Brutal!

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Back to bed, to sleep, for... hours.  I wasn't sure I'd be back up today, at all, as horrible as I felt.  How much pain I was in.  How tired I was.  And with a cough, runny nose, and else to add to it.  I think it was around 7:30 when I went down?  Give or take a bit.

It took a bit for me to sleep.  But I wasn't really conscious, not fully, either.  I was a ball of suffering.  I did rewrap the leg, but it took a while for that to... be soothed.  And cold, I was cold.  Just... a ball of hurting cold nothingness.

Pain.

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I tried one of the new bandages yesterday.  Took it to my appointment, to show the medicals.  See if they approved.  It was applied there.

Now, it works.  It absorbs the goo coming out of the wound.  Doesn't go bad.  Can shower with it on, without a problem.  But?  But hit HURTS!  It's worse than a dry bandage pack on a wet wound.  It, basically, constantly debrides.  It pulls the gunk out.  Which... is good.  But it is as if it is constantly tearing at the wound.  It hurt all night.

Okay, I decided to check.

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Ghosted?  Checked with my friend.  Nope.  He... got called in, in foot boot and all.  And... did a fifteen hour day.  Further, he thought he was going to just be driving the plow, so didn't put anything on his foot.  He's... just glad he didn't get frostbite.  Gah!  I've given him thick hunting wool socks.  But... as he said, he was told he would just be driving, not... running errands, driving a atv plow, and other sich.

Yeah, okay.  Money is money, and with that much time on the road, and in this and that plow or vehicle... right.  I told him it's a good thing he is male.  He has no capacity to say no.  If he were a she, he'd... she'd... have fifteen kids and a pass at the hospital, or a room in "her" honor?  :p

Out and to it.

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I made it to the appointment.  My new primary was able to see me this morning.  Set it up when they first called.  Further, will be getting calls for other, local, appointments.  Heart, foot, eye (both), and... a social worker... to see if we can get me back to swimming before too long.  Look, I've lost 65 pounds.  Can't say I'm not holding up my end.  And, losing weight will save them money.  As will getting fit.  Pay a few bucks for a pass and some gas, or begin doing surgeries, dealing with a lost leg, and else.  Not blackmail, simply... an offer I hope they won't refuse.

BP was a little high.  I keep... worrying they will debride the wound again.  I... don't trust doctors all that much these days.  But, no torture today.  And, as mentioned, I haven't been taking medicine because I haven't been eating lately.  Still, bp came down to 128/83?  Before I left?  So... for my part... all good.

Awake.

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Ugh.  To bed after midnight, but wanted to try to be awake earlier today.  To try to take back the day.  Maybe just for one day?  I'll find out tomorrow.  I set the alarms for five and six.  The five alarm went off, and I snoozed it... twice?  Then turned it off.  But... became worried I wouldn't wake at the six alarm.  While sleeping I feared?  Yes.  Stupid?  Strange?  Unusual?  All but the last.

So, I woke around 5:35.  A shower, first thing, and feeding Sassy.  Coffee water was set to heat while I showered, and made immediately thereafter.  I need to clear the litter boxes.  I'm even mostly dressed.  Just pj bottoms, the rest are grown up, out the door clothing.  Enjoying coffee... and fudge.

Gaming.

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I tried to get others to play through certain parts of the game, to no success.  I did play with others, through their game.  There was one boss I just...  Okay, I played it twice and didn't want to do it again.  Two more times, this time, and I finally made it through.  Now?  Now I have no idea where to go next.

Oh, the game tells me where to go.  Just gives absolutely no real clue about how to get there (that makes any sense to me).  I hate it when a game is already more difficult, on the easiest setting.  But then doesn't offer any real guidance as to where to go or how to get there.  The thing is sprawling.  And... a passage could be missed?  Well, maybe not.  But... which one, after the fact, goes forward, and which one goes back?

Ah, they are... back?

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Different places, then before.  But... yes.  I couldn't remember.  So tired, sore, out of sorts, and such.  But... when I saw them I knew.

And, yes, I know why.  Even if they are... disbelievers.  Which... is all good.  I try to be.  When I can be.  As is possible.  About as many things I am pretty sure are true, even if that is uncomfortable.  Still... I... get it.  Amen.

Before the post was posted...

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Someone had already responded.  Either... they can see what I am doing, while I am working, through electronic snooping?  Or they... can just see.  My guess is there are some of both.  Which this was I cannot say.  Though... I... have a feeling it was from those with "simple" sight.  No tech involved.  My kind.

Two of the three.  Few viewed that post.  Which is unusual.  But I don't care.  I... don't post for you, or her, or him, or they.  I... just post, these days.  Three responses.  I will put up two.  And a few more on another topic.

Awake at eleven.

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I gave up waking early.  Today.  Tomorrow?  Back at it, for reasons.  I didn't go to bed all that early, or as late?  Sleeping long, and late, is all.  Stupid sleep patterns!

Still tired as a devil.  It wasn't my "mind" that really woke up, it was my body.  It, like a dog, gets up... when... it gets up.  And, then, it is up!  I'm just along for the ride.  For now.  Hopefully I'll wake up a bit better in a bit?  We'll see.

Strange.

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All VA business managed.  All appointments that I knew about, and they could find, have been removed from the SLC facility.  And have either been made local, or are being arranged to the best of my knowledge.  I liked my doctor, mostly.  Didn't always agree with him, not sure I trusted him.  But have sort of sorted some things out.  My eye doctor, and his intern?  I liked them, straight up.  I will miss them.  I just don't like odd people peeking in ever few minutes.  Especially ones who don't look like they have anything to do with medical practices.  But, in any case, that was... unnerving.

It is much better to have local.  Or... maybe.  I guess I'll find out when I go in.  Otherwise I will simply quit going for yearly checkups.  May see about going to a heart specialist instead, if I can't find medical care of which I approve.  Give that a shot, anyway.  Medicine is destroying itself in every way it can.  That may be the goal though.

Had to fight for it.

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First, had to wait a long time to get through.  About an half hour.  But the conversation was short.  If she sent me to the wrong system.  I had to wait another half hour to get through.  But, again, the conversation was short.  This time I got to the right place.  But, again, I had to wait a half hour to get through.

At that point, I had to argue with the woman.  She was trying to force the Ogden clinic.  I told her no, there is a closer clinic.  After debating this three or four times, I was beginning to wonder if I had been misled.  Nope, she finally looked it up or talked to someone and got it.  Then?  All she could do was put me in for them to call me back.

Why so late?

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Sure, two nights ago I went to bed at three, so waking at ten thirty made sense.  But last night I was tucked in by 22:30.  Still, waking at ten thirty, and just barely.  It was a struggle.  And I hurt.  Gaming too much?  Maybe.  That'll take it out of me, just as if working.  Which... is why I don't work.  I can't.  So, this will take care of itself, shortly.

I wondered if it was cold.  Looked out.  Huge clumps of snow coming down.  Looks like fake snow, to be honest.  But I'm... pretty sure they can't do that scale of fakery, even if they made a hell of a racket.  It's just too big of an area to fake that.  Besides, just to make sure, I went out and looked.  Sure looks like fake snow, the closer you get the more fake it looks.  It's about 31 out there.  Some drips, but that may be just from the warmth of the house and the new soft snow.  I think it's on the frozen side of that.  And, it looks like we got another four to six inches.  Which is stacking right on top of the rest.  We have eight to twelve inches on the ground, again, after it almost going away completely.

Pretty good.

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Coop play was okay.  I have... a lot more experience, with these sorts of games.  I am slowly showing... better practices.  Though he's a clever boy.  Being a starter, and a little more trusting, he went online and played with a much higher level group.  They were able to wipe out mobs and bosses with abandon.  I can't do that, am still a learner myself, in-game, of this particular game.

Still, I showed him how to level much more quickly.  And, got at least... three?  No, four skills, from playing coop.  I'm not sure if there are more?  But, it's a start.

Rough.

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It's just a difficult morning.  Getting up was so very difficult.  I didn't go down until three, so I reset the alarms for eight and ten.  Waking, just barely, at the ten alarm.

Sassy fed first thing.  The machines on and going.  A touch of apple sauce.  Just... something something.  Shouldn't, but... shut up.  Then, cleared the dishes so as to take a shower.  But first, onto the scale.

Always worried I've stopped losing, or even started gaining.  It will happen, though time.  It... just does.  You can't win every round, you just can't.  Still?  234.4.  Without a bm this morning.  And with a little food in.  not a lot, but it counts.  Down from 238 even, last time I stepped on the device.  Good.  Still, anxious for 220.  I want to see where I am at that point.  Still probably need to lose another twenty from there, I would guess.  So?  So, about, say, fifteen pounds from my intermediate goal, and thirty five pounds from my, probably, ultimate goal.  I'll know when... I look right.  That's from, at the very least, two hundred eighty eight, but more likely over three hundred, may three ten, fifteen?  I... stopped weighing when I got really heavy.  For shame.  And, yes, it can accumulate fast, especially when you give up.  Well, and they are feeding you insulin so you CAN'T lose weight!  Insulin simply stores fat.  That... is it's purpose.  Take more, gain more.  Especially for some people.  That was, at most, eight months ago.  And, two eighty, plus, say, three months ago?  

A mix of things.

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Some mine, some delivered, some... coincidence?  As you know, I do not believe in such events.  Though, there... is always chance based on whim, from things far older than even I.  Or... God works in mysterious ways.  I... merely notice, sometimes.  Though, is it whim, or chance, if it is in the mind of God?  Of course, it might not be God.  There are others, both of light and dark.  If... even a right angel can do dark things.  It... happens, or happened?  Even if it hasn't happened yet?  Something...

Yes, music.  It is my way.  Accusations, sympathy, empathy, hatred?  All sorts of things are possible.  I just... watched, collected, and am putting them out.

My friend is in a boot.

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Broken ankle, foot?  Some such.  So, I called.  Wanted to check in, see if he needs anything for a change.  Driving, shopping, or even a few ducks.  But, sounds like they have it all covered.  Sometimes, it really is the thought that counts.  And, yes, I do think... even about you folk out there.  I may be an asshole, a bastard, an sob.  But?  I'm... your asshole, bastard, sob.  Check.

Oh, but since I found out, for the most part, he his gaming.  Because he can't work.  His current main work requires ladders.  He... can't do those.  So, he is home, mostly, on the console.  In this game I am playing, I need help getting a few trophies.  Which require multiplayer.  Coop will work, with just two.  My trick is to figure out how to get another player in.  I have, pretty much, everything set up to prevent that, due to hacking vulnerabilities.  Even your friends can be hacked.  Can't trust any corporation, especially since they are all allowed criminality for government access.  Truth.

Sleep helped.

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I feel much better.  Not even close to great, or even good, but I'll take what I can get.  Most of the excruciating pain is gone.  There is still pain, but it is... more typical.  Slept a bit cold, but... slept.  Mostly.  Not wonderful?  No, it's... wonderful.  I'm not going to complain.  the pain and aches and else have eased enough to be below radar while I tinker with thoughts, other people's thoughts, "news", and gaming I would guess.  That's... well good enough.

Blood sugar is 126 this morning.  The best fasting blood sugar in weeks.  So, all good.  I'll take it.  Hopefully it will drop through the day.  Not the lowest I have had, but, generally, lately, fasting test has been the highest of the day.

How did I not get to bed earlier?

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It's 23:16?  I... have been so tired all day.  Gaming.  Enjoying this game, mostly.  But... tired.  I am surprised I made it past 18:00.  So tired I hurt.  Lungs, heart, truly tire to the point of pain, and dysfunction.  They aren't working as they should be.  All good, sleep soon.

Tomorrow is a holiday.  The appointments I was supposed to have are scheduled for the day after, but in the afternoon.  One has been canceled, fully.  No reschedule on that.  The other is to be made a local event, and ongoing.  But, we will have to sort that out.  I just won't go to the VA hospitals or clinics, directly, anymore.  Too far of a drive, they are no longer reimbursing travel, and they have gone as far into dei as possible.  Which... excludes me.

Local isn't better, but it is safer... in some ways.  Perhaps lower quality care?  We'll see.  Though, if a hospital's staff hates you, for your politics, the quality of care becomes questionable anyway.  Let them enjoy their new, and empty, world.  If you hate vets, and our opinions... you deserve to simply go away.  That will happen.  In time.

So sore.  That spear sensation?  Now it's as if it pierced the body, again.  And... has been so for a full day.  As I become exhausted, it only gets worse.  I won't bother with the bandages tonight.  Too tired, too sore.  But, in the morning.  Goodnight.

Gaming while it is snowing.

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It has warmed through the day.  Starting out at about 25 when I woke up, say around 7:30?  Perhaps a quarter earlier?  Sometime in there.  Then, by 11:30, it was up to 28.  Now it is between 31 and 32, but still on the frozen side.  Sometimes, up here, temperatures won't exhibit as they seem that they should.  It's chillier out there than it reads.  Wind?  Higher air temp?  Who knows, exactly, why.  But it's... pretty frozen out there.

It has been snowing.  It started when I looked out, or just a bit before really.  There was a dusting, but that has accumulated to... four to six inches?  The last few times I looked, it had been dropping straight down.  Lightly, but heavily.  I did step out, to read the temp, but didn't really look to see if it was snowing.  But I thought it still was.  Too tired to... think, remember to look, recall even if I saw... or not for sure.  I was thinking of grabbing the shovel, and giving a porting up near the garage door a bit of a shot.  But I couldn't.  Couldn't stand.  No way was I going to push the shovel with snow.  It's... just not a day for that.  Later?  Tomorrow?  Not?  I... can't, right now, is all I know.

Oh what a miserable night.

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At least I was able to sleep well yesterday night.  Pain.  My leg.  It hurt every time I rolled.  I couldn't find a way to be comfortable.  Laying on the front, back, either side, didn't matter.  Terrible pains, no matter.  I would sleep a bit then shift?  And wake up with a scream caught in my throat.  Not a sound, not a whisper.  But... it was in there.

As such, the five alarm was too early.  Almost the seven alarm too.  But I... wanted to get up.  To feed Sassy.  To take medicine.  Eventually to have coffee.  I'd like to hit dishes and laundry.  I'm sure what is in the dryer is dry, and nothing is in the wash.  I have a lot of whites to hit.  So, perhaps, I could start on those?  Only when I take what is in the dryer up, and after I have at least sorted the clothes upstairs.  THEN I'll hit the whites.  And, bring down sheets.  It's been a bit.  While I was able to make a bed back up, I haven't been doing sheets well.  Every two or three weeks.  It's... winter though, so... yeah.

A pretty good day.

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My back is aching.  More my chest, from the shoulder blade through, really.  And, mostly, just in the shoulder blade area.  It was worse, felt like a spear through.  Now it just feels like a spear in?  Right.  No, I... don't understand.  Technically it feels better, but... it's not... much better.

However, my leg wounds didn't eat at me all day.  There was no pain from those spots.  Bandage changes twice a day, lots of gauze, gently bound so as to not cut off blood flow.  Pretty good.  Though tonight?  I may... leave it open?  Maybe not.  I'd bet the scab would come back, at least in part.  Best keep bandaging it, for now.  Maybe, if it shrinks a lot, I'll try getting a scab back, for a bit.  I at least want to keep it open until I see a primary type care, and maybe am shuffled off to the special wound clinic.  Look, it's been at least six months, maybe a year?  It's been a wound there for a very long time.  That it hasn't gotten infection, or... worse infection... is just some sort of odd circumstance.  Especially the shape the house is in.

Soup, keto.

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I was able, in the end, to resist the urge to add a lot of carbs to the meal.  It didn't hurt that blood sugar was down to 113 this early afternoon.  It was 149 fasting, for whatever reason.  Debriding the wound may have had something to do with it?  But it has been slowly falling through the day.  Success breeds success, so it was easier to resist the temptation to add beans with it being so much lower.  And, so it went.  A very good soup.  I may have a bit more in a bit.  I won't heat it, just take it as is.  Though it's probably still warm.  It should be cool enough to put it in the fridge before bedtime.

I won't make the other pot of it, until tomorrow.  I miss hot food, when I haven't had it for a while.  I may add just a bit more hot spice to it.  I don't need the lessor hot spices, just a touch more of the carolina reaper flecks.  That... will tip it off just right.  The other levels of heat are just right.

I really want beans with burger.

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Rice, too.  And a tortilla.  But... no!  No, I'll make a burger soup, add cream cheese (half a bar... 4 ounces), bone broth... chicken or beef as both are good enough, cream, and sour cream.  Sounds like a lot, but I only add... well?  About four ounces of each, into two to three pounds of burger, a quart of bone broth, and about a quart of water?  Well, probably.  But half at a time.

Oh, and I'll make this one hot again.  Spicy food does something, almost like antibiotics, to... whatever ails me?  I think it does.  Plus, I so enjoy it.  I have cheddar, but it's old.  Not sure it would do, even per bowl.  Though, might try it in one.  As well?  I will add some of that keto rice.  That's... my gift to myself, for not adding beans and/or rice.  They keep trying to suggest brown rice works with diabetes.  I'm... almost certain it doesn't.  Though, cold, then reheated?  

Better.

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A trick to packing the wound, to ease the pain?  More gauze pads.  Especially at night.  Not perfect, but I got a bit better sleep.  I even was able to lightly debride the wound, when changing it, last night.  Didn't need it this morning, but it got a lite touch.  The ointment makes that... much more easily possible.  It's still an ugly process, a painful one.  Just... not... anywhere nearly as bad as what that doctor did.

As well, the gauze helps.  I absorbs what would be the scab, so there is nothing to take off.  And, it isn't sticking to the leg in the process.  It, the gauze pad(s), as deeply as needed, comes off without pulling or tearing... if I change it twice a day.  Which I am doing now.  Still?  It's... not an easy process.  But, mostly, doable.  Nothing like pain right before sleeping.

Ever feel as if...

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a spear is piercing from you shoulder blade through your chest, at a downward cant, back to front?  It's been like that for days now.  Not exactly sure why.  Too much sleep?  Something in the lungs, and infection?  A body ache from slouching, from exhaustion?  A side effect of antibiotics, or what I am taking that for?  I... just don't know.  It does hurt though.

It's past bedtime.  Still, good to stretch a little longer, when I can.  I'll set the alarms again, one for six, one for eight.  should be enough sleep time.  I'll also leave the door open, so Sassy can come up.  I'm trying to keep that available to her most of the time.  Just, some nights, I need to... touch nothing at all.  I need to sleep like the dead, and can't do that with a little furry friend.  She fusses so, before settling in.

Alright, I will relent...

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a little bit?  A little bit it is.  Regarding carnivore.

I just cooked steak.  A ribeye.  A thinner one, if not quite a true half cut one.  And, now, I love ribeyes.  But... having gone nearly purely carnivore, even it has started causing mild to medium nausea.  However, today, I... added green to my meal.  Not... the heavy stuff, like kale... just romaine lettuce, with my homemade dressing.

A specific order!

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You can do this.  You can do that.  Just... make sure you aren't shooting yourself in the foot by doing the wrong thing first.

Today?  I had thought to call the VA earlier.  No, I thought.  They suggested it was a holiday.  So times might be extended?  Holiday?  Anyway, so I thought to wait to Monday.  Then I got a call FROM the VA, informing me of my upcoming visits, or one of them... renal I think.  So I decided to call back in, and get that canceled, and see about local primary care.

So very tired.

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The dark?  The cool, and wet?  It's 33 out there, and seems to have been raining.  I didn't hear it, but I've been watching vids, looking for a new game.  Or series.  May have found a few.  Woke, but mostly not... importantly to game play.

I've takne my second antibiotic.  But haven't eaten yet, or had coffee.  Working on that, should have that shortly.  The food, the last of the custard, is plate and eat ready.  The coffee will take just a bit of tinkering to finish prep.  All good.  And, late, either another steak, or burger soup, or both... if I will only eat one.  The steak, of course, for me.  This time.  Burger soup isn't bad, if I can eat that is.  Though, it's the same with steak.  If I am too nauseous, it's a no-go scenario.

Up, before the alarm.

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Trying to improve things.  Other than lungs burning, occasionally, as if I had been hiking for a few hours, uphill?  Everything else seems to be back in order.  I haven't had much fever or chills... in a few days.  Maybe I didn't need that second dose.  But I'm sticking with it.

Medicines and minerals down.  I have one final meal of custard.  I'll get that in a bit, when coffee is ready.  I may, when I can get out and get eggs, make one last batch.  But, otherwise, I think it's time for big boy food.  I'm thinking burger soup.  Maybe filling both of the glass pots?  In one, I may add that "keto" rice.  It's pretty good, adds more texture.  I have sour cream, raw cream, cream cheese for the soups, so can... add some nice and varied fats.  Need to get more cheddar, for a nice addition to a few bowls, from time to time.

I made it?

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Right.  And, I have been trying to point the bow of the ship toward bed.  But it just isn't budging.  Sitting, looking here and there.  Reading, listening, but awake?

I did buy romaine lettuce, shredded, last time I was at the store.  Just... a keto cheat.  Though, really, there isn't much in lettuce, romaine or not.  It's water, but as such, is a good way to add fat to the diet through dressings.  If... the dressing is healthy.

I made my own.  Dressing that is.  Mostly heavy cream, some sour cream, and wine vinegar.  Well, as the main bulk ingredients.  Onion flakes, onion powder, garlic powder, salt, and dill weed for spices.  It wasn't perfect, but often it is better to let these meld overnight.  Still, went well with a few plates of lettuce.  As well, I had a few pork hocks.  Not bad, just not... perfect.  Hoping the dressing will come together by tomorrow.

Blood sugar came down to 130, if up a bit now to 134.  Watching it, since it had elevated.  I don't mind the direction it is going.  Just wish it would lower a little faster.  Eating actually seems to have helped it, mostly.  So... yeah.

Still up.

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I've just taken my third group of medicine.  Including the third antibiotic of four, and "night medicine".  I'm attempting to make it up another three to four hours, to take the final antibiotic.  Doing my best, I suppose.

I had hoped to hit the dishes, but that isn't likely to happen.  Tomorrow morning, I hope, again.  As to what is in the dryer?  I'm to sore around the ribs to mess with that, today.  Again, hopefully tomorrow.

Up... for a while.

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Almost three hours?  Right.  What a thing.  I went to bed midafternoon yesterday?  15:30ish, if I had to say.  Slept until 6:38... give or take.  I... needed sleep.  Still do, but... Sassy needed fed.  I needed food, medicine, and drink.  I drained a lot last night.  Needed that too, but it messed with sleep.  And I slept cool.  Not cold, or bitterly cold, but I never could warm up well either.  Which... in part, is why I stripped the bed this morning.  And, will probably go up and switch the matresses around.  I... need a warm, long, deep, sleep.  Hopefully tonight.  Though I'll be letting Sassy up tonight, so we'll see.  Still, I love the rugrat sleeping with me.  There is something... kind about it.

Breakfast, first thing.  The second to the last dose of custard.  Even too watery, it's still pretty good.  And, I did learn, and am adjusting for next time.  Very very good, even with my error.  Plus a coffee, and a water.  I have been drinking and eating a bit extra lately.  Making up for the weeks, months?, when I couldn't, wouldn't, eat.  Nausea is mostly gone.  But may return?  Don't know.

Reviewing options.

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Trying to sort out which type of wound care, I thought I'd... look out there.

Well, though, that depends on the type of wound?  Right, okay.  My type of wound is dry, small, if more complicated due to there being diabetes involved.  Even with diabetes being... reduced... significantly... the damage may well be done.  At least the ultrasound device should that my veins, or arteries?  Whichever, but whatever they looked at, were good.  So, it's... more a diabetes thing, not allowing repair.

Want to sleep again.

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Can't.  Just... can't.  Did call the VA number, reported the visit.  That should be that?  I don't know, have never worked with this system before.  But it is done.

Sassy is begging for food again?  Not sure what she is up to.  I'll go ahead and feed her again, it's been four hours, or so.

Awake on a cold day.

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Double socks, longjohns, long sleeved tshirt over a short sleeve shirt.  PJ bottoms when I can find them.  I thought I had a pair down here, fresh mostly, from yesterday.  Nope.

Sassy has been yeowling for the fifteen minutes it took to charge my watch.  And... sleep a bit.  I set the alarm for nine, having gone to bed at 23:00 and smallish change.  Wanted to try to wake up, at least to feed Sassy, within some reasonable time.  I woke at 8:30, but drifted to 8:50, then turned off the alarm and was about to get up when I realized my watch hadn't been on the charger.  The watch has some... functions that I like.  But has... drawbacks too.  A price for a feature, or many.

I made it.

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I wasn't sure I was going to make it.  Time was ticking, I had done a lot of work, I had been up more hours than I have in weeks... consecutively.  Or, mostly.  I was so very tired.  Still, a shower, dressed... in clean clothes.  Then off to town.

The visit lasted three or four hours.  I had to get down to my underwear and put one of those hospital gowns on, if they did leave a blanket too.  Blood tests, urinalysis, x-ray, and an ultrasound of my leg.  The wounded one, for some strange reason, was swollen way more than it even usually is, but the other foot wasn't.  Usually, when they swell, they do it at the same size.  Worried about a blood clot.

Audible?

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It seems I had a bunch of accrued credits.  One was going to time out this month.  I think I have all of the Lord of the Rings books.  Was... trying to think of something else.  Ah!  There are certain doctors of the church who have... attracted my attention.  The main one, in my opinion, of course.  But, too, the mystics.  The ones who also see.

It is a terrible thing to see.  Madness?  Maybe.  But, is it madness?  Sometimes?  Maybe.  One... can almost hope?  Some of the things to be seen are... difficult.  Even for one such as me.  So... I... ordered three or four or five, if I am not sure all of the orders went through.  I'll... know which ones I missed, if they are not there.  They are with me, always.  In... an odd way.

Alright, still... tinkering.

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Not fast, not much.  But...  I got most of the dishes finished and put away.  Then turned the socks, twice, before finally giving up and adding some heat for, hopefully, a final spin.  If I can get those done, I'll put the last wash of synthetics in the dryer, and let it go on fluff.  I'll run that two or three times a day, on fluff, since I am not in a hurry, until they are done.

As for the custard?  Wet.  It keeps giving off water.  It... isn't the best.  I would say that about two and a half cups of fluid is best, the majority of that being cream.  Say a cup and two thirds cream?  Right.  The texture is problematic, in this one.  More in that it simply won't set.  All good, live and learn.  Even if by mistake.

And, this custard will do just fine for this next week.  It won't be perfect.  It will be very much good enough.  A bit of r.o. water, with electrolyte powder.  I do have other cans of carbonated water, upstairs.  But... I... hold on to things, as they become scarce.  And this other is working for now.

Blood sugar, last I read, was 120.  Might have mentioned, can't remember.  This time it was 99!  I swear, my food is being tampered with.  It wouldn't take much sugar, in with the other, to cause a problem.  And, yes, it's not just a possibility.  It's... highly likely.  Some don't mind me here, others do.  Not necessarily how it seems, perhaps.  Or maybe exactly how it seems.  I can't be certain about that.  Though... there is cause to believe maybe that way too.

I've already eaten, twice.  And had plenty of fluid, without peeing all that much today.  So a weigh-in wouldn't be... the best.  Besides, with me eating much more lately, as I suggested, I have probably gained weight.  Not sure about bp either.  Still trying to get my life on track, then check these things.  It's been so off course lately, that... well... the numbers would be off.  So?  So... because of all the problems... I... had to do it.  With everything against it, I weigh... 238 even?  Up, like, .8 pounds from my last weigh-in, which was an uptick of .6 pounds over my lowest weight?  Okay.  I... can easily live with that.  Especially since I've been... eating... like... a fish?  :p  That's a bit of a relief.

Well... on to... waiting for the laundry to finish.  Then some sleep?  Oh, I'll call that number, make sure it's the number I am supposed to call, for after the appointment.  If it isn't, I'll... call around to see if I can find that number.  Later.

Bah!

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Still wasn't done.  But I didn't want to give it another twenty, or anymore really, at full blast.  But an open oven wouldn't work either.  So... I turned the oven off, closed it up, and am giving it twenty minutes.  I'm... pretty sure I can pull it then, then give it fifteen minutes on the counter.  Wow.  Very very strange.

Ah-ha!  I... know.  I was GOING to put two cups of water in, last time.  I only put one in.  And, the time before, I added more fluid then either time.  So... the extra twenty, forty minutes this time, was due to the extra liquids.  Okay.  At least there is a reason, other than a very slightly elevated humidity in the house.  That... wasn't adding up.  This does.

Nice run.

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Almost passed out though.

I went and got slacks, and some other synthetics, out of the dryer, and the woolens into the dryer.  On fluff.  Have to run it a few times, but so be it.  I'll add just a touch of heat if I have to run it three times.  Which... I will.  Then put a load of synthetics into the wash.  The final load, I think.  Well, of synthetics.  I think I might be able to pull a load of coloreds together, tomorrow, or next time I decide to wash.  Small, but... yeah.

I...

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didn't make it back to bed.  I turned the laundry in the dryer to a final spin.  Then... sat thinking for a bit, as I got ready for bed.  And, drank the electrolyte water.  But, while sitting, it came up to a few hours, and so feeding Sassy, since I was still awake, seemed reasonable.  I feed her portions of the 3.5 ounce cans... thirds at a time.  Not sure that is best.  But... every few, two to four hours, she gets a third.  Usually a can and a half to two cans a day.  Unless I am up exceptionally long, or sleep through it for great lengths.  So... her feeding schedule is rather... irregular.  It is as I can do, and the best I can do.

Then, I thought of dishes.  And, set up three small loads again.  In soaking now.  May do them within the hour?  Or two?  Something like that.  Oh, then I remembered to put the woolens in.  And a few smaller cottons, and synthetics might have snuch there way in.  Things I want sooner than later.  But, vastly majority woolens.

Up, just for a bit.

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I went in hard, sore.  With a worse headache from stretching than before.  It remains.  Between the work and staying up later, pushing, to do it?  I've strained something extra.  Which is fine, I guess.  Had to be done.  Didn't get to the ER, but will be ready when I do.

Wanted to feed Sassy.  Have been trying to get up for... a long time.  Just couldn't... sort my way out of sleep long enough or far enough.  Not sure when I went to bed.  Early afternoon.  13:30 to 15:30?  The latter, I think.  It's almost two and I still feel like I was run over by a big truck.  Neck, shoulders, headache, and just so tired!  But... that wasn't just the work.  It's part of why I need to go to the ER.  I'm wrecked.

Not bad.

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Starting to hurt in odd places.  Been awake too long.  Doing too much.  But... okay.  Look, sometimes you just have to suffer in order to attempt to get things done.

I got the stuff in the dryer pulled.  It was dry.  Put the wash into the dryer.  And set up one last load in the wash.  I want to get that stuff in the wash into the dryer, for one run, before taking a nap.  Then I got to the dishes.  One load was rinsing.  The others were soaking.  All was good.  I dried that which was rinsing, and set it out to air dry.  With the freezertop open, that was easy.  Then I washed the soapy dishes.  Clean.  So I set those aside, took a shower, then put them back in for a rinse.

I'll set a timer for an hour, then check the laundry.  That which is drying should be ready for a final warmer spin, to finish, probably.  But the wash may take a while longer.  And, the dishes soaking could be done.  Actually?  I may just go dump the water in the those, one at a time, dry the dishes, and be done with that.  So all I need to do is tend the laundry.

I cleared Sassy's litter boxes and have fed her twice.  She has fresh water from just this morning, so all good otherwise.

A good start.  I just need to brush my teeth before the nap, take the laundry up... whatever is dry, and fold or sort that.  Then take a nap or sleep, as long as needed.  Might not be out until tomorrow?  Maybe.  I... needed to be ready.  I'm getting there, but it is taking so very long.  I'm having that electrolyte water.  The plain water was okay, but as suggested, it wasn't doing the trick.  This is.

So sore though.  From bending, flexing, lifting, pushing, pulling, hauling, while still not in great shape.  Which... is fine.  I'll have some rest time coming up soon.  Ugh.  Later, or goodnight.

So thirsty!

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I was so focused on saving the carbonated water that I kept forgetting about the r.o. water.  And, I kept  trying to work.  Indeed, working.  Small... bits at a time.  For short times.  More than I thought would get done, in and over time.  So, finally, when I surrendered, and got a jar of water?  Very nice.  So very thirsty though!  I'll probably polish off this quart, then have a bit more, though next time with electrolytes.  I NEED some fluids.  But water isn't going to cut the whole of the need.  Can... fix that.

I put the load into the dryer.  Though I had earlier, but no.  Putting my pj's in the wash, with a few other dark cottons, poly/cottons.  Almost started that, but remembered I needed to shower.  Oh, and between this and that, the first load had finished it's first run.  So I started that.  Took my shower.

Well?

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The freezertop has been washed and well.  Should be dry?  Then, trash and recycling gathered and out.  What a chore.  One of the bigger bags got stuck?  I... wrestled it out, after a bit.  Then hauled it, too much in that one.  Lots of cat litter.  Have been feeding Sassy ever few hours, and took care of water and litter again today, earlier.  And put the laundry over into the dryer.

Having been a good boy, I am having custard.  The last of this batch.  And the custard form is soaking.  Oh, and did hit the freezertop one last time.  Should be good for dishes in a bit, or later today.  Yes, the trash and recycling are both to the curb.  Full to the brim, both.  I hope it is recycling day.

Up, for a bit?

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I was awake until... 15:30?  Give or take.  Way late, given the givens.  But, I did get laundry started and the freezertop cleared.  Oh, and took care of everything Sassy needs, if it was all in pretty good condition, other than feeding her.  That can never be... up to snuff, other than to be regular.  Which it has been lately.

Up at about 1:30, so... eight hours, right?  But with an odd headache, one I get when I have pushed being awake too long.  Didn't really want to wake up, but I want to do a few things before tomorrow.

Oh well.

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I am absolutely finished.  I kept staying up, pushing beyond limits, trying to get more work done.  And, I did get a few things done.  But that's it.  I am absolutely at an end.  No, I... didn't reset laundry, take a shower, or clean the freezertop.  I don't think the laundry is done.

Nor will I.  Bedtime.  So very tired.  Goodnight.

Midafternoon.

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Oh, but... finally... a bit going.  I cleared the freezertop.  I haven't washed it yet.  But it is clear.  And, after clearing it, I pulled meat for the fridge top freezer, and put out some to thaw.  Finally.  Burger and some steaks.

I fed Sassy again.  She's been... getting some good eating lately, too.  In part to make up for going without.  Weening her from the extra will be a chore.  I'll worry about that then.  Cleared her litter boxes as well.  Not much in them, and they are still in excellent shape.  While I don't... remember doing well, I have been.  It was only a few days were it got pretty bad.  But it takes a while to even show, so it... was a while.  And changed her water out.

Still awake?

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Not... quite.  I have never truly woken up.  I got enough going to get coffee brewed, and something eaten.  And, since, have had a bit more to eat.  But, that's... it.  I keep trying to push through, to do some work.  And think I will get at least the freezertop cleared.  Maybe cleaned.  And, if so, meat pulled to thaw, and more put in the fridge freezer.

IF I can do that?  Then, on to opening up the bathroom for a shower.  Possibly taking the shower.  As to getting laundry in, then dishes started?  Those are possible.  Even... before going to bed.  Just... I'm not even sure about the first stuff.

Very good.

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Took forever for me to finally wake enough to get going with coffee.  I... got the pot hot enough twice, at least, before the final time.  And, then, got going making coffee the third or fourth, maybe fifth time?  Just couldn't focus, think, remember, wake up.  Which... is fine.  Given my various problems?  Okay, yeah.

Now, I don't hurt.  I'm a bit cool, but not frigid, if heading that way.  Coffee helped, but is already passing.  I had a single serving of custard.  Delicious, again.  But... I'm good on that for the day.  I may have some pickled pork hock, but not a lot.  Then, get back to gaming a bit?  Or a nap, or sleep.  I'm not absolutely sure.

Surprises.

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Only down nine hours.  It was a cold sleep though.  One of those nights that no matter what I did, I could not get or stay warm.  I didn't use the electric blanket.  By the time I realized I was too cold, I was too far into sleep to attempt to make up the bed so that might be effective.  It would have worked, but couldn't crawl out of sleep to implement it.

Still, sleep was mostly good enough anyway.  And I slept well and long enough.  I expected to sleep for... days.  But just didn't need it.  Though I may be back in bed more shortly than otherwise?  Won't be eating, or eating much, today.  A cup of this, three ounces of that, more likely one or the other.

How did I not crash?

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I... pushed so hard to get the custard in.  And, yes, it took many hours to finally get that done.  And, then ate.  Couldn't go to bed.  My stomach hurt!  Then, when I could probably have gotten to bed?  I... was unstuffed enough to... have more!  So I did.  Then I wanted to wait to let that go down.

My body is processing that food well.  But it still takes time.  Oh, delicious, hot or cold.  Wow.  That's been a joy.  It melts on the tongue, before I can really chew on it.  Or... do much.  It just disappears on the tongue.  Like fine ice chips, only not cold.

Oh my.

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So very worth the wait!  And, another thing?  That bigger cooking vessel?  Doing the whole batch together?  Much, much smoother.  This is like eating... warm ice cream.  The best notion of that idea.  More?  I had a big helping.  I went crazy.  Then I had another!

I haven't eaten that much at one time in... since Thanksgiving dinner?  Right, about that.  Two servings, about a cup and a half per?  Or so.  Oh, absolutely delicious.

If I had to say?

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Only awake because I REALLY wanted custard.  And... it has taken me a long time to... get to the pot and form, get those washed.  Then redo a batch.  And... finally... get it going.  But, those things were done.  And, then, when I could, the batch was mixed.  And, finally, it was put together, and put in.

The beeper just went off.  And, boy was she right.  Longer, in a bigger custard form.  It's been thirty five.  The smaller ones were done at about forty five.  This... is still liquid!  It'll be a while.  Ah!  But I did forget something.  I set it for 350.  Last time I set it for 375?  Give or take, but goodly warmer.  Something to do with the elevation.  How, for me, things work better, is if I turn the heat up some... bit.

Still awake.

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I had meant to make a bigger batch of custard, eat, then go to bed.  But, something went wrong in the process.

I found a bigger container, in which to bake the custard itself.  And, I found a bigger All-Clad sauté pan... 6 or 7 quart?  Big enough for my needs.  I whipped the eggs, cream, and else.  Got it into the baking container.  Then filled the sauté pan with enough water, I thought, to come up to the edge of the baking pan itself.

Awake, again, for a bit.

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A few pork hocks.  But mostly water.  I want coffee, not ready for it.  So... water.  I wish I had something else to drink.  Can't do bone broth, just not up to that either.  Water it is.  I fed Sassy, when I woke a few hours ago.  Will game a bit.  Then feed her again before going on back to bed.

I had to check something.  It told someone something.  But I wasn't sure... I had done what I said.  I kept wondering if I had just dreamed doing it.  Then I would sleep for a bit, and... again... not be sure I did what I said I would do.  So, finally, I got up to make sure I did what I said I would do.

Still awake.

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I'm stumbling from barely awake to hardly awake to awake because of nausea.  So, it's... not like it seems.  I hurt.  My heart hurts.  I am tired.  The coffee didn't... do as was hoped.  It just caused a nearly flushing nausea, with the sweats from it.  Not... feverishness.  Just... that flush feeling.

I have been gaming, to keep my mind occupied.  And, I had packages arrive today.  Perhaps just a dream, that I will ever get to sewing the jeans, taking them in in places, and such?  But... I... live on, perhaps in, dreams.  So I ordered the needles I might need.  From 90/14 to 110/18 sizes, plus one in the middle.  Or... one batch.

If I can get to it, I have everything from standard jean needles, to heavier leather and upholstery needles.  Not a huge number of most of them, but a at least fifteen of each type.  If one really does stand out, as superior, I may order extra.  I have a lot of jeans to work with, on.  Both ones that were fitting me at 280 to 300, and those which were fitting me at 250 to 270.  None of those will fit, rightly, currently.  Oh, and the ones I was wearing when I arrived, and weighed more like 320.  

I'll start with the largest ones.  If I ever get going.  I will use every technique I have seen.  Decide which ones seem to work the best for my size and shape, and according to my eyes.  Then use those in the second tier out.  Then, eventually perhaps, begin working on pants that mostly fit.  Just need a bit of minor shaping, sizing.

Or... not.  And, as with many of my dreams, they will just... gather dust.  But I... have to hope.  I have to buy with hope, goals.

Oh, but I sure hurt.  It's bedtime time.  I'll sleep the weekend, and hope to be up and out by Monday, or Tuesday.  Or... Wednesday?  Ugh.  Goodnight.

Ugh, don't want to go.

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Not... so much that it is medical.  Though I will ensure some limits to their... practice.  But I can do that.  No, it's that I am so tired!  I just want to sleep.  May have to?  But... I did call.  The mask isn't required here anymore.  So, there is that.  And I know about where to find them, after looking them, and their map, up.

Oh, I want to get it.  But I don't know if I can.  So very tired.  I need... a day or three of sleep before I can get in.  Yesterday, the illness, and else, have taken it out of me.  Oh... the for the VA, I just have to call a number.

I was surprised they allowed me to go to the ER, locally.  But, okay.  Ugh.  I... just... can't today?  I'm going to have some coffee, see if that helps.  That's the only thing that might help.  Don't really want it, nausea remains.  And the thought of coffee isn't... terribly inviting.  But... it... might help.  Trying to do as told.  Will... try.

Later or goodnight.

Hmm... calls.

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I am still awake.  But they started it.  Got a call from the VA.  They want blood tests before the next visit.  So... okay.  I then tried to have them connect me with my primary care up there.  But that didn't work.  So I called through again, went through a different system.

They sent me to a nursing management system.  They took way too much time verifying, but... It's done.  Then, set me up with a nurse practitioner?  Or such.  Hopefully to be simply sent medication, so I don't have to go out.  I... have doubts.

I've been up for a while.

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But it's hitting bedtime.  I'm hoping to wake later, to make some calls.  But who knows.  I did have the last custard.  But had to add some sweetener.  Just couldn't eat it without that.  As well, had pickled pork hocks.  Which... it's... just been nice to be eating carnivore food that I have truly liked.

Mostly, though, just water.  No coffee.  Not much else.  And really not all that much of those things.  But I have consumed a goodly amount of water.

Up, sure...

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But... what time did I go to bed?  15:30, at a guess.  I was up slightly after 1:00... five... ten... minutes after.  About that.  An hour and change later, here I sit.  I was looking over some of the posts someone viewed.  How many viewers are there?  One?  Two?  And... a bunch of... hired viewers?  From somewhere?  I wonder how much it costs per "click"?  Or... maybe that can be automated these days?  *grins*

I don't mind the vagaries of life.

The... odd things they.... catch?

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I let out in a conversation, my station as being the son of minister.  Then... this.  And... a collection of others.  It's... almost as if they know something or think they do.  The devil you say?  Aye.  Not... the devil you know.  *wink*

Made it.

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Not barely, but... sort of barely?  What kills me is how long it takes to get there.  Some days it takes two, even closer to three hours.  Some days it takes just a bit over an hour to an hour and a half.  I just can't tell which it will be.  I meant to head out around 4:30 this morning, but didn't get started until 5:30?  Or so.  I... was a bit worried, had an eight appointment.  

But I got there by just at 07:00.  I mean walking in the door at 6:57 type.  Which... was fine.  I decided to go have breakfast... after checking the time.  The open at 7:00, so the long walk would see me just in at the opening.  And there were a few workers there before me.

The newest food trick?

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I have been making soups.  And... leaving them on the cooktop.  Eating from them for days.  I... just... don't like that.  Though, I don't think putting metal pans in the fridge.  Nor do I like plastics, anymore.  I do have glass containers, but not of the right sizes.  Ugh.

So?  So... I bought some glass pots.  So as to cook the soups.  Let cool.  Put in the refrigerator, perhaps with clingwrap over the top as well.  Then, to pull back out in the morning, remove the wrap, let warm.  Then, later in the day, to heat up and redo, over and again.

Brutal?

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Perhaps, but more loosely today.  Just... still so very tired.  Most aches are eased, most pains have subsided.  Not even hungry.  I found some test strips, after looking everywhere.  Who knows how old they are, but they seem to work.  Reading 144, which... is really wrong.  But... oh well.  

I have had three cups of food in the last six days, seven?  Eight maybe?  And one fatted coffee, maybe two?  And I have been careful with any sweeteners, both using them how they work best, so as to limit blood sugar impact.  So it doesn't make sense.  But, as I mentioned, oh well.  The way I do coffees usually lowers blood sugar.  I'll make one of those before I crash again.

I wanted so to go to bed.

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But I really wanted something to eat.  Then I remembered.  I have eggs!  And, a carnivore recipe, for custard.  Really simple, if it took longer than... a simple scrample or such.  But... is much easier sounding, on the weak stomach I have.  So... I... got it all together, set up, in, and finished.

Then I ate.  I did make two types.  One just as plain as Jane.  One with a keto sweetener, vanilla extract, and cinnamon.  I could barely get the plain one down.  But the fancier one went down like a dream.  I made four containers of the stuff.  Two remain, for later.  I'll see if I like the plain one better, then.  If not, I may melt cheddar for on top?

Ah. Still awake.

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Went looking for waist reduction, and hemming, videos... for jeans.  Though I'm sure that will work on slacks.  Not sure about cargo pants, but those are sort of born a bit sloppy... up to a point.  Still, if I can obtain the skills, and get the look and such right on a few practice items?  Then move one to newer pants?  We'll see.  May try even the cargo pants.

I won't do the vids today.  Maybe soon.  Just... but I did find and view them.

Coffee.

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I almost skipped.  But, no.  I wanted something something.  Not... to stay awake.  I doubt I'll finish it tonight.  Might not even finish half?  Close, so... maybe.  Just... everything is heavy right now.  Except water.  Water is... good.

While looking around I bumped into some things that have been on my mind.  As I lose weight, clothes... are... changing.  But, do I want to buy all new?  At most, not yet.  If possible, no.  But, I don't want to walk around looking like a bum.  Or... more like a bum than I already do.

Well, another short uptime?

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Not sure when I woke, last time.  But I went down a bit before 14:00.  Now, am up around 22:30.  Won't be up too long.  Just wanted to feed Sassy.  Though, this time, I'll tend her litter boxes.  All fresh, across the board.  I did get her fresh water earlier.  I... fell behind on that, too.  But... we'll... be doing better, now that I am not frozen in chills and fevers and sleeping for days on end.  I had no choice.

Dreamed my house disappeared.  I... woke up in the downstairs bed.  It and a phone, not my original, some odd type, were all that remained.  Clothes, canned foods, all other furnitured... everything... was gone.  No trace there had been a house here.  I didn't, because it was dark, go check to see if there was a hole where the basement had been.

Couldn't get to coffee.

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Just too tired.  And... a bit of a fever came back.  I sat here, hoping... I would be able to get that going.  But, no.  I will brush my teeth then go on to bed.  I may be up before too long, say in three or four hours again, to feed Sassy.  But probably not much more.

Getting queasy again, as well.  Stupid situations.  Still, even as uncomfortable as it is, again, it is far better than it has been.  And, sleep will solve most of this.  Still the 6th?  Ugh.  It seems like a week that I have been down, since last time.  Strange, this time, that the timer seems to be ticking, in the back of my mind, as I sleep.  But on a fast timer.  Hours seems like days.

Yes, I'll feed Sassy, brush my teeth, then go on back to bed.  Good... day and night.

Awake, again.

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Just for a bit.  I wanted to get up and feed Sassy, since I was awake enough, and feeling good enough to get up.  I'll have a fatted coffee, for something... slightly nutritious, or fatty anyway.  It's... been days since I've had anything other than water.  Couldn't even eat much fruit or yogurt.

I'll do a bit of looking, online.  Then, after the coffee, brush my teeth and go on back to bed.  Sleeping as needed, which... will probably be... the next day or two.  At least I am feeling better.  Simply tired, sleepy.  Too much of those latter to escape sleep, for the moment.  But that is far better than it had been.

It's bacK?

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Not... as bad as it was.  But, yes.  It's back.  I tried to eat, but that just didn't work.  I'm finishing off the fruit, for that is slightly edible, and it is something.  But yogurt and fruit just didn't work.  And yogurt alone, as a first shot, didn't work.  And... nothing else could have gone down.  Just... nothing else is able to be eaten.  And, the fruit really... isn't all that good.  Like I said, it is something, and can mostly go down.

Aches, really, are what is back.  And exhaustion.  The painful kind.  I played the game, for a bit.  But was falling, am falling, too hard and too fast to continue.  So, I'll... go on up to bed for a bit.  At this point in life, I need to sleep when I need to sleep.

That water really helped.

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Initially it didn't seem so.  I felt as rotten, initially, as when I forced myself to get up.  Horrible.  Terrible.  Rotten.  So I had to go on back to sleep.

I must admit, when I got up there, and tucked back in, I felt better.  Not great, but sleep was easier to attain.  And more comfortable.  I slept well for a few hours, then began to wake.  I wasn't sure I wanted to wake up though.  So, kept trying to sleep.

Finally, though, I felt good, and comfortable about waking, right at 3:57.  I turned the light on and... thought about it for three minutes.  Finally I realized waking up was a good thing.

There are still some aches.  But not nearly as bad as before.  No fevers, or chills... or at the moment.  That fluid just... did something.  Hoping to get back to some sort of health again, in these next few days.

Not hungry.  I haven't eaten in days, and probably won't for a few more days.  In part due to illness, in part due to going carnivore.  Just... can't eat.  Food doesn't sound good.  Anything.  I'll admit, if fast food sounded good, I might just go that way.  But it doesn't.  Nothing sounds tasty.  I may try some yogurt.  And, if that doesn't work, see if I have some fruit cups around somewhere, and try it with that?

I don't want to eat, but I need to eat, I think.  Food, like water, is sort of... needed.  Or, I suspect.  Oh... but on the scale...  Wasn't sure I should, after drinking so much liquid, and not yet peeing... but... on I went anyway.  At 238.6, it's... still... better.  My last weight was 242 even, on February 2nd, so... yes... all good.

Well, on to... something.  Later.

On back to bed.

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.

I tried to stay up a while.  Did, really.  But that's done.  I am so absolutely crushed.  I have to go on back to bed.  I will take water, five cans.  I won't drink whole cans at a time, perhaps a third, or quarter of a can when thirsty?  Or less.  Just... a sip, really.  I did drink three cans, while up.  But that is because I slept for three days and... was so very thirsty.  Fevers do that, as do chills actually.

I fed Sassy one more time, and refreshed her water.  I'd like to clean her litter box, but I... just... can't.  I hurt so bad that I just have to go on to bed.  Brutal.  I hurt so very terribly bad, in so many ways, that I can't do much else.  Just getting up to go to bed will be a trick.  This time I am taking three pee jugs up.  That should last me... maybe a week?

Oh ouch.

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I have been sleeping for... days?  It sure seems like it.  The fever, and chills, and aches, are impressive.  Collar bone, my stomach, belly?  Kidneys, legs.  Thighs, hips.  Everywhere, pretty much.  Oh,  True agony.  

It took a long time to finally be able to wake, so as to feed Sassy.  She... isn't going to eat well or much.  It's just how it goes.  I can't.

Absolutely freezing.

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The chills, hard.  Going on back to bed.  Oh, I'll feed Sassy first.

Couldn't get trash or else out.  Just... so... terrible.  Shaking, feverish, chills, it's... as bad as it has been in a... few days?  Damn, but life has been uncomfortable lately.

All good.  On to feed the twerp, then sleep.  I'll... turn the electric blanket on as well.  Odd to have chills and a fever at the same time.  Can barely type.  Later.

Or... goodnight, really.  May sleep for... a few days.

A response.

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.

Shaving that one a little close?  True, if I had to lay odds.  Someone knows... something about which they speak.  They know my name.

Good sleep.

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.

I... needed sleep.  Wasn't sure I would get it.  Sassy sure wanted me up.  I fought her, my own inclinations, and all else.  And, made it to 1:30?  Giver or take ten.  Even so, I'm... it's... tough.  A bit of a fever.  Just light, under the skin, on the fringes, edges.  But it's there.  It's been there for weeks, months probably.  Not as noticeable when warmer.  Not always noticed, even in the cold.  A slight, permanent, infection?  Or... of late.  Though, I think I have had something in me for... since I became ill nearly forty years ago.  Something that comes and goes, or is more present or less more like.  Fever is always there, just doesn't show as much this time as that.

Which is why, while they found nothing in the biopsy, the antibiotics still did a lot of work, on various parts of my body.  Did... strange things.  There are terrible things living in me.  I suspect doctors knew, just were hoping those things would take me out, if the heart didn't get me.  Or that these things would make life so miserable that I would commit suicide.  Which... actually I did.  Even that didn't work.

Awake, yet.

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Probably just because I became too numb to remember to go on to bed.  It's nearly noon.  So, okay.  I don't mind procrastination, through incident or accident, working toward my providence on some rare occasions.  All good.

Having some more water.  I couldn't have coffee.  And food is way out.  But... a few sips of lightly flavored, totally unsweetened, sparkling water will work.

Good, but very light.

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Life, for the moment, that is.  I... don't hurt.  Yet.  I will, if I can push it.  If... I don't think I can push it today.  But... soon.  Still, that it doesn't hurt most places, or much?  And, I was able to eat, and really enjoyed the burger soup.  Made more... for tomorrow.   Plus, I have... a plan on how to keep soup ready, and a bit safer.  Just... leaving it on the stove isn't the wisest.  But, putting a steal pan in the fridge isn't the best either.  And, I am trying to get away from plastics.  So... a plan.  We'll see if it works.

A coffee, which was fine.  A bit filling, along with the soup, but... It helps me get a few more calories in.  And, yes, I... now have to fight to do that.  There have been times when I got too much in.  But that is no longer the case.  Which... is fine, mostly.  I just don't want to push that too far.  So, I... do try to get that extra dollop of cream in.

Ah, that might have been it.

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The soup I made last night?  I... was thinking it might not have been done right.  Well, and it wasn't.  First, it was far too flat.  Then I oversalted.  And... then, somehow, I made or left it too fat, but the wrong kind of fat.  Burger juice, when it is the main fat, is... too... wrongly fatty.

So I worked it again today.  Adding sour cream and whole cream, water, salt in moderation, and put that on heat.  And?  And that turned out wonderfully.  I love it when it works.  And that worked.  And is so very filling.  Though, I did have two bowls.

Then again, yesterday, I feasted on chicken.  So... right.  That, I was full, on top of the soup not tasting good.  From the problems.  So it was a double thing.  Oh, but simple beef soup?  I'm telling you, you really can't beat it.  If I could figure out how to pull the meat off a chicken, that would work well too.  Hmm... may have to make another whole chicken, roasted.  Eat what I can while it is warm.  Then shred all the rest after it cools.  That might do, it's just... it's a bit of work.  Between the prep, baking, and eating.  Having energy over after.  Though... I could put the remnants in a ziplock bag.  That would do, if I didn't have the energy left to pull the meat that night?  Sure.

Because, chicken soup would be better, IF the chicken is good.  And I have been having great luck with whole chickens, but they cost $15  bird, or more.  Ugh.  That's more than I pay for steak!  And... probably per pound of meat, too.  Double ugh!  Still, soup lasts... a week.  A chicken, for a pot, for the week?  Or even three or four days?  Yes... maybe.

I have been looking at grass finished beef.  But boy do those cost.  Not sure I'd go for a quarter or half, or such.  Just... no.  I don't eat too much of what is offered.  Have little interest in tri-tip roasts, or sirloin, definitely not bottom round roasts.  Just... haven't found a good use for them.  Too lean to eat.  Though sliced, could make jerky.  But... that'd... be far too expensive for jerky.  If I make jerky, I'm looking for beef at half that cost, or less.  I also don't piss in silver vessels, let alone gold.  Just saying.

Still, the ribeyes?  If they actually prove out to taste better, and I get the sense there is a better health factor to grass fed and finished?  Maybe.  Especially since a full placket of ribeye, a box of burger, and couple of chuck roasts would last me three to five months.  So... yes, maybe.  Although?  The prices vary from one ranche to the next.  Some are as much as double the price.  I'm suspicious of the cheaper.  But also suspicious of the more expensive.  If... my suspicions are different per.  :p

Hmm, coffee is even good tonight.  It wasn't yesterday.  But, then again, I was full.  Something about being full, or nearly, or having been recently?  It... changes my whole attitude toward food and even drink.  If I've been full withing twelve to eightteen hours?  I... don't like food anymore.  A good thing.  I don't mind that.  Sometimes I even have to push water.  When I know I need water.  Still, all good.

--------

Walked off and forgot to post.  Its...three hours and change later.

I gamed.  But may be quitting the Arc game.  There are all sorts of troubles with it.  It loses stuff.  Important, big items, that took a very long time to create.  Makes it impossible not to cheat.  The game just... forgets.  Fails.  And, it's so complicated, that... remembering how to make things is nigh on impossible.  Plus, some of what is required is... very difficult to even find, even with some sort of cheat on.  Plus?  Some of the rare items disappear (planned this time) over time.  It's... just... too much.

I like what they thought to do with the game.  But it is asking too much.  More so on consoles.  Which have memory limits/problems and too few of inputs.  I hate spending three days making an item only to have the game just... forget I had it?  Wow.  It kills any incentive to work it.  Then one just uses the cheats to create it, then starts... making other things while at it.  But... that totally kills the game.  My mistake in buying it.

It is an improvement over the previous game.  But, it is broken in ways the old game wasn't, too.  Oh well.  I'll see if the other game has some sort of race going.  Both games, though, try to force you to play online.  Penalize, even cheat against you, if you don't.  Which... is a reason not to play those games.

Either they are fishing for data to steal, or somehow using your system for their uses, at best immorally, probably illegally, to hack other machines or systems.  Or, that's my guess.  No one does anything because all the big players are doing it, or trying to do it.

Well... on to something.  Maybe just back on to bed.  Not sure yet.

Oh well.

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I tried to stay in bed longer.  And, did.  Waking, initially, at a bit after 17:00, just crawling out here at almost 19:00.  I... wanted another hour or two, but that just couldn't happen.  Sassy was fed first thing.  And... water is heating for coffee.

I realized something as I was waking.  I have a waist.  At least when laying down.  I haven't had a waist in almost forty years.  I... now... really do.  When standing or sitting, a bit of the puff comes back,  But it's still becoming a waist, clearly.  When laying down, it is absolutely a waist.  So... different.

Out, I got.

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.

Early enough to get to the bank.  Well, atm thereof.  Money.  Always have to have a bit of money.  Plus, I was hoping to get cash for dairy.  I just... wasn't sure it would happen, or that I could make it, tonight.  I did.

While out, I stopped at the store.  Bought food.  When I go for visits, I like to bring food... especially when I haven't eaten in days, literally.  Fried chicken.  Oh, the breading... not much to do about that.  And, a donuts.  To share around, though, too.  Plus, I was out of lots of things, even carbonated water.  I am avoiding plastics now, but aluminum will do.  Burger, and the yogurt I liked.

But, but, but...

.

.

But I did set the alarm!  Well, I... turned it to the time.  I didn't, however, turn them on?  Freudian slip?  I don't think so.  Just... pushing through days, and nights, illness, and else, things slip.

And, so it was with great surprise, when I woke at... 17:01.  One minute after the first alarm was supposed to sound.  Awake.  Well awake.  I wasn't sure that alarm would work, in that I pushed days and nights.  So I had the 18:00 alarm also set.  But, also, not turned on.  However, it turns out that I woke, at the earlier time, and pretty well.

Finally.

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I found another pot, for cooking burger.  But?  But the burger was already bad.  So no dinner.  Strangely?  Or not?  It... didn't bother me at all.  I'll just put some burger out, when I can clear the freezertop, and let it thaw.  I have ground turkey I will be using with it.  Just to use it up.  It's... all meat.

Still, I got the other pans mostly clean.  And set out.  Then took a shower  Oh... it's... been a while.  Delicious!  Trimmed my whiskers first.  Not a full shave, but as good as the clippers can do.  And, after, brushed my teeth again, doing the whole process.  Still rough.  It's been days, weeks, a month?  It's been a while since I have been able to take any care.

Raining?

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If it's a light sleet/hail?  But I don't think so.  Sounds... wet.  Too wet to be those other types of options.  Or... things are thawing.  Okay.  But I like the sound.

Gaming.  Figuring some things out.  Moving ahead.  It's a lot of work solo.  Couldn't find the "cheat mode".  Did a lot of work without it.  Just found it.  And good thing.  The dino doors I had on my keep, while absolutely massive, were too small for my t-rex.  Oh, no, I got that one fair and square.  It's mother attacked, I killer her, the baby was left.  So I... nurtured it to grand effect.  An... interesting game.

Up.

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.

I was expecting a bit of a rough start.  I went in and down so hard, being up so very late.  My body was a knot of ache and soreness.  It was wonderful, but terribly so.

I'm waking just a bit tight, but really, pretty good.  I'll get medicine in, first thing.  Blood sugar is 114 fasting?  Meh.  I'm making burger soup later.  It's been two, or three, days since I ate.  I'm not starving.  I've got enough fat to feed a small army, even a small army of me's... for a while.

Wow.

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It's 15:17.  Didn't... really make it.  I have been in and out of sleep for... a while.  Made it to 13:30.  Since then it has been waffling in and out.  But, no more.

Things hurt.  But so numb from exhaustion I can't tell how badly.  Should sleep well.  Fed Sassy a final meal.  Had bone broth, heated, spiced, with cream... if... quite a bit ago?  Anyway... it's all I could do, but what I needed.

Trying to push back into days.  But this was a bit too much, too fast.  I don't think it will help.  Might cause a spinout.  We'll see.  Ribs.  Right.  Why do those hurt?  Ah, trying to sit up while my body is trying to curl to sleep.  The... it causes a kink.  Right.  Well, on to bed.  Goodnight, and good day.

So tired my heart hurts?

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.

I dug into the game.  It's... not just... that.  In the game, velocity can be reduced if too much in-game material is loaded onto the 'toon.  But that isn't all of it.  The thing is, as my 'toon slows in the game, I find myself holding my breath?  Not breathing as fast as I should?  Which, over time, strains my heart.  Weird, I know.  Working on altering that.  Difficult, though, when extremely exhausted.

Well, and I pushed through a very difficult location and kept dying.  Before setting up a new base across the map.  I'm... doing things the hard way, initially.  It's... how I like to do things, to start off.  I have made some things easier, but there are limits on those easements.  And there are much easier ways to play in the game.  But... figuring out how to do those things more safely is... a whole other gig.  Easy is great, until it absolutely fails.

Better.

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Just a few shots of pain in my leg.  But mostly not bad.  Not too tired.  Not hungry.  Not too thirsty.  Figuring out the game, improving things.  I would like to eat, I just... don't want to cook.  Someday, tomorrow?  The day after?  Next week?  I... don't need to eat, these days.  Literally, and figuratively.  Or... various forms of literally?  I don't think "figuratively" matters, counts, or is a part of this.  Now that I think about it.

Water would be nice.  Out of sparkling, but that's okay.

Bah!

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.

No, it wasn't... anything wrong, yesterday, with Sassy.  It wasn't a dream, either.  It is a new method to try to wake poppa.  So as to be fed earlier.  And... no.  No!  If she keeps it up I will feed her less.  Negative feedback is often the way to go.  Barring that, cut em' off the teet, eh mother?  Don't want to find out?  Don't fuck around.  I don't care who you are, or think you are.  Your... rights, regarding me, are limited to me.  Not some social, economic, familial, churchian, or other real or false constructs, organizations, or thought cycles.  And, when I say NO!  Be assured, right or wrong, you have just pretty much might as well have heard from the lips of God Himself.

NO!  And, should we need to tangle about it?  Okay.  For being mostly dead I am pretty brutal to deal with.  We'll start hard, and then go on to severe, with a side of dirty tricks, and such.  Not... that I need to play dirty to win.  I just like to play dirty to make a few points, and cause extra damage just for fun.  Don't... want to find out?  Then don't f around.

Still awake?

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Well, in a way.  It's bedtime.  I had been bedtime for hours... half a day honestly.  I haven't fallen asleep in my chair, but might as well have?  No clue as to what has been happening.  I was struggling to think about what to do next and... next just happened without me.  I just happen to still be here.

I did decide, sometime in there, that I am definitely hungry.  For... something.  And, as suggested, I realized I couldn't cook.  Probably couldn't have eaten even if I had cooked.  Odd how that can go.  I just couldn't have been bothered to eat, even if food was served, and I am hungry?  Right.  Never mind, that is just the way it goes.

Have you ever been unsure?

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Not... really... about anything in particular.  Everybody is unsure, from time to time.  Some of us are always unsure.  I'll... still do.  Uncertainty is a game I enjoy.  I will choose, and take my chances.  Everybody wants to play to win.  But, first, you... won't win.  Second, no amount of second thinking will allow you to win, or win more often, or any such.  It's... not how it works.  

Play, win, lose, enjoy.  If you don't enjoy the trip to your death, and understand you will lose often and miserably?  Oh, I don't mean just put no thought into life, or action.  Only, don't... play as if... you could win, think you must win, or such?  What are the risks?  What are the rewards?  Should you be playing?  If I must play, and the rewards aren't worth the risk?  Well, then, I... just take my chances.  I... lose, often enough.  But have won more, and do so more through facing up, and going on through, than making a scene or such.

Asleep, in the chair, again.

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I tried to bulldoze through.  The bull got lost in the process.  Not... sure what time it was.  But, pretty much, was falling asleep as I was writing the last post.  Slept for an hour, maybe two?  Then... before I fell out of my chair, I nearly crawled up to bed.  Oh, but sleep is so much better in bed... or my floor matts really.  But, for me, now, that is bed.  Thanks, A.  For the... reminder, and thought.  The humility of sleeping on the floor, leaving what others think to themselves, and living a bit better for it, somehow.  A price, but it buys a powerful freedom.  I think of you, nicely, when I crawl in some nights.  Hoping you are still a floor sleeper, alive, as well as possible.  You are still loved.

I awoke to some sort of distress.  Ever done that?  But not knowing what... the cause of the problem is?  I... first... went over my body.  Looking for pain?  Injury?  Checking for illness?  But... it wasn't me?  No, it was... some terrible meowling.  Sassy?  I rarely hear that from her.

Still awake.

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Five minutes until noon thirty?  Yep.  Tried to stay up to make a call.  No call, can't.  Voice won't work.  But, perhaps, some day this week yet.  If I can keep pushing until later.  It... won't be made, later, the call.  But, if I push how late I am awake, there is a chance that at an earlier time, I might be able to call.  Hell of a rigged life I lead, but it's what I've got.  And... it works, after a fashion.

My left eyeball is bugging me.  Not sure... if I am rubbing it because it is scratched, or if I scratched it while rubbing it.  But... I finally gave it a good rinse, then decided not to touch it or else.  As that simply was not helping.  I'm not seeing anything in it.  Though an eyelash could be stuck in there?  Hard to know.  But... no... no more rubbing or else.  I'll just have to suffer it.

A few things in life.

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.

Simple things.  Mostly.

The first?  Glasses.  I had always thought my solid plastic "Clark Kent" glasses would be lighter and more comfortable.  In this latest shakeup, requiring larger glasses so as to use the progressive lenses, I decided to test that.

Sleep.

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.

So much sleep!  I can't escape it.  Even so, for the first time in... I can't even remember?  I fell asleep on my chair down here.  Always afraid I will end up falling.  And, sort of do, which wakes me.  To pure horror.  But I, so far, have caught myself the few times this has happened this decade.  Blah!

It was around 11:00 to noon thirty, when I woke and went on to bed.  Not absolutely sure.  When I fell asleep?  Nine, seven?  Earlier by a good deal.  I tried to stay awake to bring the package in.  Didn't make it.  It was here when I woke though.  So, it's in charging.  And, I washed the grip cover for it.

Oh, right.

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I did get more soup warmed and in.  I forgot to add hot spices, but that is fine.  Wanted, not wanted, I am... often happy with what I get, when I get it.  If more or a change is wanted, sometimes it is had.  Sometimes I live with it as it is.  This time, as is was good enough.  I'm telling you, that simple soup is quite good.  The veggies?  Meh.  But... a bit different.

Then I cheated.  Had some applesauce.  No sweetener added.  But, to me, since I don't have sweets?  That was... like sugar.  I'll finish that off.  Then veggie soup.  Then back to carnivore.  I don't mind tossing something different in from time to time.  Think of our ancestors.  Whether the meat got grasses on it, while being killed then processed?  Or just tossing things in, in curiosity, or for variation?  Sometimes vegetable stuffs got in the food.  Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not.

I have to admit?

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.

Veggies, in with the rest, is not a bad thing once in a while.  Green beans, carrots, and those water cresses... or whatever.  I also added hot spice.  I... really like it hot, from time to time.  You would get ill.  For me, it's... just... nice.  It really isn't that I run it "too hot", or like it "too hot".  I simply can handle a whole lot of heat.  It isn't too much.  It's, for me, just... mildly spicy.

If you could slug Everclear, you'd understand.  Cause I can.  Only, I think hotter spices are healthier.  I haven't had Everclear in a very long time.  The only problem with that stuff wasn't capacity.  It was memory.  It was the only alcohol I drank that I would forget what happened.  I... didn't like that.  Dangerous.

Okay?

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.

A bit better.  Definitely.  Yes.

That is nowhere nearly functional.  It just means I don't hurt everywhere, all the time.  It means I don't have fever, chills.  It means I am not so nausea inflicted that even thinking of food is disturbing.  It simply means I feel normal.  If I don't do anything?  If I don't think about it?  I'm not sure.  But, for a moment, the first in many, I... don't feel so dreadful that I think I am dying.

Meh.  It will do.