating. Then again, it is staying below two hundred, and trending
much better.
I had the alarm set for 3:00. I don't remember it sounding. Dreaming of women all night long, sex with them if... not quite. The idea of sex with them? Pillow talk, the warm up to it, the fuzzy world after. Never quite sex, but everything around it. Women are annoying. I think... I like to be annoyed? *big ol' laugh*
It was 5:30 when I finished getting socks on, dressed the rest of the way, and on my way down. I used the loo, put the kettle to heating water, and fed Sassy. As the machine warmed up. It was ready by the time I sat down to it. The only way to go. But, for some reason, I am extremely bone weary.
I've been waiting for dairy. It arrived. Had a nice talk with the neighbor. I try not to take too much of his time. He... is truly a busy man. Family, work, two jobs really, and church. Plus, trying to take care of his health. Still, I so rarely get to see a familiar face, that a bit of talking is good.
Works, about the house. He was hanging a gate this morning, when I texted with the question. I, later, texted back to ask... what the gate had done for that extreme. He got a chuckle. Oh, and his daughter hit ice. Texted him that she had been in an accident, police were called. Turns out she hit black ice and the vehicle flipped. Saw pictures. She came out of it just fine. A few scratches and a sore area in the upper back area. A miracle really. If you saw the pictures, you'd be amazed.
I was wearing the boots, until I... had to take them off. Those things will take some getting used to. But I wore them around the house for three or four hours. And, plan on doing that every other day. Including walking around a bit, to break them in, get used to them, and such. A bit hot, but I have thicker socks on. I can modify that.
Blood sugar had risen, from 183 fasting to 196, for no good reason. Not sure why. But, after the steak lunch... dinner... and several hours, it was down to 139? Yes, but strange. Curious what it will be like tomorrow. No sweeteners. Ugh. Very odd, to me, that it is falling that fast. Ah! Carnivore. I have never done this on full carnivore before. My body is totally primed to lower blood sugar with no carbs coming in. None. Well, the body can use protein, or even fat, to make carbs. But... I haven't been eating enough for it to do that. Skipping food every other day, lately. So... okay, I get that.
I'll try the bike pants on when I go upstairs. I won't take laundry up. Just far too tired. I do need a pee jug, or two. Though I haven't been using those as much. Dreaming of women, daydreaming anyway. Not sure why. Usually don't. But... I like it.
A good day. Tools, dishes, a shower, feeding Sassy a bit extra, her litter and water tended. Cleaned the desk a bit, needs more work, but it's a start. Lots of little things. A few larger things. And, food, with more food for tomorrow ready. Small miracles? And bigger ones. I have some praying to do. Mostly just in thanksgiving. For... myself and for others. So fragile, life. And, yet, so gracious God. Amen. And goodnight.
I had a new york strip. Standard cut, so about an inch. I have some of those and some that are 1 1/2" thick. I... haven't been very happy with them. The meat is good, but the fat has been... questionable? Thawed, even rather quickly. Put in the fridge right away, or cooked immediately. It didn't matter.
The problem? Something smelled, and tasted, off. Rancid? Or... so it seemed. So, doing this one from frozen? I doubted there would be any difference, regarding the fat. Maybe that is the way of ny strips? Still, was hoping the meat would be... less grainy? Sometimes, when thawed, it seems grainy.
Maybe better than okay? Yes. Still tiring easy. Still pushing through.
I started gathering the kit, to begin working on the tool roll. I was partly into sorting when I decided to call my Philippine source. He video blogs, about his life over there. As it turns out, he provides a service. Fine, as long as I know. He went into rather great detail.
A shower, finally. But, before that, the freezertop was cleared. Not cleaned yet, but... that will happen. Meat was pulled. I didn't find my favorite bacon, but I did find bacon, two pounds. Should do. As well, as several steaks, pork chops, and burger, taken out to thaw.
Sassy was fed, her water refreshed, and then her litter cleaned as a final act before showering. I should put the shower stool in there. I... was... getting weak. The various tasks had wearied me, but... I'm not sure that would have mattered. I was losing my legs. Thing is, I wanted that hot, wet, nice, cleansing shower so badly that I pushed through. Perhaps longer than I should have? Almost too long.
Down right around 17:20? Up at 1:45. A shorter sleep, but
good. A good sleep though. Only had to pee once, as well.
Very nice. And, I may know why. As I said, yesterday blood sugar
got below two hundred for the first time in... a long, long while. Keto
sweetener, it works... and it doesn't.
As mentioned, on a typical American diet? My blood sugar gets to 650 or
higher... basically beyond the range of my glucometer to read. But, on
mostly keto, with the sweetener, it stays around 350, give or take twenty five
points. On carnivore, with the sweetener, it stays right around 215 to
230.
No extra work. Well, I did bag the trash and recycling cans which needed that. And had another coffee. Plus fed Sassy a few more times. Still, a few tasks completed, and the hope for more tomorrow. Slow, but... something is being done.
The packages arrived. Not as many tools in this group as thought. Mostly parts and riding pants. I'll take a shower before trying those on. First thing tomorrow? Okay, I'll write that in as a priority for the day plan. Dishes after that.
Trash is getting collected, as is recycling. I sort of let go in this
front room. For a long time. Still, it wasn't as bad as it
looked. If it isn't finished yet either. Still, for that part, I
would guess it is four fifths of the way finished? Yes, I would
guess. Well... trash and recycling... boxes? That's... a whole
other thing.
I am hungry though. But I don't have much to eat. Perhaps a can of
soup? Maybe. With cheese. And some hot spices. This
time I'll go with carolina reaper flecks. I... really like that
stuff. I have to eat something. And another coffee. Soups
are rather carby, but I've got to have something. Hmm, perhaps adding
mushrooms? Canned, it's what I have. But that works okay.
The fellow from the Philippines texted me back. He seems to have gotten on a call with someone else. I'm guessing his new woman. Though can't be sure. Just that he got another call. He suggested I call back tomorrow or Sunday. Which I most likely will do. But I won't keep doing that. I'll try to get a bit more information, as is possible. But if he is too busy, that's fine too.
Just at 8:05. Up five hours already? Okies. Hopefully up until 15:00 today.
Up at a bit before three. I set the alarm for three, but try to wake before the alarm. Ten minutes will do. Still, I was moving slow. If I hadn't turned the alarm off it would have sounded before I technically was out of bed. Though I was putting on socks and dressing while in bed, so it wasn't like I was still asleep either.
Most of the last of the orders for this month will be arriving today. All save one item? And a pair of winter boots. But the boots are on free to try, for seven days... after they arrive. I am hoping they will work for riding the bike, a bit more warmly.
Still cold out there. Just at 30 F, when I went out to get the grill
going. Corned beef hash, first, ending with a few slices of
cheddar. Then four eggs. A good breakfast, with tobasco and
cholula sauce. Those two didn't add any appreciable heat. It's
been a while since I have eaten carolina reaper, so I thought it would do
something. Nope. Didn't even propose the blush of warmth.
Next time I'll just add my real hot stuff.
Why haven't I eaten recently? Because, for the most part, I haven't
eaten. You can't really add something to nothing. The little I
have eaten, burger patties, don't really take to it. Though? I may
try some, sometime soon.
Perhaps just a bit early. The goal was 3:00, I was up, perhaps, twenty to? Or so. Sassy was fed first thing. She has been only getting a can a day, as I have been pushing days and nights around. Which is fine, mostly. Just, usually two days a week she gets an extra half can for those days. It's probably been... a while... since she has really gotten extra.
Her litter was cleared, first thing. And her water was refreshed. Not daily, lately, but at least every other day. Which really is enough. Only, I prefer to be more on top of it. I keep thinking her litter box will be an absolute mess, but it just never is. I'm remember back when I might miss it for a week. Two days just isn't much of a mess these days. Even so, I try to do daily diligence.
Working with this flesh is like trying to work with a really old computer. Even if everything works as was designed, which it may likely not, the clock-speed, memory, bandwidth, from a '90's desktop? Just doesn't cut it. If it is all you have, you... learn to use it as it is able to be used. You don't try to use it as modern machines are used. Within the limits. So... perfection isn't possible.
Then again, perfection was never possible. There is that. Even a new machine is flawed. If nothing else than because of the user, methods, logic problems, bugs, even "features". Perfection is not for this form, in this time. We were given the bible, Christ, hope, faith, and charity, after deciding we knew better. Choose wisely, just don't expect perfection.
Not doing much. Did get burgers cooked. It was 25 F outside, so below freezing. I'm always amazed to see how much traffic there is out there so early in the morning. Long haul truckers? That I get. They have to drive when they can. If an unloading takes too long? Their schedule will slip. If they have to wait in a long line to pick up a load, so too their schedule will slip. But regular cars and trucks?
While I am still feeling exhausted, and easily over extend by doing very little? My blood pressure and pulse are... pretty good. At 118/80, with a pulse of 72, it's not bad. The pulse might be a little low. That could be some of the problem? Though, just three days ago it was 158/110, with a pulse around 85? Strange that it would drop so much, in such a short amount of time. Especially since I haven't change medicine. Mostly. Well, actually, I... dropped dosage, on the medicine that causes... problems. I was, perhaps, being overdosed?
Burger patties have been formed. I am catching up on water. I like having three half gallon jugs full, the r.o. carafe full, and the reservoir for the next run on that full. Filling the carafe now. Afterward will pull the carafe and fill the reservoir for the next run.
To survival. Whatever I did, I stabilized the heart. It is no
longer thumping like a mostly dead fish, tossed to a riverbank after half an
hour. Regular, solid, well paced, heartbeat. That's... a
start. Was it food, getting trash out, some of it, the worst of
it? Was it pushing? A bit of each? I can't be sure.
But, now? Doing almost anything completely exhausts me. Still, I
went through some laundry baskets, after making the bed this morning. I
pushed to a 1:00 wakeup. I wasn't going to feed Sassy first thing, but
she begged. So, fed she was. I had to take a break. Am on the break. Will be on the break for another hour, or two.
It's just a bit after ten. Trying to make it to 13:00~15:00, though today I'll try to go lighter, get to bed earlier. I pushed really hard yesterday, almost got stuck in insomnia.
On the good side, a bit of food and painkillers helped. I've been rather miserable. The heart hurt, the neck, shoulders, ribs. Why I can't quite be certain. As mentioned, doing a bit better now.
I've been awake for an hour and an half already. I had to push to stay in bed, but did until 1:00. So, eight hours down? A difficult task staying down that last hour. Finally gave up. Heart is having trouble. Not sure what the problem is. I really need a blood test, to look things over. Too much potassium? Too little? Or... some other problem? Or... I am simply running out of time?
Some water. Then some coffee? Yeah. It sprinkling out there, so working on the grill is possible, but cooking maybe not? Fine. I'd like to get the griddle cleared, cleaned, and seasoned a bit. Then just cover it until the rain stops. Well, sprinkling. It's not coming down hard or fast. Just drops, here and there.
Up way later then planned. At 16:52, I am almost two hours beyond plans... hopes actually. I had no plans to actually be awake until 15:00. Just some whack hope with no real possibility? Or... so I thought. Oh, but everything hurts.
Hopefully, when I wake, the burger will be thawed. Hungry to my hollow heart. Hollow? Well, it hurts like it has been hollowed. To a degree, hollowed right out of my chest. Neck, shoulders, ribs, lungs, heart. Yea. Bedtime.
I don't mind. Oh... painkillers, before I sleep. A handful. I should take medicine, as this is almost when I should be waking up. But I... just... can't. It'll have to wait. Goodnight.
Pushing. Shoving. Moving along, little doggies. It's to
11:50. I don't think I made it to nine yesterday morning? And, was
up later yesterday than... in a while. So this is a real breakout.
Not done yet. Hoping to make it to 13:00... 14:00... just maybe
15:00. Or not. I may crash in ten. Can never be certain
after a certain point. I am well past that point.
Coffee. But, this time, real rather than freeze dried. The other
stuff hasn't been setting well with me lately. But I've kept using it
because... I didn't have the energy to do more. This time, more was
done. French press had to be cleaned. Ugh. It's stainless,
all around, so that isn't difficult. But... yeah... I cleaned the
coffee out first thing this time. I didn't realize old coffee and
grounds could smell so horrible. Now I know. But it really did
clean up very... relatively... easily.
Which... set of beliefs do you put your faith in, is the real question.
If you... don't know, in the secular plain, perhaps you would like to see a
few possibilities?
Trying. A bit confused... the clocks? Ah... that time of year? So... after a bit of reconsideration? Up at around 20:00. It was 48 out there, when I woke half an hour ago. Fed Sassy. But she was still hungry. So I fed her again. It's a rare thing, that she begs after having eaten. So, when she does, I... add a bit more. I do it for myself, if food wasn't enough... on rare occasions. Why wouldn't I do so for her?
Someone is really digging into some of my, if more recent, blogs. Need to sense various aspects of love. The hard, gritty, parts, on to the parts which are beyond the senses, nearly. The... joining part. Not even necessarily the physical, though that was in there. But the... changes that happen, when a man and woman truly become one. I honestly don't think, if you ever go there, you can ever not be there. Divorce doesn't change it. Not even death will erase that. It does complicate life, though. Makes me truly believe we were made to be together for life.
Still awake at nearing eight? Trying to push on around. If that is
possible. Warmth helps. Last night, at nearly midnight, it was
still 50 outside. This morning it is only 44 (which is... comparatively
to recent temps, quite warm). It is probably only that cool because it
is sprinkling. Did it rain? Or has it just been, more just begun,
sprinkling? I would guess the latter. There just isn't a lot of
moisture out there.
I did get out for food. Had to eat something. Not the best, but
food, sometimes, is food. And, sometimes, any food would do.
Any... food.
Long, hot, feet to brows, clean white and neat, mostly. Hungry, but I don't think I will end up eating. Just... too much work. I might pull some meat out to thaw tonight. If I can. Did get a load of darks going, in the laundry. I am definitely hungry. Might have to do something about that.
I've been sitting, in this chair, for weeks. No gaming, a few times out but only because of pressing business, appointments, or such. Even then, I have missed almost as much as I have made. Skipped a day, or week. You know.
Being clean is wonderful though. I'll say that right out there. And warm. I wash with... hotter water than most could take. You'll burn in this hot of water, most of you. Scalding. At least 120 F? I would guess, that or warmer at times. I'm... not normal.
Sassy has had her third feeding for the night. Lucky to be a cat? I cleared her litter. Thought it was going to be in much worse condition, but it was... an easy task actually. I'll refresh her water before long. I did it a day and an half ago, so have let it tank a bit long. Still, it's pretty good. I do check.
Well... on to something. Just wanted to... brag a bit. A shower might not be much to you, but it is a really fine thing for me. Later.
Is a story true? Do we have all the facts? I... will never
know. Even the stories I tell, there are things I didn't know, or didn't
mention. Some of those things are very important. But I can't know
everything, and some things get lost, in time. So, when another tells a
tale, I assume there are things unknown to the teller. Or things not
tendered for... various reasons.
War. It's... the shortest one word version of history. I have
written and said that before. I do believe it to be true. The
first blow was struck against God's will. Then Cain struck the next
major blow. Things have only gotten worse since. And, not just
among men. Whether from mans' actions, or through the loss of graces,
animals sometimes hunt us.
It was 20:30? And 41 F out there? Very strange. As well, 64 upstairs... at least near me. Very warm, as it has been more like 57, and that was warm. Up from a low of 51. The temps are jumping, inside and out.
Difficult. To wake. To sleep. Not doing either all that well. Hmm, best check with the VA. I have eye and general appointments coming up. Have to make sure masks are still not required. They made sure to let us know they can bring those back any time they want. I'll just have to cancel, and get eye done locally. And skip medicine again.
I know if the bike has stock front springs and rear shock, those will need to
be adjusted, immediately. But, more, in short order, will need to be
change. On-road driving, mostly, shouldn't be a problem. Assuming
no potholes or irregularities. But, even a bit of off-road and bottoming
out will become an issue quickly.
This first video is how to change the front springs. Will this be
enough? That I can't say. Well, I can say, alone, they wouldn't be
enough. Of course, some things were done to the bike already. This
might be one of them? I'll be able to tell easily, now that I know what
I am dealing with.
Couldn't wake up, either. Warm? Too warm? I finally got up around 22:00. Just here at 00:50 I checked the temp outside. It is 45? That... has been the high, during the day, lately. So, yes. It's just too warm, strangely warm. I had gotten used to it being cold. A quick flip in the other direction and... I have trouble sleeping... and waking. Ugh.
I paid most of the utility bill. I must have... lost track. It got up to a pretty high number. I paid two thirds of it this month, and will pay the rest next month. As well, I paid of the credit card I used for monthly orders, then made my monthly purchase. Mostly... all... bike related.
It's already 7:32. Last time I checked it was 30 outside. Not...
as cold as it has gotten. If not warm. Freezing, for a fact.
And cold enough to have frozen things fairly well, left to that tender
chill. Yes, cold, really. Nearing bedtime. Why was I awake
so late? Then again, I didn't wake up until rather late.
I espied a vid that... called me closer. A response? It almost
looks like it. But how? Not, obviously, from a woman in my
dreams. But... do women even still visit? Anyone? I... can't
be certain. If, one does, or several, I could see this being, from one
of them, for reasons I don't completely get.
I ended up in some... ivy league college. Didn't want to be there.
There... were reasons... to be there. If you know me, you know how...
uncomfortable I would be in such an evil place. But, sometimes, like
driving through Vegas, or visiting for exterior reasons, things must be
tolerated.
One of the classes I had some hope for, was a course on classical music.
The woman teaching the course, was an opera singer... one who had even made it
to my ears. Her class was one of the few I was able to choose.
As it turned out, it wasn't a course on the history of opera. Or on
critique, or listening for understanding, or... any of those things.
What I didn't know was it was... the creation of a choir, for a year, maybe
two... returns were possible, the following year.
Some students quit immediately, upon learning this in the first day.
I... held from dropping, before discussing this with her. I am not a
good singer. Though, as I mentioned, when I had died, in purgatory, and
I suspected above and below, singing was how communication was
transmitted. Though, there, one could be, was often in, several choirs
at a time, many really. Local, with someone close... in one or many
surrounding local, as if eavesdropping but politely welcomed to do so, and
then on up to the high choir that always sang praises to God. Well,
that... is how I remember things.
Anyway... I had to speak to her. I didn't discus this matter, well...
not initially. I merely wished her to know that I was not a
singer. Doubted I could gain skill. And let her know I was
terribly stage shy. But, if she thought her talents, and the way the
course proceeded, could manage my limitations, I would entertain the
challenge. She thought so, as she said, always with hope.
And so it went. I learned to sing. And... better than I had
imagined, down here on earth. Great? I... found a place in the
choir. As did most others.
In time, I told her of my story, of purgatory. I don't think she was a
believer, which sort of made the telling... awkward. And, yet, I think
it meant something to her. The tale, for her, touched something. I
don't think she was ready to believe, but... in time. And this added to
it. For she found me... honest... in some deep way. But, for the
moment, it remained and awkward thing.
As we became closer, she feared. She had many students... men... in her
classes... take a hankering to her. Her voice, as they became skilled
themselves, was alluring to the point of seeming love. I assured her, I
did love her. But... as a sister. In the full meaning
therein. I would love to have loved her more romantically, but I could
see her flaws too, and our differences. Even, in another world, with
fewer options, we... just wouldn't be compatible? Or... too
compatible? One of those. I could wish for the sentiments, but
they just weren't there.
Oddly, her disappointment in these last conversations were... more severe than
her disappointments in the last conversations... about purgatory. I
think she hoped I had fallen. Though whether for a feather in her cap,
or because she had some small trifling of affection for me, I could not
tell. I hoped for a particular one, but she... would never give it
away. A man can dream... of a feather in his own cap?
Ah, but the music, singing... and she was a beautiful woman, in most
ways. Quite the dream. A very odd dream, including parts of my
past I rarely share. I have dreamed this before, long long ago.
Decades? Close to two, give or take five. I loved the dream, but
it wasn't as full as this one. Or I just don't remember it as
well. I realized, while dreaming it, that I had... been here
before. Dream deja vu? No, not deja vu. A direct memory,
just within the dream? Odd. But fairly regular for me. I
must recycle dreams a lot.
Oh, but... for some reason, this song resembled some of how I sensed she felt
about me. She wasn't... romantic, with me. Just... women always try to puzzle men as they see us as the woman they are, could be, would be? Women are
nuts. Men are just crazy. :p Well... or so it seems.
Amen?
A lord? With very little interest in... ruling? Among... other things.
Candy was given away. I was beginning to have temptation. The truck pulled in as temptation was winning. I could have grabbed a few, but didn't. As well, money for dairy went out, for the month. So... a good start, that, for the day, week, month.
As well, I think I figured out why the wound hurt. It was cold. Trying to get it to heal, or at least scab, was problematic. And it would hurt so terribly, an aching, throbbing, pain of potent severity.
How late? I am not sure when I went to bed. Should have been to bed much earlier. I was absolutely bushed from yesterday. Had to stay up just to hand out treats. Then... just... drifted through the night. Couldn't sleep. Until 4:30? Or so. Set the alarm, or... put the 10:00 alarm to on, left the 8:00 alarm go. I think I heard it, but only remembered hearing it later.
I started waking at 14:30? 15:30? Didn't make it out until just now, at 17:30. Like a stone skipping from under the water, finally making it out? Something like that, if you can imagine it.
I keep looking. That one tool roll, with the multi-tools? Looks... spiffy. Would the wrenches and sockets truly work on SAE and metric? Are they well made, would they last? What about returns? I'm telling you, those sound great. Trust? Look, if such a system exists? Wouldn't other companies be making something like them? Or renting the system to put in their own tools?
They are expensive. But, if I was sure they would work for... actually I think they say for SAE, metric, torx(?), and rounded off nuts and bolts? They would easily be worth the price. And... what about replacements. What if I lost an 8 mm, or a 9/16 socket or wrench? Plus, they are lighter. They really seem built for travel, biking really. Though, too? They aren't a complete set. A fantastic starter set for everything from a bike to a car. But no specialty tools.
Somewhere between 20:00 and... I think it was 22:30? 21:30? Sometime between those last two. Up at about 1:30... for a while? I had such a long hard day that sleep is eluding me. Not much of a day, but it was rough. And warmer than it has been in a while. It was at least up to 45 here at home. But I'm guessing it got to the low 60's, mid 70's in the car. It was nice, but... I... wasn't ready for it? More made me sleepy than burned me out though.
Oh, and while the Xterra was in the shop, I walked to my credit union. The walk there, say a quarter of a city block down to the light, then half a city block to the building, about did me in. Strangely, the walk back was much easier. I more or less just had to work some kinks out of the legs, ankles, feet, and shoulders?
It was a good night, too. But, being a weekday, most just do parking lot deals. Where people drive in, open their trunks, and hand out candy among the locals. It's going more and more to that. Distrust? Limit candy intake? Shorten the night for parents. All fair, mind you.
I did find someone to take the extra candy. They'll be by tomorrow. My job is to keep out of the candy until then. Oh, I had some. But I think I can let the rest sit until it goes. Had to check anyway. It was fresh, good, as far as candy bars go these days.
A bit... there! Finally. The first group showed, two groups actually. Split about 50/50. Well, and the neighbors I know best showed. I suggested they show up when it looks to be over and I'd give them the jackpot, whatever is left. Not the money, but the candy.
I was starting to get a little depressed. I finally got the candy, had it on the correct night, didn't eat it, and have money too. So I would have been sorely disappointed if no one showed up. It can happen though. If it was a really cold night, raining, or such. Though often they postpone it.
It took two hours? To get the emission test done. Something wrong with their computers. Which meant I only just made it over to tax and dmv, and had to run back down to tax for the bike. They really weren't wanting to be helpful, but... got it done. Of course, their machines were not working well either, computer type. On the good side, I got the emission test for free? Or... well, it cost me time instead of dollars.
Well, and the bike cost just as much as a regular vehicle to register. The first time. No abatement for THAT tax. Still, got it done. So, now, the bike and suv are tagged for another year. And I got the tiny little motorcycle license. Cute, but not for that price.
Not sure why. I slept well. Not long, but very well. No more dreams of "plush", but that was... good enough for a bit. Too much dreaming is tough on a lad, even if he can avoid acting on it. Estrogen, it... is like sand. It gets EVERYWHERE! :p
My mother called. I called her the other day. She called yesterday, but quickly hung up, before I could answer. I... don't call her back when she does that anymore. If she wants to talk, she can. Or not. I stay on the phone, when calling her, until it goes to messaging. I don't play games, not even with her. Talk, not, meh. She stayed on the line this time.
...shorted a circuit? Lit a little fire? Umm, estrogen...
The scent, feel. But... the music. This is but a small sampling of what I have been experiencing tonight. Some hate, some love, some softness. Not all of it purely musical. The feelz. Coming in. Can try to avoid, hide. It doesn't work. A mare, or herd of them, wanting to be... noticed... will not be ignored. So be it.
Tools. This wrench (or spanner) set, that ratchet set, these drivers,
those... whatever. A kit? I have looked. But, to be honest,
I haven't been impressed. Most kits either are of lower quality, are a
quarter to half full of things I would never use, are overpriced even for what
is there, etc.
I... saw this vid, so clicked. A Britisher? Usually I just flick
those off. Peasants just don't... get it. For the most part.
Especially the ones who can survive y.t.'s leftism. But... something...
caught my eye.
I slept long. Very long. Not enough air flow through the house, was choking, I think. Opened the window a crack, near the sleeping roll. Helped. But really needed some sleep. Rest. When I woke, I opened another window up there. I need air. And, am getting it. The computer, front, room is cluttered. Full of boxes again. That isn't helping. But, closing up the windows... this house is very tight. You just have to crack things a bit, to get some fresh air, or you'll choke. Ugh.
Dreams. Women. No sex, just... cuddling? I think so. Women can be so... plush. Even the skinny ones, somehow. Wonderful dreams. Clean, comfortable, warm, fuzzy. Life can be so... wonderful. Sure, just dreams, but dreams of times not all that long ago. Like women or not, they are wonderful to snuggle up with, and more. But... this was just the plush warmth of resting together.
Hahaha! I don't care. Now, what is in your bike kit? That...
peaks my curiosity.
I have been looking that various kits from different folk. What do I
really need? How soon do I need it? You could spend a true fortune
on bits, baubles, specialty and standard tools, lifts, jacks, and a chemical
lineup from oils, greases, metal welds, to radiator fixes.
Seriously. I have put most of what I have seen into my cart, and I'd
guess, with everything, so far, I'd hit $1500 just on these listed
items. BEFORE hitting upgrades, updates, riding kit, or better/more
tires.
I think it was around... hmm... I should say, sometime after 10:30. But,
at 10:30 or 11:00, perhaps as late as noon? In there somewhere. I
don't remember AFTER 10:30. But insomnia will do that.
Sleep was gorgeous. I used the electric blanket, which really
helps. Once I get warm, after that initially shiverfest from getting in
cold, I sleep so well and pleasantly... as if on clouds. I don't need
heat for long. Just... long enough to create a bubble, warm the body,
then it takes over. Delicious sleep. And, that wound doesn't
hurt... as much, as often. The cold is a part of what causes it such
pain. Perhaps why it isn't healing?
For no reason I can understand. I woke up a bit more than forty five minutes ago, right at eight. Having gone to bed a bit before five? Slept warm, if only because I added the electric blanket into the pile, and lit it for a bit. Yes, that helps. It got so cold so quickly that I haven't been able to adjust. Like a turtle, I need time.
Once snug as a bug, and warm as a hare after getting well ahead in a race, I slept fine. Though not much sleep isn't making me feel great, it'll do. I'll try to push through into the day a bit. Though may end up back in bed.
...or consider... the dark. Whoever it is who lingers out there.
I was thinking, while watching the Wick movie thing... He has to
realize, Keanu Reeves... or whatever his real name may be if that isn't
it... as an actor? If he has tried to... do more than choreograph the
moves? That in war, there... is no hope. If you live,
survive? It... isn't your doing. Just as when you kill. It's
an amazing thing, to realize. Either very freeing or...
terrifying. Depends on if you can realize to let go.
When that happens is... never sure. Sometimes they do it the weekend
before? I thought. Or the weekend after? If I remember
correctly. Usually on the weekends though? Or... has that just
been that it has usually landed on a weekend? I... just wasn't
sure. So I contacted a more distant, now, neighbor.
Tuesday, I am told. There were no knocks, so... And he got the
dope from his sister, who is a local, and a mother. So... okay.
Seems strange but there it is. Which... gives me time.
